So Unhappy...

Last Thursday afternoon, I got a bill from our fertility clinic. It was for a little over $2200. Hello! So on Friday, I called the billing department to find out what these charges were for, and I was informed that $1000 was for our copay for our cycle, and one was for $1250 for the cryopreservation for our embryos. Do you remember this post where they had told me that I wouldn't have the full $1000 copay because our insurance doesn't cover thawing of the embryos and so I would only be responsible for the $530 for that???? Yeah. I also was told before we did our first cycle of the year that cryopreservation was covered which I thought was odd, but I had the financial coordinator double check and she assured me they cover it.

So, I got on the phone with the financial coordinator who had taken over for the one who told me that the insurance covered cryopreservation and asked her to look back in her records for what was actually said. She found that it was covered 80% and we'd be responsible for 20%. This takes that part of the bill down to $250 we should owe. I forgot to ask her about the copay, and called back again yesterday, and finally heard from her today. She was the one who had told me that we wouldn't have the copay and on the phone today she told me that was correct because our insurance doesn't cover thawing. I explained to her that they were telling me that I did in fact owe this money, and they'd already appealed it twice to the insurance company. She called their managed care department and called me back and told me that they consider it to be just like an IVF cycle because one of the billing codes was for embryo transfer. So, I owe this $1000. Shouldn't she have known this before our cycle? We asked specifically for them to double check so that we wouldn't have any surprise bills. And the bill for the cryopreservation, yeah, that happened back on March 2nd, so what's the hold up? Anyway, I guess we're going to be out some money.

Disney is cancelled. It was cancelled before this, but there is no way it could happen now. And I have to call the guy in charge of billing for cryo and embryo storage tomorrow to get him to resolve the other $1000 of the cryo bill. Ugh. Wish people would get their stuff straight the first and second time you ask them to make sure the info is right.

Thanks for letting me vent! I will say that while these bills coming in flat out suck, Archie put a good spin on it. At least we have something to show for these bills coming in, it's not like we're getting these bills unexpectedly and it being a slap in the face when the cycle failed. He's so right. I'm done venting, and will get on it with it now!

Gearing Up for FET#1

I called our financial coordinator today to make sure all bills/copays/etc. were paid up and ready to go since my baseline appointment is late next week. I got some good news, I think. I expected to have a bill for about $400 to cover my storage for my embryos and 3 copays for office visits I hadn't yet received a bill for. I also expected to have a $1000 copay. When I talked to her yesterday she said she only saw that I owed $530 (obviously doesn't match any of my numbers right?) and she didn't want to take any money for things I may not actually owe. Go figure, neither of us could get through yesterday or today to the billing department to get things sorted out. How can a very reputable fertility clinic like this one get away with NO ONE answering their phones in the billing department for two days straight? Anyway, I digress.

So I did catch up with her late today and we owe the $405, and supposedly we only owe $530 for the thawing of our embryos because our insurance doesn't cover that. I think it's odd that they will cover the cryopreservation, but not the thawing, however, the first is ALOT more expensive, so I'll take it. So, no copay is due which means we saved a little money and that is great news! The other great news is that if for some reason we run out of embryos or they have to thaw more than the initial two embryos to get a total of two to put back and we don't store any after this cycle, our storage fee will be refunded. So that's awesome. She, for some strange reason, thought we were putting back all of our embryos. For a second I thought, hmmm, not a bad idea. And then I realized it's a REALLY bad idea. HELLO JEN! I may not get pregnant putting two back at a time, but if I put 4 back at once, I'd be pregnant with at least 4 babies-that is my luck people. I'll take my chances with two at a time. I wouldn't want a pregnancy that might cost me the babies I've prayed for, nor do I want it to possibly cost me my own life.

In other news, I dropped everything off for my first consignment sale today and I'm excited. They have over 70,000 items registered for sale, and over 500 consignors and they said that this is the largest sale they have ever had. The place is huge, and admittedly, I felt overwhelmed volunteering there today. I am volunteering again tomorrow, but the only other sale I've volunteered at I thought was pure madness when they open their doors, and I have a funny feeling I haven't seen anything yet. My big item that I took today was my bike trailer, and I already had another volunteer oogling over it, so I hope it goes and I don't have to take it back home. The only other big thing I took (size wise) was a plastic desk and chair set I had bought for Jack and I don't think I'll be bringing that back home either. Everything else was smaller toys, toy sets, and clothes/shoes, etc. I'm hoping I sell most of it, and if not, they're having another sale late July!

My baseline appointment is supposed to be next Thursday or Friday and I'm really looking forward to that simply because I have no idea when I'm supposed to start the estrogen and progesterone injections and I'm ready for answers on that.

Oh yeah, just a little snapshot or two of what else has been keeping our family busy since Sunday and will continue to keep us busy through at least the middle of next week...


Bumble, a very shy little 8 week old girl who loves her brother, but isn't so sure she likes people yet. We're working on forcing this on her since she WILL NOT come to us on her own.


Bonkers, her brother was very shy on night one, but he will come to us now, and has decided people are kind of nice. He plays like crazy, and Bonkers is a very suitable name for him. He cracks me up because when he tries to play now, he pounces like a cat.

NO we are not keeping these puppies. We foster for our state's SPCA and mainly we take puppies or younger dogs who need socialization or just some TLC-some are severely emaciated, some are very shy, and some just need to learn that humans are ok. Between the sale and these two, I should be kept pretty busy until my appointment next week. :-)

Follow-Up

First, I want to tell you that I spoke with my insurance company (I'm persistent aren't I?) and this lady today told me that everything has been paid or is in payment pending status which she verified with her supervisor meant that it was already counted toward our cap. I'm not sure I really believe this with the payment pending status ones because the amount she said we have used toward our cap is the same as it was this past Friday, and yet, this past Friday those things hadn't even been processed yet, bills had just been received. So, I'm thinking they will need to add that ~$3000 to our total so far, BUT, we will still have enough for this FET!!!!

I asked Dr. M today how our embryos were frozen. I knew they were vitrified, but I didn't realize until I was looking at some forums the other night that sometimes multiple ones are frozen together in "straws" and that means that sometimes you can "waste" embryos because the straw is thawed and you can't just take a few out of them. Luckily for me, mine were thawed one per straw, so there will be no wasting of these snowbabies.

I hadn't even considered it until one of my coworker's/friends asked me last night how they would know that the embryos were viable if they were freezing them the same day of transfer and they therefore wouldn't be able to show a progress in development. I thought about that and told her that was a really good question. So I asked Dr. M about it today and he said that they contract when frozen, and when they thaw and survive, they go back to their normal shape pre-freezing. If they don't survive the thaw, they stay all contracted up.

One thing that made me feel more optimistic about the embryos we have frozen was our discussion about how things used to be frozen (eggs, embryos, etc) and how they are now with our clinic (vitrification). Basically with vitrification it is a fast freeze, they put them in this liquid and freeze them with liquid nitrogen and store them. With the other way it took longer to freeze and they had less surviving thaw. Dr. M also told us that they are going to stop doing fresh egg donations because the success isn't nearly as good as it is with ones they have frozen and then try to fertilize. This makes me think maybe these guys will do ok. I also have a friend who has ONLY gotten pregnant on her FET cycles, she never got pregnant on her fresh cycles. Lord, I hope this works.

I am starting BCP's tonight. I asked about our protocol because I ovulated on BOTH BCP's and lupron before our last cycle and I wasn't sure if that happened if it would be a problem. He said we would just keep going. He came back to me a few minutes later and told me that he wasn't going to put me on lupron at all, so I'll just be on BCP's for about 3 weeks, then I'll have bloodwork done to make sure I didn't ovulate on it, and if everything looks ok, I'll start on estrogen shots IM every 3 days that Archie will give me. They will look at my uterine lining and make sure it is where it should be (Dr. M doesn't anticipate any issues here as I've never had issues with it before). Then my transfer date will likely be on a Friday (I'm thinking based on what they told me probably 4/22), they'll put back two if two survive the thaw, and then we'll have our pregnancy test (I forgot to ask how long after the transfer). It does sound like alot less monitoring and appointments which will be nice.

Hopefully if I can get in with a therapist and increase my acupuncture appointments to twice a week, my stress levels won't be too bad and we can get this done. I asked Dr. M if the recommendations for bedrest are the same for FET as they are for IVF and they are. HOWEVER, I am going to be off at least that night of transfer and the following night, and I am going to lay with a pillow under my butt, and I better be healthy with no low grade fevers or coughs this time! I will not drink caffeinated tea, I will not use my heating pad (except in an emergency on LOW heat). One of my former patients/friends said that for her last IVF cycle (successful) the only things she changed are that she drank whole milk and green tea. I HATE green tea, but I will choke it down (the decaf version) if it means I may get pregnant. I don't mind whole milk at all, I can add chocolate syrup and be fine. I also plan on eating pineapple starting the few days before our transfer and until our test. I'm not sure that that will really help, but I've heard people swear by it, and so I'm going to do it. One of the girls on one of the forums I follow also posted an article about IVF and Vitamin D, and while I know that my level was low, I also know that I wasn't considered deficient in December. Archie was and so we have Vit. D in the house now, and I will begin taking that as well, just in case.

I know it may sound crazy that I'm saying this, but I'm excited to start this next cycle. I've been so down the last few days, just really teary, and today has been a good day. I even wore my big girl panties and didn't cry with Dr. M today (although Archie said I almost did, but I pulled up the panties and kept it together). I will say that I am scared as well, go figure. I will not count on any of the "symptoms" I had this time as signs of pregnancy because they were obviously signs of the fertility drugs working, and my stress levels. I hate to be that way and feel like I won't let the symptoms make me hopeful during the two week wait, but they gave me hope this last time for no reason. I will hope that it happens, and I will pray that it results in a pregnancy, but I won't let my symptoms convince me that I am.

Drained

I just feel emotionally drained. Jack asked me in church the other day while I was holding him, "Mommy, are you sad that you don't have any babies?" Such a sweet boy. I told him that I was a little, but I was VERY glad that I had him. Thank God for that sweet little boy.

My mom is right, this is a loss no matter what others say. I HAD 2 babies in my belly that had been growing and developing as they should, but for whatever reason, they didn't stick around. I don't think of it as a miscarriage because they never stuck, but they were there. That said, I've chosen to move on. In cleaning out my van this past weekend, I threw out the pictures I had of where they were put in my uterus. Why keep them? It's not that I don't want to remember this cycle (seriously, how could I forget?), but it's not like in a few years I can show that picture to my child/children and say, that's the day you were put back in my tummy. I have those pictures for Jack, of the two embryos we put back, one of which was him, and of the sono pic where we see where the embryos were put on day of transfer. But with no children to show this picture to, why keep it? To be honest, I didn't feel bad throwing it out either. I'm done with that cycle. I'm ready for the next. Which is why I am so frustrated...

I spoke with our financial coordinator at our clinic yesterday. A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $4000, not including meds. I THINK we may have that left in our insurance cap, however, the lady I spoke to at the insurance company today was even less helpful than her counterpart on Friday and wouldn't go through and give me amounts that are pending. She told me I can call back in 10-12 days to see what's been processed. I called our financial coordinator again today to ask when our copay for the cycle would be due, and it will be due 10 days prior to starting any fertility drugs. My nurse called me yesterday and told me that if we wanted to do this cycle, Dr. M could start me on BCP's Thursday after our follow up. I have no idea when any fertility drugs would actually start, and he was pretty hazy on any meds when I spoke with him on Friday, so I'm hoping to get a clearer answer on Thursday about that so I can decide if starting pills this cycle is even worth it. If we have at least 10-12 days before any fertility drugs would start, then I guess we will start on BCP's. Worst case scenario, we find out that we don't have enough between insurance and our savings for this cycle right now and I stop the pills and we wait. We waited 7 months to be able to do our first IVF cycle, and we got Jack. We waited 2 years to do our second IVF cycle which was a bust. We waited 7 months for this third IVF cycle which at least gave us 4 embryos to save for later. And waiting for a FET sure won't kill us after all the previous waits, right?

I just wish I had answers. Or that our clinic had someone who could say, we billed this amount to your insurance company, they're processing it, and so you will have AT LEAST this amount left for whatever treatment you decide to do. Ugh.

I think God is trying to teach me patience. It sure isn't a trait I was blessed with, so I need to learn it. I'm working on it God, I am. Thanks for keeping me on track.

If all of this isn't draining enough combined with my frustrations in my professional life, I'm going to visit my grandmother this weekend. I'm driving up with my dad, and it's going to be like 11 to 12 hours probably roundtrip. We only stay about an hour because I think it's hard on us to have the same conversation about 15 times in that hour, and I can only imagine that it's hard for my grandmother when she isn't even sure who we are, or at least who I am. She thought I was her neice last time, and she thought my grandfather was still alive. That was really hard to take. I just feel beaten down emotionally, and I'm trying to amp myself up to get through this weekend without getting torn up too much more in this fight called life.

God's Will

That is the only thing I can come to when I think about this cycle. Seriously, how else could a cycle go so well, with such beautiful embryos, and it still not result in a pregnancy? God has something else planned for us. I saw this beautiful quote last night, and I can't remember where, but it said something to the effect that God answers prayers in 3 ways- "Yes" and gives you what you want, "No" and gives you something better, or "Wait" and He gives you the best. That was profound to me, I know it sounds lame, but seriously. It's true. I don't know at this point whether He is saying "no" or "wait". We had to wait with Jack, and he is the best gift Archie and I have ever received. And believe me, we can't even begin to tell you how often we will look at each other and say Thank God for Jack. For all we know He is telling us "no", and our gift is that we get to do more with Jack and for Jack, the gift He has already shared with us. When I look at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.

AF arrived today just before work. Yay. I called and left my nurse a message to find out what our next step is as far as they are concerned. I will be calling our financial coordinator first thing tomorrow morning to try and make sure financially we are a go for this cycle, and we're praying that we'll have enough to get out another cycle this year. We shall see!

Confession

So I have to admit something. I am really irritated and just have to spill it. This blog is not private, I know that. I know that my family and friends read it. Sometimes I censor what I say for whatever reason, whether it be not to hurt someone, not to have all of our business hanging out there, or just because the thoughts in my head are not ones that I should, could, or need to share. Heck, sometimes I don't share because I know that certain people read it and I don't want to hear what they have to say. Ha! The joke is on me, because there are some people in everyone's life who will tell you things you don't want to hear. They are brave, and they know you well, and well, that person in my life is my mom. I love her, but sometimes I don't want to hear what she has to say. She knows it, believe me, it's nothing new.

We didn't just start talking about finances. My mother saw my blog post where I had mentioned we were going to try IUI if our RE was ok with it after testing, etc. I got an email from her with her unsolicited opinion (hi mom!, I know, you wouldn't be doing your job as a mom if you didn't tell me...I sort of appreciate that...SORT OF) about getting my house in order, finances in order, etc., and thinking that my husband would back me up and say, "why does she have to butt in?" showed him the email instead of keeping it to myself. This is where it all started. He said to me, "She's right." Damnit. Don't you think I know she is right? That is NOT the point. The point is, I want another baby, you want another baby, Jack wants a "baby sister", and according to Dr. M, my egg quality had greatly declined in the 3 years between our first IVF cycle and our last. I don't care if she is right!!!!!!!!!

I love my mother, she is one of my confidantes and best friends. I did not take her email the wrong way, I know she is trying to help and keep me out of trouble in more ways than one, but I am not dealing well with this. The plan to pay off our credit cards is great in theory, but I haven't gotten an agency shift in over a month, and haven't gotten overtime from work in over 3 weeks. I admit that it is a smart move. Our house is 23 years old and our heat pump is original, my husband's car isn't going to last much longer, etc. But, where is the money to pay off the stupid credit cards supposed to come from??!?!? I am frustrated, I am looking into doing phone triage for pediatricians from home, but still waiting for more info on that, and in the meantime, I continue to look for shifts to pick up. Archie talks about getting a second job, but doing what? And making what? Minimum wage? What's the point? He'd have to work so many hours to make it worth it, and then what happens to family time or time for him to sleep? I even picked up an application for Gymboree the other day, and let's be real, they pay minimum wage, and to be honest, they would be getting their money back because I would have to buy all the cute stuff for Jack. So really, no point.

What are the chances that an IUI would work? Who the hell knows, but I know that IVF was our best chance to get pregnant again. It isn't IVF. I also know that we could do 4 cycles and have every last one not work, and then we're in no better position than we are right this minute financially. We're also in no worse position. If it works, well, that would be great news, but financially it might be harder if I'm sick like I was with Jack because the overtime might be really hard to do. Or it could be easier if I'm getting IV fluids. Who knows. I just know that I'm not even 30 yet, my eggs are crap, and let's be honest, I want what I want and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my eggs.

That is my confession. My nice little ICLW post made it sound like it's a great plan, I've got it all together, etc., but I'm not handling it quite as pretty as that. I'm not happy about it, I can't find a solution, and I'm driving myself (and in a few hours, my husband when he gets home from work) crazy. I need help!!!!

Happy February ICLW!

Hi to my fellow ICLWer's!!! For our back history, please see here.

Since then, a few things have changed. We found out that through the merger with the other fertility clinic, it would cost us about $5K out of pocket for another IVF cycle. We were hoping to have that back with taxes, but we had to repair our roof and pay off some debt, so no money left there.

Our SA was better when we did our last cycle (March 2009), and I began to question whether it would be possible to do an IUI cycle, given the MFI, and only one patent tube. We did get the ok from my urologist to go forward with trying to get pregnant again. We called the RE and asked if he'd be willing to consider an IUI, he would, but wants to get another SA, bloodwork, and another HSG on me before we make any firm decisions. I had started taking royal jelly, bee propolis, pollen, and honey, and had ordered FertilAid for Men for my husband to begin figuring it takes a couple of months for that to really work.

Then we began discussing finances again, and with not much in savings, if something went up with the house or car, we'd be in trouble. So, once again, our plan is on hold while we pay off our credit cards. My hope is that we'll be able to get the extra shifts we need to be able to get this done within a few months. In the meantime, I will continue to take my bee supplements, and Archie will start on his fertility stuff, and when we're close to paying off the credit cards, I will make our follow up appointment with our RE and hopefully at that point, things will fall into place perfectly...however, given our record, I'd say something else is bound to come up.