A Clearer Picture

Ha! You thought I had posted more pictures of those cute foster pups didn't you? Nope, not this time. I'm posting to let you know that I spoke with my nurse and I have a clearer picture of what this cycle is going to look like for us. This is exciting for someone like me who needs that darn "plan".

My last pill is tomorrow (I'm posting this at 2 in the morning, so Sunday). I will wait for my lovely period to show up, and that of course will be day 1. On day 2, I'm to go in and have an ultrasound and bloodwork for my baseline. Provided everything is looking as it should, Archie will get to take out his frustrations with me in the form of an IM shot. Lucky me (I'll be watching it from here on out, LOL). So, estrogen shots will hopefully start that night and he'll give them to me every 3 days x 5 doses-so about a 15 day span which will put us around the 26th being the last shot. I will go in around the 28th/29th for another ultrasound and bloodwork, check my uterine lining, blah blah blah, and if everything looks good at that point, Archie will start giving me daily progesterone shots in prep for the embryo transfer the following Friday, May 6th.

I am praying this works. I've prayed that I don't have to face "being done". That said, I feel more optimistic at this point that we wil be ok, regardless of what happens. It's funny, the last cycle I went into it being terrified of getting pregnant with twins (I know what life is like with one baby, I can only imagine two!), working out childcare, work, etc., and part way through it, I swear only by the grace of God, I just felt at peace with it. We would get through it, God wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle, and He doesn't set us up for failure. I had a plan (sort of) in place for work and childcare in the event that He blessed us with two more children. I felt comfortable with whatever He gave us, or didn't give us as the case would be. Was it still a shock to me when it didn't work? Absolutely because the cycle had gone so darn well. But you'll also notice that while I was upset for a good week or so, it dissipated, which I also believe was God's doing, just providing me that peace. So yes, I'm praying so hard that this works. But if it doesn't, we may have another cycle, and if that doesn't pan out, God will lead us another way, whether it be adoption, or whether we close this chapter of our lives. And it WILL be ok. We will be ok.

God's Will

That is the only thing I can come to when I think about this cycle. Seriously, how else could a cycle go so well, with such beautiful embryos, and it still not result in a pregnancy? God has something else planned for us. I saw this beautiful quote last night, and I can't remember where, but it said something to the effect that God answers prayers in 3 ways- "Yes" and gives you what you want, "No" and gives you something better, or "Wait" and He gives you the best. That was profound to me, I know it sounds lame, but seriously. It's true. I don't know at this point whether He is saying "no" or "wait". We had to wait with Jack, and he is the best gift Archie and I have ever received. And believe me, we can't even begin to tell you how often we will look at each other and say Thank God for Jack. For all we know He is telling us "no", and our gift is that we get to do more with Jack and for Jack, the gift He has already shared with us. When I look at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.

AF arrived today just before work. Yay. I called and left my nurse a message to find out what our next step is as far as they are concerned. I will be calling our financial coordinator first thing tomorrow morning to try and make sure financially we are a go for this cycle, and we're praying that we'll have enough to get out another cycle this year. We shall see!

Postponed...Again (edited)

I have no idea why. I also have no idea why the nurse would call my home phone, say she was going to call my cell and yet 20 minutes later I still haven't heard from her. I called her back like she asked me to, and it goes to voicemail. I have no idea why it's postponed or what's going on with these potential babies. She better call me back soon because my heart can't take this torment!!!

***edited to add***
I did finally talk to her. I have to say I'm a little disappointed that it didn't happen today. It's just hard to maintain the excitement when everyday they're calling you and you're not sure if they're calling to say that the embryos are doing well and transfer will be the next day now, or if they're calling to say the embryos fizzled out and your cycle is cancelled. It has been a hell of a roller coaster, and many are riding it with me, but I think my mom may be riding it the most with me. She calls me in anticipation, gets as upset/excited as I do and questions as much as I do.

She called me this morning on my way home wanting to know if I'd heard anything, and of course I hadn't because little did I know, the nurse had called my home phone and left a message there, but when my phone rang my heart jumped into my throat yet again, and I was half upset to see it was my mom calling (just because the darn phone rang and that couldn't be a good thing the morning you want to transfer), but half ecstatic that it wasn't the lab! It's just rough.

And I wasn't feeling this nurse. It's not my regular one, she's off today, and this nurse didn't give me numbers and to be honest, I just wanted to know what time I had to be there tomorrow and get off the phone with this bearer of bad news (in the fact that I was being postponed yet AGAIN). All I know at this point is that we have "a few" at the early blast stage, "quite a few at the morula stage", and one 9 cell. No word on quality (I think the blast ones might be hard to judge at this stage), or exact numbers. My transfer is tomorrow morning at 11:15, and this is the final time. I asked the nurse are they sure none will cease before tomorrow or stop growing, and she said that's never a guarantee, but that I definitely have enough that some will be transferred tomorrow. They better hope they're right!

My mom was upset with me for not knowing why they couldn't tell which ones would be best today if we already had some in early blast stage. My mind was reeling and I couldn't explain it, but here is why I think that. In my boredom last night, I found this site that talks about it. If you scroll down to where they talk about the grading system, beneath that they show you and you can see that they can't grade the early blastocysts. I know that it's important to put back the best ones and that this is why they need another day to be able to let them declare themselves, it's just hard to accept that I have to wait yet another day, and hope and pray that they'll be ok until transfer tomorrow.

And now we're back to putting my trust in the lab that does this all the time, and putting my trust in God that He will protect my itty bitty babies growing in a lab until tomorrow. I have to trust that He wants the best for us as well, and what he wants for us is what will be. Please pray for us tonight that our embryos continue to develop. Please pray for us tomorrow that transfer goes well. I likely will not update until after my transfer tomorrow as I AM NOT expecting a call in the morning unless something goes wrong. Therefore, I won't be able to tell you how they are doing, what they look like or anything until after my transfer. And I may be a bit delayed in that, because I will likely get little pictures of my embryos before they go back, and as I did when we did our first cycle, I scanned them at Kinkos and when we got pregnant I emailed them out that one of those embryos was our baby. This time I will post tomorrow that hopefully one of those embryos will become a healthy baby for us, sibling for Jack, neice/nephew for Aunt Holly, and grandchild for Grandmom, Mamala, and Papalo.

Wide Awake

Ok, so I'm awake because I'm working, but that's just a minor detail. I'm relatively sure that if I was laying in bed at home right now, that I'd be awake or at least tossing and turning with anticipation. I figure I'll get a call around 8am today to tell me they're pushing be back to tomorrow for transfer, mainly because it would be convenient for me for them to do the transfer today, and obviously, my life doesn't work that way (nothing ever just goes smoothly, LOL).

So I'm trying some breathing excercises to calm myself, you know, in case it actually does happen today. I'm trying to psych myself up (without caffeine) for staying awake after I get off work today to get Jack home to my friends (grandmom/daughter-in-law type deal-one is watching Jack who has had a fever since Saturday, and the other is watching the first friend's children while I'm getting my transfer), Archie getting home on time so we can head up for my transfer, and then of course staying awake until I get home and can crash in the bed or sofa for the rest of the day.

I was reading this on my clinic's website, and I cannot believe that either if our embryos are transferred back today, they could start implanting as early as tomorrow! That is insane! Even more insane is the fact that if they waited until tomorrow to transfer back, we could be having a baby(ies) implant tomorrow or the next few days!

I'm truly excited. If I step back and look at the situation, it makes me nervous to be excited because it's not a given, but I've had such an outpouring of support, wonderful friends and family keeping me pumped up and pushing through the tough times, and a stronger faith in God than I have ever had before, and I feel more relaxed this cycle than I have any other previous one and I'm just amazed. I don't know if it's the new clinic, the stronger faith in the Lord, a combination or what, but this is the BEST cycle we've ever had. We are so blessed and lucky for this. I never expected it. Dr. M told us two years ago with our last cycle that he was amazed at how much my egg quality had declined in just 3 years (from our first cycle). I wasn't even 30 yet. That was pretty hard to hear. So you can imagine my shock when this cycle has not only gone well, but we've got more embryos, better quality embryos, and we still have some at this point. This is the furthest we've ever made it. I am so grateful.