Follow-Up

First, I want to tell you that I spoke with my insurance company (I'm persistent aren't I?) and this lady today told me that everything has been paid or is in payment pending status which she verified with her supervisor meant that it was already counted toward our cap. I'm not sure I really believe this with the payment pending status ones because the amount she said we have used toward our cap is the same as it was this past Friday, and yet, this past Friday those things hadn't even been processed yet, bills had just been received. So, I'm thinking they will need to add that ~$3000 to our total so far, BUT, we will still have enough for this FET!!!!

I asked Dr. M today how our embryos were frozen. I knew they were vitrified, but I didn't realize until I was looking at some forums the other night that sometimes multiple ones are frozen together in "straws" and that means that sometimes you can "waste" embryos because the straw is thawed and you can't just take a few out of them. Luckily for me, mine were thawed one per straw, so there will be no wasting of these snowbabies.

I hadn't even considered it until one of my coworker's/friends asked me last night how they would know that the embryos were viable if they were freezing them the same day of transfer and they therefore wouldn't be able to show a progress in development. I thought about that and told her that was a really good question. So I asked Dr. M about it today and he said that they contract when frozen, and when they thaw and survive, they go back to their normal shape pre-freezing. If they don't survive the thaw, they stay all contracted up.

One thing that made me feel more optimistic about the embryos we have frozen was our discussion about how things used to be frozen (eggs, embryos, etc) and how they are now with our clinic (vitrification). Basically with vitrification it is a fast freeze, they put them in this liquid and freeze them with liquid nitrogen and store them. With the other way it took longer to freeze and they had less surviving thaw. Dr. M also told us that they are going to stop doing fresh egg donations because the success isn't nearly as good as it is with ones they have frozen and then try to fertilize. This makes me think maybe these guys will do ok. I also have a friend who has ONLY gotten pregnant on her FET cycles, she never got pregnant on her fresh cycles. Lord, I hope this works.

I am starting BCP's tonight. I asked about our protocol because I ovulated on BOTH BCP's and lupron before our last cycle and I wasn't sure if that happened if it would be a problem. He said we would just keep going. He came back to me a few minutes later and told me that he wasn't going to put me on lupron at all, so I'll just be on BCP's for about 3 weeks, then I'll have bloodwork done to make sure I didn't ovulate on it, and if everything looks ok, I'll start on estrogen shots IM every 3 days that Archie will give me. They will look at my uterine lining and make sure it is where it should be (Dr. M doesn't anticipate any issues here as I've never had issues with it before). Then my transfer date will likely be on a Friday (I'm thinking based on what they told me probably 4/22), they'll put back two if two survive the thaw, and then we'll have our pregnancy test (I forgot to ask how long after the transfer). It does sound like alot less monitoring and appointments which will be nice.

Hopefully if I can get in with a therapist and increase my acupuncture appointments to twice a week, my stress levels won't be too bad and we can get this done. I asked Dr. M if the recommendations for bedrest are the same for FET as they are for IVF and they are. HOWEVER, I am going to be off at least that night of transfer and the following night, and I am going to lay with a pillow under my butt, and I better be healthy with no low grade fevers or coughs this time! I will not drink caffeinated tea, I will not use my heating pad (except in an emergency on LOW heat). One of my former patients/friends said that for her last IVF cycle (successful) the only things she changed are that she drank whole milk and green tea. I HATE green tea, but I will choke it down (the decaf version) if it means I may get pregnant. I don't mind whole milk at all, I can add chocolate syrup and be fine. I also plan on eating pineapple starting the few days before our transfer and until our test. I'm not sure that that will really help, but I've heard people swear by it, and so I'm going to do it. One of the girls on one of the forums I follow also posted an article about IVF and Vitamin D, and while I know that my level was low, I also know that I wasn't considered deficient in December. Archie was and so we have Vit. D in the house now, and I will begin taking that as well, just in case.

I know it may sound crazy that I'm saying this, but I'm excited to start this next cycle. I've been so down the last few days, just really teary, and today has been a good day. I even wore my big girl panties and didn't cry with Dr. M today (although Archie said I almost did, but I pulled up the panties and kept it together). I will say that I am scared as well, go figure. I will not count on any of the "symptoms" I had this time as signs of pregnancy because they were obviously signs of the fertility drugs working, and my stress levels. I hate to be that way and feel like I won't let the symptoms make me hopeful during the two week wait, but they gave me hope this last time for no reason. I will hope that it happens, and I will pray that it results in a pregnancy, but I won't let my symptoms convince me that I am.

Processing Bad News

I guess now that the initial shock has passed, I find myself just irritated. How could we put back supposedly good looking embryos that were already hatched and NOTHING happen? I was supposed to trust the lab to make the call on when to transfer them back, and what I wanted didn't matter, and NOTHING happened. I tried to look on my clinic's website to see if they post their IVF results by day of transfer and they don't. That said, I can't imagine that they would continue to do day 6 transfers if they didn't have a decent success rate.

Archie said he wishes he had stopped me from drinking the iced tea I had the night of our anniversary. ICED TEA!! I didn't even realize I had iced tea until I sat straight up in bed that night thinking, "Holy CRAP, I cannot believe I did that!" I told Archie that if I can have a baby at work whose mother did PCP, heroin and cocaine and can still get pregnant, two glasses of caffeine was not the deal breaker.

I just got off the phone with my doc. He said the only way our cycle could have been more perfect was if we had gotten pregnant. He said that it was a great cycle, and if we did another fresh one, he wouldn't change anything. He said we couldn't have elected to do a day 5 transfer because the embryos weren't ready. I asked about our frozen blasts, what they looked like and their quality. We froze 2 hatching blasts, and 2 expanding blasts which are evidently further along than early blasts but not at the hatching stage. 1 of our embryos was good quality, the other 3 were fair. This doesn't worry me much as our first cycle was all fair embryos and we got pregnant with Jack.

I asked Dr. M what to expect for a FET since we've never done anything but fresh cycles, and he said that they do injectable estrogen which is IM, but it's only given every 3 days. They sometimes do lupron, sometimes do BCP's, and they do injectable progesterone IM but that won't start until a few days before the transfer. I asked about thawing the embryos, how far in advance they do it and they thaw them the day of the transfer. I told him we'd want to put two back, and he said that they would start by thawing two, and if both survived thawing then we'd still have two frozen but if they didn't both survive they would continue thawing until we had two embryos to transfer or until we ran out. So it's not a guarantee that anything would even be transferred back. I'm just glad we decided to freeze some since this cycle didn't work out, at least I don't have to deal with the fact that "we're done".

My mom is upset. She asked if I was really going to put myself through this again emotionally. Yup, I am. I can't believe that I've dealt with this blow as well as I have, but I think it's because we're not "done". We still have a chance. If insurance won't cover it, we'll wait until we get our taxes back next year instead of taking Jack to Disney. If it will cover it, than we'll do it, and use our taxes to take Jack to Disney next year.

Archie is just as disappointed and confused as I am. And of course, Jack went to all these appointments with me and knew that the bloodwork today was to see if there were any babies growing in my tummy. So when we picked him up from school, and I was upset, he wanted to know why. I was on the phone with my mom and she was upset that I told him how I did, but he needs to know. He knew that we had put babies back in there, the logical question is what happened to them? So he asked and I told him that I was upset because there weren't any babies in my tummy and that meant that we had more time for us to have him all to himself. He was fine with that and gave me hugs and kisses. Then a little later he asked me where the babies went. I explained that they went to heaven because God was ready for them. He asked how they got there, and I told him that it was like God gave them a big hug and just wrapped them up in His arms. He asked me if it was like a sliding star that slid up to heaven from earth, and I said sure. However he can understand it and process it is fine with me. So, Archie told me that when they went over to Jack's best friend's house, A's mom asked how I was doing. Jack said, "My mommy's babies died and they went to heaven." like it was no big deal, and I'm glad that for him it's not. I guess we handled it the right way or he'd be more upset, right? I don't know. There certainly isn't a parenting book that tells you how to deal with this.

Day 2 Post Retrieval

My nurse called me at 7:50 this AM to let me know that we still have 12 embryos. All are between 2 and 5 cells which is normal for this point in development. My transfer is scheduled for 9:30AM tomorrow, and I have to be there with a partially full bladder and more to drink by 8:30. If they decide to cancel my transfer for tomorrow and postpone it to Tuesday, I should know by 7:30. To be honest, I'm really hoping for a transfer tomorrow. I think I'd just feel better knowing that they are where they belong to grow best.

I'm taking Estrace twice a day, and endometrin suppositories 3x/day. They aren't as bad as I thought they'd be.

I'm tired, not sure if that is because of the night I had, or if it's the progesterone starting to kick in, or a combo of both. Our greyhound had his first seizure (that we're aware of) at 3:30 this morning. It scared me half to death, he flew out of our bed, stumbled around before smacking into our closet door with his head, then laid down and was staring into space. It only lasted all of a few minutes, but I felt helpless to just sit there, pet him, and talk calmly to him. I called our greyhound guru in our group and she said that the e-vet wouldn't do anything for him anyway besides run bloodwork at this point, and unless they're having more than one seizure a month, they don't usually treat it. She said it's ok to wait until Monday to call the vet and get a regular appointment with them.

Then at 4:30, Jack called me into his room and said, "I wanted to tell you I love you and I miss you, but my nose is stuffed up and I keep blowing it." So I had him give it another good blow, have some water, and went to bend down and kiss him and he was burning up. I got the thermometer to check him out, and his temp was 104.5. And, of course, I threw out the tylenol a couple of months ago because it was expired and forgot to pick more up. Luckily, Archie was home so I went to Walgreens to pick some up. He complained that his arm and his legs hurt, and his tummy felt "crunchy" and when I asked what that meant he said, "It means it's going to explode." Great. His temp when I called the pediatrician at 2:45pm was 103.9, two hours after his last dose of tylenol. We're now rotating tylenol with motrin and his temp is down to 100.9. We'll take it. She said they are seeing alot of influenza (yes, he got the flu shot) this year and it sounds like what he has. If he still has a fever he'll be seen on Monday AM.

I had an acupuncture appointment at 8am today for my pre-transfer, and I'll see her either tomorrow (on her normal day off-she's awesome!) right after my transfer, or on Tuesday right after.

I don't pray for a baby with Jack after our last cycle (I ask Him to protect us, and continue to provide for us in ways that only He can), but last night as we said our prayers together, he said he wanted to ask God for something and I told him he could. He asked God for a baby, either a brother or a sister and told God he would take either one. I just thought that was sweet. He's obviously been with me to the doctor's alot throughout this because it's appointments every other day, usually right as we're leaving from my work. The other day as I dropped him off at school and told him to have a great day, his response was, "Have a great day at the doctor's!" I think he was just happy not to have to go that day, who could blame him?

I continue to have alot of support all the way around, and I can't tell you how much it means to me. Thank you for the continued prayers and support. If you wouldn't mind adding to your prayers that I don't get the flu from little man while we're in this TWW, that would be great.

Day 12 IVF and Gratitude

I triggered last night with my HCG shot, and my ER will be at 9am tomorrow. I have to be there at 8am, and Archie has to drop off his sample at 7:30am, which means my girlfriend, B, gets the pleasure of having Jack at 7am (God love that woman because there aren't many friends I think I could ask for a favor like that!).

I have to say that through all of this, my mom, Archie, and some awesome friends and blogger friends have been so supportive. K was willing to go to Parent's Day with Jack as a fill in for us if need be, and this meant so much to me that Jack wouldn't be alone, and yet K would be leaving her boxer puppy with bad seperation anxiety at home alone to help us out. B is willing to get up at the crack of dawn to take Jack tomorrow morning and to tote him around on a playdate. Br was willing to take Jack on top of her twin boys, one of which has special needs, and she is always saying she'll take him anytime-God love her. L has just been nothing but supportive, and though she felt bad that she wasn't more available (she has infant twins), she's been praying constantly for us and is always just a phone call or text away. Jen who gave me advice on what helped her during her last cycle, and has been praying for us as well has been awesome. And my mom, while she doesn't understand what half of what I'm saying with regards to our IVF means, has let me vent, cry, talk through issues, and that's been great for me. My faithful blogger followers have been nothing but supportive, and the girls from my previous IVF/IF groups that I've stayed in touch with have been my cheerleader squad. You guys rock, and regardless of how this cycle turns out, I want you to know I feel so blessed to have you all in my life.

So here is the plan. We should be home around lunchtime (I think), and if I'm not too groggy or tired, I'll post to let you guys know how many eggs we had. I won't have a fertilization report until Friday. Embryo Transfer (ET) could take place on Sunday (day 3), or Tuesday (day 5). I'm thinking we will transfer on Sunday simply because we've never had great quality embryos. Jack was the result of a day 3 transfer with 2 so-so embryos, and last time, all of our embryos were abnormal. My hope is that we have enough to choose from this time like with our first cycle that we don't have to worry about the abnormal ones. I'm a bit nervous about the possibility of a day 5 transfer, just because our first cycle all of our leftover embryos that we were growing out to day 5 and hoping to freeze fizzled out. I'm just afraid tha the embryology lab would say that they think they can make it to day 5 and then we end up with nothing. I realize that these people make these decisions all the time, this is what they do, and I need to trust them. It's just like when people trust me to take care of their sick babies, trust me to give them accurate and correct info and not to steer them wrong. And let's be honest, God has made this cycle so much easier than the first two. The first cycle we felt like we had so much riding on it, it was our best and only chance at starting a family, it was threatened to be cancelled numerous times thanks to my hyperstimulation, and it was just so darn stressful. The second one I didn't trust to work the entire time, and when I finally let my guard down things hit the fan.

This time, and maybe the acupuncture has something to do with my stress level, but I feel like I've been more calm, and I think alot of that has to do with praying. I wasn't as faithful the last two times, and I've still got a long way to go, but I really do feel like I've been more at peace this cycle. That's not to say there haven't been stressful occurences (hello Parent Day conflict), but He has provided for us to be able to work things out beautifully, and I am so grateful.

B asked me today how I felt. I could tell her 100% honestly that I felt good. I felt excited and confident with how things are going. For someone who second guesses everything, this is huge for me. I just have a good feeling, and I hope it doesn't stop for a good, oh...10 months!

Thanks to all my peeps out there for your support. Love you guys!

Interesting Reading

Today I was looking through my packet for the new fertility clinic. One of the things they give you read in that packet is about twins. It's basically meant to educate the patient as to the risks of twins, as well as try to dissuade them from putting back more than one embryo. Those of you who have been following me for a while or know me, know that when we did our last cycle, I had a hard time wrapping my head around putting more than one embryo back.

I asked Dr. M what he thought about just putting one back. His response was that he felt that we should put two back in the hopes that we would end up with one baby. Twins were my fear then as they are now. We did not have good quality embryos, and I have a friend who also did not have good quality embryos, and it didn't matter, she still had twins! Little did we know that it would not be an issue as we wouldn't have any normal embryos develop last cycle.

I'm reading this information about twins, the fertility center's take on it, etc. Of course, fertility clinics don't want high amounts of multiples because it's not healthy for the mom or the babies, and they want their end results to be live births. Anyway, it turns out that this fertility clinic that my doctor is now a part of recommends elective single embryo transfers. They recommend transferring one embryo back for women who are younger than 37 (I am), people in their first IVF cycle or ones with a prior IVF pregnancy (me), normal uterine cavity (mostly me), and 1 or 2 Day 5 blastocysts available for transfer...I have never been able to get my embryos to day 5...they all fizzled out and ceased to develop further, hence the reason we never had any snowbabies-nothing made it to the point where we could freeze them.

It sounded good in theory. I want to ask Dr. M what he thinks about it if we were to have decent embryos this next cycle. At least I'll know where we stand and what to expect. I doubt we'll have decent embryos since we never have before, and since in his words my egg quality has greatly declined. But it could happen right?

That brings me to the next thing I'm wondering about. If we had any embryos that made it far enough, would we freeze them in case we did another cycle? Last time we said we would. But last time we also had a greater amount of money available to us through our insurance to pay for frozen embryo transfers. This next cycle is going to use up that money. All things to think about I guess, and things to ask about.

Anyone have any other ideas of questions I should ask Dr. M on Thursday? Now that it's come time to ask them, I can't think of many!