The Last 2 Days

I got quite a scare last night. After going to the bathroom I had really bad (doubled over) pain in my left lower part of my abdomen that radiated to my lower right abdomen and up the left side of my back. It lasted about 20 minutes, and if it hadn't stopped, I would have been convinced that I had an ectopic. After that, I was extremely nauseated and just wanted to throw up (I didn't!). I felt miserable. I finally was able to fall asleep, and that was surprising given the fact that I had our first ultrasound coming up today, but I'd cleaned most of my house yesterday and hadn't had a nap, so I was exhausted.

I woke up this morning and felt better until I got out of bed. Despite munching on some crackers (I was hungry and borderline nauseated), I just felt like yucky. I got up and started to put away laundry and every time I took a deep breathe or bent over, I noticed I was having a dull pain in my left back again. And I was getting more nauseated by the minute. I got to thinking this is probably my stupid cystinuria acting up again, and I probably have another kidney stone. Well, that set me into tears because kidney stones can cause preterm labor and while that's not what I'd really have at this point, it could cause me to miscarry. So I was a bit of a mess this morning to say the least.

I called my urologist, and I am to go in tomorrow morning when I get off of work for a renal ultrasound. The problem with this is that often the ultrasounds won't pick up stones if they are smaller, the CT scans are better for that, but now that I'm pregnant, that isn't an option. Ugh. My doc ordered the ultrasound for stat results back to him which is good because I should have the ultrasound done around 7:30am, and then I'm supposed to go to his office to wait for him. He doesn't usually come in until about 9am (and that is on the rare occassion that he's on time). My only issue with this is that I'm exhausted, I'll have Jack with me (who is supposed to be at school by 8:30am), and all I will be thinking about is my bed, and how I have to get enough sleep to come back into work again at 7pm. Such is life right?!?!

Please pray that if this is a stone, it's passable. I don't want a miscarriage and I don't want a nephrostomy tube (which basically diverts the urine from your kidney to a bag on the outside of your body until the stone is removed). Please pray for this baby to hang in there and grow nice and steady so we can hopefully see it's little heartbeat fluttering away on June 6th.

God's Will

That is the only thing I can come to when I think about this cycle. Seriously, how else could a cycle go so well, with such beautiful embryos, and it still not result in a pregnancy? God has something else planned for us. I saw this beautiful quote last night, and I can't remember where, but it said something to the effect that God answers prayers in 3 ways- "Yes" and gives you what you want, "No" and gives you something better, or "Wait" and He gives you the best. That was profound to me, I know it sounds lame, but seriously. It's true. I don't know at this point whether He is saying "no" or "wait". We had to wait with Jack, and he is the best gift Archie and I have ever received. And believe me, we can't even begin to tell you how often we will look at each other and say Thank God for Jack. For all we know He is telling us "no", and our gift is that we get to do more with Jack and for Jack, the gift He has already shared with us. When I look at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.

AF arrived today just before work. Yay. I called and left my nurse a message to find out what our next step is as far as they are concerned. I will be calling our financial coordinator first thing tomorrow morning to try and make sure financially we are a go for this cycle, and we're praying that we'll have enough to get out another cycle this year. We shall see!

Final Post-Op Appt.

I had my final post-op appointment today. I got to see pictures of my endometriosis, rectum, uterus, ligaments, abdominal wall, etc. I have lots of spots of endometriosis on my abdominal wall, but none look too bad (this is to me who is pretty clueless when it comes to looking at endo) except for the one on my rectum. It is a nodule, and I have scar tissue (presumably from the last time I had the endo scraped out) all over my rectum and uterine ligaments, and it is causing my rectum to change shape due to the scar tissue making adhesions. So I questioned him as to why the hysterectomy was the recommendation instead of just scraping again, and as it turns out, the scraping would take place at the same time, but in order to keep it from being a continuing problem (with recurrences within 5 years), the hysterectomy is needed. If I decline to do this and allow it to continue to build scar tissue, I will likely face bowel problems, incontinence, and possibly urinary incontinence as well. So...let's try to get pregnant!

I did ask if I could schedule a c-section and have the hysterectomy afterwards, and he said that they only do the hysterectomy afterwards if it is emergent with uncontrolled bleeding-type situation. As it turns out, the 6 week recovery time my mom talked about is correct if you had to be opened up and have the hysterectomy, however, nowadays we are lucky enough to have the option to do this laproscopically once the uterus has shrunk back down to it's normal size post-delivery. He said it would basically be the same procedure I just had in November, 1 week recovery time, but I'd be more sore just because they were doing more inside of me than just removing a tube. They'd be removing a uterus, a tube, and an ovary, and scraping out the endo. Sounds good to me!

I really expected to get another bit of bad news today, but it didn't come thankfully. He said he'll see me when I am ready to have the hysterectomy and good luck otherwise. I placed a call today to our financial coordinator at our IVF center to make sure our prior insurance authorization for the cycle was still good (since it's been almost 4 months since our initial consult), and I'm waiting to hear back from her. Period is expected this coming Sunday, and sometime next week I will start on birth control pills if all goes as planned. I talked to my IVF nurse to make sure there was nothing on their end that I needed to take care of before Sunday and there isn't, they will be expecting a call from me on Monday. I'm excited to get started, yes I said that.

I am excited, but I am also scared. I prayed on the way into work tonight that our )His and our) plans be the same for growing our family, and that if it isn't, I pray that He help me find peace with that. I prayed that if He has a plan for us to get pregnant that it be a healthy pregnancy. Please continue to pray for us on this journey.

Looking to the New Year

I have had some time to think about this year and the new one quickly approaching. This past year had some great times, but it was also a hard year.

This year, we started out optimistic that we would get pregnant again when we did our second IVF cycle. As we all know, that didn't happen, and it was devastating at the time. We had new hope with the prospect of adoption, but trying to scrape together $20K by saving when you're already tight proved to be impossible. Fundraising wasn't easy, and while we probably would have kept trying to hold more, we really felt that saving money to have them, and then essentially gambling that money away hoping that a fundraiser would be successful was just not something we could afford to continue. That was really hard to deal with as well. My grandfather hasn't been well for a while now, and my grandmother on the other side of my family landed herself in a nursing home after a stroke. None of these have been easy things to deal with.

We have been lucky enough to be able to really enjoy our son this year. He makes everyday one that I look forward to, if for nothing more than his hugs and kisses, and to see what new phrase he'll have that day. Usually we have lots of laughs with him (unfortunately today was one of those days with a 3 year old where it was lots of frustration instead!!!). We've been able to go to his preschool parties for the different celebrations, go on field trips, see his class sing at church, and watch them put on their Christmas program. All of these things were very special moments for us, and we made a lot of great memories.

My cousin who lost her son last year, is pregnant with his little sister this year, and is due next year! Both she and the baby seem to be in great health, and we're so excited to meet the new little one. We also had a few friends who had new babies this year, and a friend who has had a hard time with losses is pregnant again, and thankfully everything seems to be going as it should at this point. We're hopeful that Eliana arrives in March healthy as can be, and that our friend who is pregnant again brings home a healthy child next year as well.

We are going on a cruise with my mom and sister in mid-January, and that may very well be our vacation of the year. Usually we go to the Outer Banks, NC in the summer, but with needing house repairs, and then money for either another IVF treatment or to put towards adoption, it is more likely that we will go camping in the summer or fall instead, unless some of our friends and their kids want to go in on a rental at the beach with us. Anyway, Jack is very excited about the "big cruise ship!!!" that we'll be going on, and we are all looking forward to making fun memories with him in the carribbean. After that none of us know what will happen.

I am a planner and I always feel like I need to have a plan. At the moment, the plan is to wait and see what our taxes look like, get our roof repaired, perhaps set some money aside for any other emergencies that may creep up (all of our appliances like our heat pump are as old as the house and we're on borrowed time!), and then see where that takes us. I will be doing my urine test for my urologist so we can discuss whether it would be safe for me to go off of my medication and try IVF again, and if so, I'll be making an appointment to see Dr. M. If not, we'll just keep living life as best we can, taking things as they come along.

My prayer for the new year is for my family and friends to be healthy, happy and loved. I could say that I pray for another child, but so does everyone else with IF. Sure, I want another child, but I also want to do what's best for my family as it is now. I want to not take my family for granted, and to make many fun memories for our son. I also pray for more of my sweet boy to show through than the devilish one that has taken over his little body for the last week or so!!! Ha, in all seriousness, I pray we figure out how to better manage the normal 3 year old moodiness.

God bless, and I wish you all a happy and safe new year!!!

Unusual Request from Us

So any of you who know us know that we're not super religious. We believe in God, we pray, and we're in search of the perfect church for us. Here's the thing. Fundraising when you're not a non-profit is really hard. It's hard to get donations, sponsors and the like. You rely on others who do this on a regular basis for guidance and advice. Well, it seems like we hit obstacle after obstacle despite which type of fundraiser we plan.

We've spent close to $1600 already in Longaberger baskets and Vera Bradley items for our bingo coming up. We spent $900 to rent the hall and bingo equipment and for one of their people to call bingo for us that day (they require it if we rent their equipment). We were told that a bingo supplier very close to us always donates most of the stuff for fundraisers, so to contact them, which I did in person yesterday. They called today to tell me what they decided and what they decided was to give us a 10% discount which left the cost of the bingo supplies at $776. Ouch. I was sleeping after work when I got the call, and I just felt defeated. You question whether your cause is as worthy as others. I don't have a family member who needs surgery, thank God. We just want to bring home another child and are willing to do the work for the fundraisers, but we're only asking for some help getting there. We're putting so much money, time and energy into making this a successful event, it's just frustrating. It's hard. It's hard to go out and ask businesses during a recession if they could donate anything, even closeout items, gift cards, or services to help.

Last week we sent out letters to about 100 businesses. We're waiting to hear back from even one of them. I am prepping some more letters to go out later this week. This Thursday we will be going out to personally ask some businesses to help us. It just doesn't make you feel very good to question if your need for assistance is seen as worth it to others when it is so important to you and your family. I guess I'm just feeling discouraged, mainly about the bingo supplier, especially when they supposedly generally give others everything that they need to do their bingos.

Anyway, our request is just prayer. We know that God can provide for us and we trust that He will and that this whole fundraiser will work out. There was another blog that I discovered yesterday where He did just that. You can see their pickle jar post here. The entire $20K cost of their international adoption has been provided for. How awesome! And it's funny because she talks about how they want to "pay it forward" and help others struggling through the same thing, which is what I mentioned to Archie. I crazily enough really like this fundraising stuff, except for the fact that it's so hard to ask for donations when you aren't a charity or non-profit organization and so we can't provide documentation for people's tax purposes. I said to Archie that after our adoption, I'd love to set up a non-profit for the purpose of helping other families with their fundraising. That is exactly what this family is going to do for others, and I think it's great. We've already told them we'd help however we could to support their endeavor because I was already thinking about doing something like that myself in the future. Pay it forward.

We're not expecting for our adoption to be paid for, believe me. We just hope that some will help us in our endeavor, and find it a valuable enough cause to support. Please just pray that we get some businesses or individuals to help offset some of our costs by sponsoring the baskets and bags. Please pray for patience and strength during this process for us. And please pray for us to continue to put our faith in God's plan for us, whatever that may be.