Out of the Mouths of Babes

I broke the news this morning to Jack when I got him up for school. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Jack, something sad happened last night.
Jack: What?
Me: Grandmom Ann went to heaven.

silence. I gave him a couple of minutes.

Me: Do you have any questions?
Jack: How did Grandmom Ann die?
Me: Well baby, she died in her sleep.

Then I got to thinking that I should probably clarify so he isn't afraid of going to sleep for fear of dying.

Me: You know, she was really old, and her body wasn't able to keep going. She'd been sick for a long time and her body just gave up. She went peacefully though, no struggling, and Cousin Paula was with her and holding her hand, so she wasn't alone. She was with people who loved her, and she went to heaven where she joined Great Grandpa Bob and God. She doesn't hurt anymore, and she is happy to be in heaven with them.

Silence.

Jack: I want to say something to God.

I'm thinking, uh oh. Ok, brace yourself, he could say anything.

Me: Ok baby, go ahead.
Jack: Dear God, please help Grandmom Ann to stay in love with you forever.

Dear Lord! This child isn't even 5! Needless to say, I was balling like a baby. I told him that Grandmom Ann and God had a very close relationship even when she was here. When she was healthy that she used to go to church everyday (very strict Catholic), prayed everyday, prayed the rosary at least everyday, and that she really loved God. I told her that I was sure she was so happy to be in heaven with him, and to be reunited with Great Grandpa Bob after so long. I guess he could hear that I was crying (the lights were off as we usually have snuggle time when we wake up before we actually get out of bed and get moving). **As an aside, the "in love" part is something we occassionally say at home. I would never have expected that to come out of his mouth where God is concerned. Jack will ask if I'm in love with him, and I always tell him I'm very much in love with him, and he will say he's in love with me, so it's not a lusty type thing (obviously, he's 4, and my child-hello!) when he says it about Grandmom Ann and God, it's just the overwhelming feeling of love we feel for each other. Don't want people getting the wrong impression.**

Jack: Are you crying Mommy?
Me: Yes.

He put his hands up to my face and was feeling around for the tears. Then he gave me a big hug and lots of kisses.

I am so grateful to have this child in my life. He is the best medicine for a sad heart. How could he not make you smile with his sweetness and thoughtfulness?

My dad should be calling me later today when he gets information about arrangements for my grandmother. If this morning is any indication of how my son is handling this, our trip to CT for her services should be interesting.

26 weeks and Updates

So, today marks 26 weeks for us. Everything seems to be going well. I am still nauseous sometimes, and the heartburn is still an issue, but I'm taking a half-dose (75mg instead of 150mg) of zantac about every 6 hours, and it seems to be helping for the most part. I'm still taking zofran-sometimes it's 2 times a day, sometimes not at all, just depends on the day really.

The newest development started about two weeks ago-braxton hicks (some of which are painful), and heart palpitations. I had both of these issues with Jack as well, the braxton hicks started at 19 weeks with him, and the palpitations at about 20 weeks, so this is occuring later this pregnancy. When I was checked out for the palpitations with Jack, I had to wear a halter monitor for two days, and it showed that I was having brief runs of SVT which is basically where your heart is beating really fast. It makes me feel dizzy and short of breath and lasts for a few minutes. When I check my pulse while it is happening, my heartrate is fast and irregular. It can also be caused by hyperthyroidism which I have, however, I had my labs checked and had an endocrine appointment right as this started this pregnancy, and all of my labs are normal, and my thyroid on ultrasound is "quiet". So, my primary care doc ran electrolytes, thyroid tests again, and checked my hematocrit. My sodium is slightly low (the low norm was 136, mine was 135) so not really low-and besides, I'm supposed to keep my sodium low because of the kidney stone issues. My albumin was slightly low as well, however, I'm not swelling up like crazy either, some edema in my legs at the end of a 12 hour shift, but that's pretty normal I think. My thyroid levels all came back normal. My hematocrit was the only thing a little low and it was 32.6 (normal low is 36). So no real reason as far as I can tell from my labwork. My doc also ordered an event monitor for 2 weeks. I'm not sure how this is different from a halter monitor except maybe I can push a button when I am actually experiencing the palpitations, and I can probably take it off to take a shower which was a "no-no" with the halter monitor. I have to wait for it to come in to actually be able to wear it. I did my glucose test on Friday, and I'm hoping to have the results by my next OB appointment this coming Thursday.

In other news, my grandmother has been in inpatient hospice for two weeks today. My father, my half-sister, and I have been taking turns calling daily to check and see how she is doing. She's had some days where they were shocked at how alert she was (mainly the first two days after her admission), and other days like the last two where she does nothing but sleep, and isn't really arousable for family or staff. The last two days have been bad, and she's not had anything to eat or drink. Tonight, my dad's cousin called to tell him that she was informed that it is only a matter of days that my grandmother has left. I got teary (my father sounded like a mess as one would expect), but I don't think it's really hit me yet, or I've just worked myself to a point where I'm almost ok with it. I've had such conflicting emotions, and I've cried alot over the last two weeks between her, and people seeming to just look at me wrong setting me into tears (I've been a tad hormonal I think). It's just so hard. If you call and get news that she's had a good day-you think, "Great, I'm so glad she's had a good day." But then you think, "Yeah, but if she's really declining, tomorrow might not be so good, and this is just dragging things out." It's hard to know how to feel. It's not like someone who is suddenly and unexpectedly ripped from your life, and the only thing you can think is "I can't believe this is happening. Why? Why did this have to happen?" If you call and it's a bad day, you're thinking, "God, I just hope she's comfortable and not in pain." You're wondering if her fight is almost over. You're wondering if she's going to go that night and be greated by God and her husband in heaven. It's just so damn hard. So I'm teary, but I'm not hysterical. My dad's cousin told us that one of her bad days last week, she told my grandmom that soon she'd be with "Uncle Bob" (to my dad's cousin) again soon. He passed away 18 years ago. I did lose it that night. I was afraid she'd give up and go that night, but I was also hoping maybe it made it easier for her to let go of us here, and just go. Just be at peace. Please just continue to pray for her to be comfortable and to pass peacefully and surrounded by people who love her. **Edited to add-My grandmother passed away later this evening. My dad's cousin was with her and it was peaceful. Thank you for your prayers.

So that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. I have two belly pics to share with you tonight. I had too much going on two Sundays ago to do my 24 week belly pic, and to be honest, I've just been trying to keep my head above water the last two weeks between work, trying to get this house decluttered and more organized, and worrying about a million things to even think about a picture. We kept saying we needed to take it, and finally we didn't drop the ball tonight. The first picture is Jack in his normal excited form. He has moments where he could care less about Charlie (he told me the other day it's boring waiting to feel Charlie move), and moments where he's way too excited. This was one of those moments. The second is more reflective of what the belly really looks like. Enjoy.

Everything Happens for a Reason

We decided we were going to drive up to CT to see my grandmother this past Sunday (yesterday). We as in, myself, Jack, my mom and my dad. Archie couldn't go as it was his weekend to work. I had no idea how much I would wish Archie was there, just to have him with me and comfort me. We knew she didn't have long left, and we wanted to make sure we made it up. Well, we were maybe 45 minutes into our trip, and my dad got a phone call from my stepmom. His cousin had called and said that the nursing staff had found my grandmother on the floor with a fever and were taking her to the hospital. I called his cousin and asked what had happened and which hospital they were taking her to, and told her we'd meet them there, but we didn't expect to be there for another 4 hours. She said she'd keep us updated.

When we got to the hospital, we found out she hadn't fallen. I don't know if my dad's cousin getting woken in the early hours of the morning just left her foggy or if the nursing staff didn't relay correct info, but I'm glad she hadn't fallen. She was, however, running a fever, and she had a cough. They hadn't been able to get a decent chest x-ray, and dad's cousin (she is in charge of my grandmother's care, and is also a nurse, so a good choice) declined to continue to attempt these x-rays and let be what would be. They believe my grandmother aspirated, which for those of you who aren't medically inclined, it means that at some point, she got food or liquid into her lungs instead of all of it going into her stomach. They will not be treating her with antibiotics. Her breathing sounded raspy to me, and her cough was somewhat junky.

My grandmother kept covering her eyes with her hands. We couldn't figure out if this was because she was emotional, wanted the bright lights in the hospital out of her eyes, or if she was in pain. My dad's cousin said she started doing this about two weeks ago, and she thought it was pain, but my grandmother has been more emotional lately. At one point, we saw her cover her eyes, and then she was wiping them, my father was sobbing, and I was balling. Not a pretty sight, it was just a really rough day. While we were at the hospital, the rabbi covering for Pastoral Services came to visit us. My grandmother is a devout Catholic, and received the Sacrament of the Sick back when she had her stroke 3 years ago, but he did say a beautiful prayer. Of course, I couldn't control my own emotions and again, was crying.

My grandmother was taken from the hospital straight to the inpatient hospice center. It is beautiful, and it overlooks the water, and has some really interesting rock formation in the water to look at as well. My grandmother had her eyes closed and appeared to be sleeping most of the time, and I just wished she would be able to enjoy that million dollar view if she had to be in that facility. We met up again at the hospice facility and sat with her while the nurses got her settled. I held her hand while she slept, and each time I took it away (usually to tend to Jack), she would be trying to grasp for something. I would put my hand back and she would settle. It was heartbreaking to say the least to see her like that. To have that be our goodbye and not have her know really that we were there.

But everything happens for a reason. I honestly believe that. If we had gone up last week as I had originally planned (but it was flawed because I was scheduled to work which is why we rescheduled for this past Sunday), we would have felt at a loss to be able to get back up there yesterday to see her. I'm not sure we would have been able to go up again while she was alive given everyone's schedules and tight finances (it's about $200 each time we go up between gas and tolls). Instead we were able to see her in the hospital and make sure she was ok (relatively speaking), we were able to see the new facility she would be in (her 3rd in 3 years if you don't count her stay in the hospital for the stroke), meet the staff, and finally, be able to say our goodbyes.

My dad called today for an update. They said my grandmother's cough seems to have subsided and she seems more alert. But her state of mind comes and goes, we all know that. We had all hoped and prayed yesterday that God wouldn't prolong suffering for her. If she's stopped coughing, I'm glad about that, but she lays in the bed twisted, and curled up, and moans in her sleep. It bothers me that she's more emotional-she probably realizes that either she's not long for this world, or that we're not there. If she goes in the next week or two, we probably won't make it back up for her last moments. I will only get 3 days off for services or bereavement, Archie doesn't get much as it's not his immediate family, nor does my mom. I can't go up to be with her at the end, turn around and come home for a day or two, go back up once she's cremated and they have her memorial mass. It's too much, and I won't have the time. I also have to have someone drive with me (it's a long drive, and my father doesn't drive), and if I thought I could do it without anyone when things are going ok, I know I can't when I'm an emotional wreck (being pregnant doesn't help with this). It bothers me that while she will be surrounded by her sisters, neices and nephews at the end (and don't get me wrong, I'm so glad she will be surrounded by people who love her), she won't be surrounded by the rest of her family-namely her only son, and her grandchildren.

I find myself really depressed about the whole situation. I got home last night, and talking to Archie, telling him about the day (combined with being tired and hungry), crying and upset, only led to me getting sick and throwing up in the kitchen. There's nothing I can do to make things better, or control anything about the situation. I can't make her more comfortable, I can't do anything to help her. I'm 24 weeks pregnant, and I keep reminding myself that while I don't have control over any of this, I do have to take care of myself and this unborn child within me. The last thing I want is to be so stressed that I go into preterm labor. I just don't think any of how I'm feeling is going to get better though until my grandmother passes. It will take time obviously for all of us to grieve, but the grieving process has already started for those of us who will continue to live on this earth after she's gone, and it's just dragging out indefinitely. Maybe my grandmother will go quickly. She's in the best place possible if she doesn't because they will be able to control her pain, make her as comfortable as possible, and they will make sure that she is well cared for. I already thought the nurses who worked with her yesterday were just so sweet with her. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Please just pray for my grandmother to be comfortable, and not to suffer. Pray that when she passes it is peacefully and she's surrounded by those who love her, that she isn't alone. Thanks guys.

Not Much to Say

I've been laying low the last couple of days, just trying to enjoy THIS. I have no idea what we'll hear or see tomorrow, but I can tell you that I hope it is a little bean nestled in comfortably with that little heart just fluttering away. Part of me is afraid to go to the appointment. I'm afraid that it will replay like the first part of my L&D trip last week and that they won't be able to see things that were there a week ago. I cried on the way into work last night thinking about it, and then decided I needed to buck up and try to be optimistic.

My sister was all worried the other day because we hadn't told her and she was afraid for us that we would lose this baby. It wasn't that I didn't want her to know or to worry, I just posted on here, told Archie, my mom and a few close friends. To be honest, I thought my mom would tell her, but she didn't probably because she thought I'd told her already. I told her that I'm doing everything in my control to keep anything bad from happening, but there are things in life we can't control. I've told her that I'm very nauseous (which as much as it sucks still isn't as bad as it was with Jack, and let's face it, it's reassuring at this point when I can't feel a baby move and I don't have a bump yet), that I'm praying, I've got friends (IRL and on here!) praying for us, and we just have to trust that everything will be ok. She said she felt better after hearing me say that (probably helps that I seemed optimistic), and that she's got people praying for us too.

We got the shirt in the mail that we'd ordered for Jack for when we do tell him. I haven't written the letter to him from the baby yet. I'm struggling with this. Archie reminded me on the way out the door tonight to write it so that if everything goes well tomorrow we can give it to Jack. I know I have to write it. In a way I feel like writing it may jinx it (I know, not likely, but it can't help but cross my mind), and to be honest, if we go in tomorrow and everything isn't ok, I will think about this letter. I will think about missing the opportunity to be able to give it to Jack and see his reaction.

I vascillate between these emotions of hope and fear. I just told you about the fearful emotion, but just Thursday I told Jack that his old teacher at his old school is pregnant and showed him the ultrasound picture she'd posted on facebook. I pointed out the head and belly, and he asked where the baby's arms were. I told him sometimes with those pictures it's hard to see everything but I was sure the baby had arms. He said he wished we had a baby. As Jack hid in the pantry (his norm when I'm getting my progesterone shot), I looked at Archie and asked if we could please tell him, it would make his day. He said, "Friday." I knew it was smarter to wait until Friday, just to make sure, but in that moment, I just wanted to tell him about it.

God, I hope tomorrow goes well. It's a really good thing I'm working tonight and will be too tired tomorrow to stay awake all day worrying. I'll only have to worry myself on our way up there and into the room, then we'll know what's going on.

Antsy

This word probably best describes me right now. I'm truly excited (how scary is that after going through this twice and now heading into it a third time-the actual transfer, remember, our second cycle we didn't put any back) about my transfer coming up Friday. That said, I'm also absolutely terrified. So many of the wonderful girls I communicate with on forums, blogs, IRL, are going through treatments right now too. One of my very close friends had a negative beta the other day (love you!), a girl whose blog I follow had her last appointment before being released to her OB a couple of days ago and had her second or third ultrasound only to find that the baby's heart had just recently stopped beating, another friend is facing a tough week ahead during lab tests to see if she can even do another treatment cycle and have another shot, and my cousin recently miscarried...again. The girls on my one forum that I'm actively on are all having transfers after me, I'm the first one of us. I don't want to fail, have them see me fail, and feel dread and negativity toward their own cycles.

It weighs on my mind what the people around me are going through and the immense disappointment I feel for them when yet again, one of us (or more in this case) are back to the drawing board. Some of these friends have children already, and some are trying to just have that first one. I remember all too clearly what it was like to feel, almost left behind. It's not a race for sure, but you can't help but notice when people you were married before are pregnant, or when you're thinking, wow, Mother's Day last year I was hoping to at least be pregnant and on my way, but here we are coming up on a second one and I'm still here with empty arms. Or, when a ton of people at work are pregnant and the jokes are going around, "Don't drink the water!!!" Shit, if it was just that easy.

I don't feel nearly as much despair as I once did. Does it bother me that we may never have another child? YES. But, we are also very blessed for our treatments to have worked at least once and to have given us a beautiful child who lights up our lives, and shows us that miracles do in fact, happen. I love my ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) buddies all around the world, and I want to support them through this, and I will need their support too. It's such a hard thing to deal with, and unless you've walked the paths, it's sometimes hard to fully comprehend. I can't begin to fully comprehend the loss of a child because I haven't been there, but I can imagine how I would feel if something happened to my child and I think I would probably have to multiply what I think I would feel by about 10 fold. It would be my worst nightmare. But, again, I haven't been there and don't REALLY know what it would be like, much like someone who hasn't dealt with infertility doesn't really know either.

I need a distraction. I will probably only check in every couple of days on here, simply because I'm scared to read other people's stories right now. I'm scared even to see the good things because I thought I had good symptoms last time, promising symptoms, and yet, nothing. I don't want to blog about all of my symptoms this time, because I'm reminded yet again that it's probably just the drugs making me feel this way or that (not feeling much of anything at this point probably because there isn't anything yet to make me crampy, spotting, twingy, etc. I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I'm afraid to talk about anything I do feel for multiple reasons-jinxing anything, making others around me who are struggling upset, sounding too optimistic or pessimistic. I like to go to the park or get outside when I am stressed out like this. Going to the park and hiking up to the waterfall nearby probably won't be a good idea post transfer, so maybe I'll settle, and we can go fishing a few times during my wait for my beta. We love fishing, and Archie and I were commenting today when Jack asked about fishing that we feel like we're behind this year! I've just been working so many weekends time has flown!

I started progesterone tonight and I'm continuing the estrogen. Both are shots. They're not too bad. Archie gives them to me in my bum, but he's better at it now then when we started this cycle (he was a little rusty after a couple of years). My biggest issue is the blood (and presumably progesterone) leaking back out when he pulls the needle out. I'm not sure if maybe I iced the area too long before the shot so it was harder for my muscle to absorb it, or if it's just the nature of this. I remember for our first cycle my underwear being stained in the upper outer corners of my butt because of the progesterone leaking out a little. I just want to have the best shot and keep as much of the meds in as possible in case God's plan is to bless us with another child (or two).

Follow-Up

First, I want to tell you that I spoke with my insurance company (I'm persistent aren't I?) and this lady today told me that everything has been paid or is in payment pending status which she verified with her supervisor meant that it was already counted toward our cap. I'm not sure I really believe this with the payment pending status ones because the amount she said we have used toward our cap is the same as it was this past Friday, and yet, this past Friday those things hadn't even been processed yet, bills had just been received. So, I'm thinking they will need to add that ~$3000 to our total so far, BUT, we will still have enough for this FET!!!!

I asked Dr. M today how our embryos were frozen. I knew they were vitrified, but I didn't realize until I was looking at some forums the other night that sometimes multiple ones are frozen together in "straws" and that means that sometimes you can "waste" embryos because the straw is thawed and you can't just take a few out of them. Luckily for me, mine were thawed one per straw, so there will be no wasting of these snowbabies.

I hadn't even considered it until one of my coworker's/friends asked me last night how they would know that the embryos were viable if they were freezing them the same day of transfer and they therefore wouldn't be able to show a progress in development. I thought about that and told her that was a really good question. So I asked Dr. M about it today and he said that they contract when frozen, and when they thaw and survive, they go back to their normal shape pre-freezing. If they don't survive the thaw, they stay all contracted up.

One thing that made me feel more optimistic about the embryos we have frozen was our discussion about how things used to be frozen (eggs, embryos, etc) and how they are now with our clinic (vitrification). Basically with vitrification it is a fast freeze, they put them in this liquid and freeze them with liquid nitrogen and store them. With the other way it took longer to freeze and they had less surviving thaw. Dr. M also told us that they are going to stop doing fresh egg donations because the success isn't nearly as good as it is with ones they have frozen and then try to fertilize. This makes me think maybe these guys will do ok. I also have a friend who has ONLY gotten pregnant on her FET cycles, she never got pregnant on her fresh cycles. Lord, I hope this works.

I am starting BCP's tonight. I asked about our protocol because I ovulated on BOTH BCP's and lupron before our last cycle and I wasn't sure if that happened if it would be a problem. He said we would just keep going. He came back to me a few minutes later and told me that he wasn't going to put me on lupron at all, so I'll just be on BCP's for about 3 weeks, then I'll have bloodwork done to make sure I didn't ovulate on it, and if everything looks ok, I'll start on estrogen shots IM every 3 days that Archie will give me. They will look at my uterine lining and make sure it is where it should be (Dr. M doesn't anticipate any issues here as I've never had issues with it before). Then my transfer date will likely be on a Friday (I'm thinking based on what they told me probably 4/22), they'll put back two if two survive the thaw, and then we'll have our pregnancy test (I forgot to ask how long after the transfer). It does sound like alot less monitoring and appointments which will be nice.

Hopefully if I can get in with a therapist and increase my acupuncture appointments to twice a week, my stress levels won't be too bad and we can get this done. I asked Dr. M if the recommendations for bedrest are the same for FET as they are for IVF and they are. HOWEVER, I am going to be off at least that night of transfer and the following night, and I am going to lay with a pillow under my butt, and I better be healthy with no low grade fevers or coughs this time! I will not drink caffeinated tea, I will not use my heating pad (except in an emergency on LOW heat). One of my former patients/friends said that for her last IVF cycle (successful) the only things she changed are that she drank whole milk and green tea. I HATE green tea, but I will choke it down (the decaf version) if it means I may get pregnant. I don't mind whole milk at all, I can add chocolate syrup and be fine. I also plan on eating pineapple starting the few days before our transfer and until our test. I'm not sure that that will really help, but I've heard people swear by it, and so I'm going to do it. One of the girls on one of the forums I follow also posted an article about IVF and Vitamin D, and while I know that my level was low, I also know that I wasn't considered deficient in December. Archie was and so we have Vit. D in the house now, and I will begin taking that as well, just in case.

I know it may sound crazy that I'm saying this, but I'm excited to start this next cycle. I've been so down the last few days, just really teary, and today has been a good day. I even wore my big girl panties and didn't cry with Dr. M today (although Archie said I almost did, but I pulled up the panties and kept it together). I will say that I am scared as well, go figure. I will not count on any of the "symptoms" I had this time as signs of pregnancy because they were obviously signs of the fertility drugs working, and my stress levels. I hate to be that way and feel like I won't let the symptoms make me hopeful during the two week wait, but they gave me hope this last time for no reason. I will hope that it happens, and I will pray that it results in a pregnancy, but I won't let my symptoms convince me that I am.

Drained

I just feel emotionally drained. Jack asked me in church the other day while I was holding him, "Mommy, are you sad that you don't have any babies?" Such a sweet boy. I told him that I was a little, but I was VERY glad that I had him. Thank God for that sweet little boy.

My mom is right, this is a loss no matter what others say. I HAD 2 babies in my belly that had been growing and developing as they should, but for whatever reason, they didn't stick around. I don't think of it as a miscarriage because they never stuck, but they were there. That said, I've chosen to move on. In cleaning out my van this past weekend, I threw out the pictures I had of where they were put in my uterus. Why keep them? It's not that I don't want to remember this cycle (seriously, how could I forget?), but it's not like in a few years I can show that picture to my child/children and say, that's the day you were put back in my tummy. I have those pictures for Jack, of the two embryos we put back, one of which was him, and of the sono pic where we see where the embryos were put on day of transfer. But with no children to show this picture to, why keep it? To be honest, I didn't feel bad throwing it out either. I'm done with that cycle. I'm ready for the next. Which is why I am so frustrated...

I spoke with our financial coordinator at our clinic yesterday. A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $4000, not including meds. I THINK we may have that left in our insurance cap, however, the lady I spoke to at the insurance company today was even less helpful than her counterpart on Friday and wouldn't go through and give me amounts that are pending. She told me I can call back in 10-12 days to see what's been processed. I called our financial coordinator again today to ask when our copay for the cycle would be due, and it will be due 10 days prior to starting any fertility drugs. My nurse called me yesterday and told me that if we wanted to do this cycle, Dr. M could start me on BCP's Thursday after our follow up. I have no idea when any fertility drugs would actually start, and he was pretty hazy on any meds when I spoke with him on Friday, so I'm hoping to get a clearer answer on Thursday about that so I can decide if starting pills this cycle is even worth it. If we have at least 10-12 days before any fertility drugs would start, then I guess we will start on BCP's. Worst case scenario, we find out that we don't have enough between insurance and our savings for this cycle right now and I stop the pills and we wait. We waited 7 months to be able to do our first IVF cycle, and we got Jack. We waited 2 years to do our second IVF cycle which was a bust. We waited 7 months for this third IVF cycle which at least gave us 4 embryos to save for later. And waiting for a FET sure won't kill us after all the previous waits, right?

I just wish I had answers. Or that our clinic had someone who could say, we billed this amount to your insurance company, they're processing it, and so you will have AT LEAST this amount left for whatever treatment you decide to do. Ugh.

I think God is trying to teach me patience. It sure isn't a trait I was blessed with, so I need to learn it. I'm working on it God, I am. Thanks for keeping me on track.

If all of this isn't draining enough combined with my frustrations in my professional life, I'm going to visit my grandmother this weekend. I'm driving up with my dad, and it's going to be like 11 to 12 hours probably roundtrip. We only stay about an hour because I think it's hard on us to have the same conversation about 15 times in that hour, and I can only imagine that it's hard for my grandmother when she isn't even sure who we are, or at least who I am. She thought I was her neice last time, and she thought my grandfather was still alive. That was really hard to take. I just feel beaten down emotionally, and I'm trying to amp myself up to get through this weekend without getting torn up too much more in this fight called life.

I Don't Know

I was frustrated, until I started to think about things more. I've been asked if I'll switch clinics. No, I can't if I want insurance to pay for it, not to mention that our doctor merged with this clinic because it is renowned in the region for being so good at what they do. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this. I asked my doc if he would do anything different, and he's right, you can't argue with how well the cycle itself went, and the fact that for the first time in 3 fresh cycles, we had embryos that made it so far, and some that are frozen. As I was explaining what Dr. M said on the phone yesterday to my mom this morning and I told her that he said that our embryos "weren't ready" to transfer on day 3 or 5, she asked, "What does he mean ready?" Great question. Seriously. I mean, to her I explained away that they weren't at the stage that the clinic wanted them to be at, maybe they have a protocol for where they need to be based on day to be able to transfer them. But really? Before we merged with this clinic, we put back day 3 embryos that weren't great quality... so what in the world did these have to look like to put them back earlier? You can't tell me that people have embryos that are hatching on day 3. I'm so irritated.

And I thought I was over crying until I got into the shower for work and as I was drying off, I found myself in tears because Jack unfortunately had to know that we were trying to give him a sibling, and that I had to explain what happened to the ones we put back. He went to all of my appointments with me for the most part, and Archie told him the day we did our transfer that there were babies in my tummy so that he wouldn't run and jump on me or headbutt me like he does sometimes. So I did it as delicately as I could, but I hope it was enough. He still is asking questions about how they physically got into heaven and unfortunately that's too complicated for even me to explain to him. He's seen me have blood on toilet paper before, and asked why, and he was worried, and my simple explanation was that when mommies don't make babies, we bleed and it's ok, it doesn't hurt and we're ok. I couldn't very well explain that instead of heaven, these babies will just come out with everything else. How morbid would that be? Not to mention, what in the world would the kid think later on in life. So the heaven explanation was better in my opinion, but I wish he didn't have to KNOW how everything works. I swear he'll be an engineer one day.

Jack is going to know the next time too, because when you have to be at your appointments at 7:30am, and you don't get off work until then, and you already have your child with you (my mom watches him at night when Archie and I both work and then we trade off in the morning at work), it's just something you have to do.

I can't say I'm ready to go through all of this emotionally again. But this is the second time, and I feel like I've been handling things better-whether that's because I know we're not "done" since we still have 4 embies on ice, or because unfortunately it's not our first time going through this-I don't know. It sucks for sure. But, I almost feel like if we can just continue this sucky roller coaster ride and keep on going, MAYBE something good will come of it. I feel like if we take a break and wait until next year, I may be even more apprehensive. I don't know. It terrifies me to think that not only will I possibly have to deal with "being done", and "not having any more", but I'm most terrified about how to explain to Jack, good enough to satisfy him, that he won't have a brother or sister when I know that he wants one so bad. Crap, I'm crying again. Ok, I have to be done, it's time for dinner, and I have to get my stuff together so I can work tonight.

Even Little Decisions Are Hard to Make

Here we are, mid-August. I was just going through my planner to update a new one with birthdays, etc., and came across appointments we had for interviews with different adoption agencies, and before that, appointments for trial transfers, high risk OB's, and dates to start fertility drugs. It obviously conjured up memories...no way to avoid them I suppose.

I also got my twice yearly email that the consignment sale I always go to is nearing again. Each time it comes around I think about selling my maternity clothes, Jack's clothes he has outgrown. Each time I feel pulled between making room in my house, making some money from it, and the "what ifs". What if I do get pregnant? What if I get pregnant and the baby is a boy? What if that baby is born around the same time Jack was so we could use those clothes again? And each time I decide not to sell those things.

The other morning I was laying in bed, cuddling a small warm body, soaking up his little boy smells while I waited for him to wake up. I was thinking about how "comfortable" we are right now. With only one child, we can afford to do more day trips, we can make quick (sort of) trips to the grocery store, financially we're just more comfortable. He's 3, and relatively independent. I don't have multiple kids to buckle in, keep happy during the car ride, gather up tons of stuff just to go to the store. I don't have to worry about buying diapers, breastmilk storage bags, wipes, frequent doctor's appointments. It's "nice" I have to admit. The next moment I am asking myself what the heck I am thinking? Are you serious? You've spent the last 2.5 years trying to get pregnant again. You've had one failed treatment in that time, and started and stopped the adoption process. All things that took alot of time, dedication, and emotions to get through and you are questioning if it would be "easier" and "more convenient" to just give up? You never "give up". I was mad at myself for even thinking about it. Such is the mind of an infertile I suppose.

I am 95% sure we will try another IVF cycle. If we didn't try another cycle, I'd always be asking myself, "what if". When I think about doing another cycle, I ask myself "what if?". What if it doesn't work? What if it works too well and we end up with multiples? Haha, want to talk about being financially UNcomfortable, lol. What would I do about work? Childcare? Schooling? What if we had twins in the NICU?

One of my friends told me the other day she was pregnant. I am truly happy for her. In the midst of our conversation she was talking about being sick again. I laughed because we had just covered my crazy thoughts and how being sick again wasn't even really on the list of "what ifs". If I am sick again and it's like it was before, there is a plan in place for it. I am a planner, and I need a plan. I think that is why I am so hesitant. Anyone who does IVF (Octomom included-dummy that she is) knows that there is a risk of multiples. I think that just freaks me out the most because it is the one thing I am having the most trouble planning for. It brings up things like bedrest...I'm already probably going to only have about an 8 week maternity leave thanks to being out forever for my wrist. How the hell would that work? Could I find work I could do from home while I'm out? No idea. Sure couldn't while I was out with my wrist. If I had multiples and had a c-section, I'd have to be out of work for 8 weeks at least anyway, there goes my maternity leave, and that is fine if my babies are at home, but what if they're in the NICU-it's not even like I could go back to work to save maternity leave for when they come home.

Could I sit back and not do another cycle? Well, God knows we haven't stopped trying to conceive since we started a couple of years ago...and it hasn't worked. And I'm 30 now. We know my eggs are not great anymore from the last cycle we attempted. It's not going to get any better the older I get. I think Archie and I would always wonder what if. And it's not like we'd have to put out a huge chunk of money this time that would be a significant deterrent. Just our emotions, and thoughts that are at risk if we don't do it. And as much as we've wanted it I guess we will try...now to decide about whether or not to sell the baby and maternity clothes in the meantime...