Anticipation

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post. Not much has been going on. I feel like I've been less affected by pregnancies around me for the most part which is good. As I think about the fact that we'd like to be doing another cycle in as little as two months from now and how I feel like that cycle will go I have a whole mix of feelings.

I feel anxious about whether we'll be able to get the copay together in a month. That's right, a month. They told us to call about a month before we want to cycle, and if we want to cycle in November, that means we need to see Dr. M in October. That's a little scary simply because I haven't talked to that man since I got clarification of "genetically abnormal" after our last messed up cycle. I have alot of questions for him, and to be honest, I am not sure I want the answers to some of those questions. I am anxious because the fertility clinic mine merged with has a higher rate of multiples. I know we will be able to handle it because others have, but I also know what that means as far as increased risk for me and the babies.

I feel like if we can get the copay together in a month, and can get through the tough initial meeting with our doctor, that this could actually work. Dr. M has already said that he couldn't repeat our last protocol given how bad the cycle went, that we would likely go back to our first protocol which resulted in the little boy we love more than anything. I actually believe this next cycle could work. That scares me because I haven't even started the cycle and already I'm emotionally invested and I tried so hard to avoid getting my emotions going during our last cycle. I actually did a decent job of staying relatively unattached to any hopes last time until our fertilization report. It was all downhill from there. I guess perhaps feeling optimistic already is better than feeling bad about the cycle. I do believe to an extent in psyching yourself up.

My last feeling is generally one of excitement. That in about a year we could have another baby or two is so exciting. A little scary about the thought of having double the temper tantrums, double the whininess (or triple as the case may be with 3 kids), the financial impacts, etc, but with double or triple the trying times a parent experiences also means double or triple the most awesome moments in life. It's funny, Jack will be so whiny some days and I think, "are we really thinking we want more of this?!?!?" And then in the next moment my heart melts at something he says or does, and I cannot wait to have soooo much more of that. It makes all the hard times infinitely worth it.

How in the world infertiles don't end up psychiatric inpatients with all of this stress and all of these feelings is beyond me. Somehow we seem deal with all of it, not always in the most constructive ways, and for sure we've all got battle scars somewhere whether they be physical or emotion, but somehow we all find a way to cope. That in itself is amazing.