First Reflections

I've gotten through about 12% (according to my Kindle) of Jennifer Saake's book entitled "Hannah's Hope". I've read the bible passages she referenced in the first part of it, and I've read the "Burden Bearers" section meant for people (friends, family, church leaders, etc) supporting those dealing with infertility, loss, failed adoptions, etc. Below are some of the things that stuck out to me, and my reflections on them.

Saake asks at one point in her own experiences, "Would I choose bitterness and self destruction, or growth and renewed hope?" That resonated with me as I remember those dark days after our first failed cycle. I remember the extreme bitterness and depression I was battling. I think I'm difficult to deal with on a regular basis (God bless my husband and mother), but I know that I hated myself after that cycle, and I know it showed to those around me. I was terrified of what I would be like if our third cycle was a failure too. I told myself I had to stay focused on what I do have (a wonderfully supportive family and friends, and a really sweet and adorable little boy), and just keep on living life no matter how difficult that might be. I spoke with my psychiatrist last week about how I try really hard to stay away from the negative thoughts that come into my mind, but sometimes it's so hard to let it go, just like thinking about adoption if all of these cycles fail, but then thinking, I have to focus on "the now". It's so hard to turn off that type of thinking. She suggested something that she had suggested when I first started seeing her years ago and was in a bad depression, and that is that when I start to think these negative thoughts, say, "This is not helpful." And when I was first diagnosed with depression, I remember thinking "this is not helpful, but I can't think of anything else." Maybe I've been trained in how to better manage my depression since then, but my psychiatrist added to it this past week in saying that after I say that to myself, I need to redirect to focusing on the positive. This is tricky for someone like me who is dealing with secondary infertility now. Believe me when I tell you that my son is what makes me want to get up in the morning, who can resist such a sweet voice over the baby monitor (don't laugh, I have a hard time hearing him when I have the fan on in my room and the door closed to keep the dog in)? I am eternally grateful to the precious gift God continues to give us in that little boy of mine. BUT, I also have a very hard time finding a positive to focus on during a cycle that unfortunately, but realistically, may not work. In this case, my doctor suggested focusing on what I have control over. Control is a huge issue for this type A infertile. The problem is that with these cycles, you can only control so much. But she is right. I will focus on what I can control-the vitamins and supplements I am taking, my meds, how much I lay around with my butt in the air on Mother's day weekend (with the exception of going out to lunch with my mom on Sunday!), controlling what I do and do not put into my body (no caffeine!). These are the things I can control. I cannot control whether God will ultimately bless us with another pregnancy. I cannot control whether that pregnancy will result in a healthy full-term baby. I have to learn to give those things over to Him, and in doing that and letting go of what I cannot control, I believe I am growing and having more hope. I am not as bitter as I once was.

Saake talks about her own childhood memories and I find that they are rather similar to my own hopes and dreams I had as a child about becoming a mother. I always wanted to play the "mommy" when my sister and I would play pretend "House". I was always Mommy to my dolls. I remember liking to bring my dolls and strap them into the seat next to me in the car, and even dressing my cat-Toby-in infant onesies (seriously I have a picture somewhere to prove it, poor cat). These little fantasies didn't stop as I got older. I knew that the kids in the Early Childhood classes in high school got to carry around "flour babies" and so I signed up for that class, and my cabbage patch from my younger days got a sack of flour taped around his plush body, my mom took me to a consignment store to get some outfits for him, and I carried him around with me as my class called for (everywhere you could and if you couldn't take it with you, you'd better have a babysitter!) for a few weeks and most of the time loved it. His name was Austin Michael-no joke, I still remember this, LOL. The only really embarassing moment is that I must have played the part pretty well because some older woman was interested in seeing this (and by this, I mean ME) 16 year old girl's baby in the grocery store, and I didn't want to undo the blanket, show her and have to explain it. My mother was with me and I remember feeling REALLY awkward, and then my mom (who I fully expected to step in and explain our school project) said, "Go ahead, show her." I couldn't wait for the day when someone really would be interested in seeing my REAL live baby. The scary part was that as excited as I was about this role I'd one day play, I always worried. I worried I'd get divorced like my parents and be single and have to get artificially inseminated and raise a child on my own. I remember feeling like something just wouldn't be easy about having a child for me. I would watch the lifetime movies and see the people being surrogates for their close friends and not realizing just how huge a decision that would be, and all the legal and emotional matters surrounding that decision, but thinking that I would so do that for someone else, and wondering would someone do it for me if I needed that? I didn't know at that point that I had endometriosis, but I did know that I had really heavy, painful periods and it worried me. I didn't know for sure that we would have issues, but it was really eerie when we were diagnosed with all of our issues, and I realized that I'd always thought having a baby would be an issue for me.

The other thing that Saake suggests in the beginning part of the book is to "list your fears about your family as it is currently designed, then ask the Lord to help you trust him with your worries." I have prayed and asked for Him to help us continue to grow our family because I fear that we won't be able to have any more children. I've asked Him to protect our son and continue to give us so many more days and moments together because one of my biggest fears is that we will lose him (I don't think it helps to be a nurse who works with children who sometimes don't make it). I've asked Him to protect our marriage because I know how much of a toll the emotional part of infertility can take on a relationship, and how much the drugs make me a loon and I fear Archie will want to leave. I've asked Him not to give us more than we can handle emotionally, financially or physically. I've asked Him to continue to provide for us in the ways that only He can, and to help me give up the control on the things that are solely in His control. These are the things I pray for on a regular basis for our family.

Dreams

My dreams have been really odd lately, but given how I've been feeling and the upcoming cycle, I guess my brain is just in overdrive. The other day during my nap, I had a dream that my mom called me, she had gotten my labwork, and told me that I was pregnant. I wasn't far along-I wasn't sick either. It was nice, and I thought to myself (in my dream), "Man, I better enjoy this for as long as it lasts because I know from experience it may not stay this way!" I said to my mom, "Are you happy, you're the first to know this time, even before me and Archie!" I will explain this comment further below. Anyway, Archie didn't know I was pregnant at this point, and I remember thinking, "When did I start to get sick with Jack...about 5.5 weeks, so I've got a week and a half to figure out a great way to tell him the good news!" It was funny because obviously we'd gotten pregnant on our own or he would have known that I was having bloodwork done to check and see if we were pregnant. I woke up at that point.

When we were doing our IVF cycle with Jack we had our retrieval and found out that beta date would be April 20th. My mom was scheduled for hernia surgery that day, and I was working the night before. I'd heard that I could get my results within a couple hours of my labwork, so I went right after I got off of work and had my blood drawn. Well, my labwork wasn't back in a couple of hours, and my mom said she wanted to be the first to know after Archie of course. This was a problem on multiple levels. My sister was waiting with us in the waiting room, as was my grandfather and one of my aunt's. Anyway, I got the phone call I'd been waiting for from my nurse after 2pm!!! Seriously, that 7 hour wait about killed me! I tried to tell Archie before my sister found out, but he wasn't looking at the card I wrote the note on (I was hiding it behind my sister's laptop so he could see it first). So they found out at the same time. My mom was in the OR, so we couldn't tell her yet, and Archie went off and called his family to tell them, and my family could tell what the results were when they looked over. My mom was basically the last to know, she was very upset. BUT, she was soooo excited! So the whole little comment in my dream stems back to that no doubt. She swears she'd better be first to know besides us this next time, LOL. To be honest, this dream really did make me feel better and more excited about the upcoming cycle. Now I'm ready to go! What a roller coaster.

I had another weird dream yesterday during my nap before work. It was ugly and bad. Basically we were going on an international flight-me, my mom, Jack and Archie. As we were boarding the airline agents kept staring at Archie, it was weird. I asked if there was a problem and they said there wasn't. Once on the plane, they made everyone get off, and go through the process again of checking our ID's, passports, luggage, etc. We go to get back on and again they are staring at Archie. I was so annoyed, I asked if there was a problem, again they said no. My mom is leading the way with Jack to our seats with me and Archie following. We get to our seats only to turn around and see that Archie's being detained a few rows back and as I start walking toward them to find out what's going on, they shoot him! I freak out of course and run to him, turn around to look at my mom who is in complete shock only to realize that Jack is gone. We start screaming and looking for him but we can't find him and no one will tell us what happened to Archie or Jack. Jack woke up from his nap at that point and woke me up, but I was panicked. What is up with that dream?!?!? I'll take more of the pregnancy ones thank you!

As a side note, I went for a routine renal ultrasound today just to check and make sure I don't have any stones brewing before we start this cycle and (hopefully) get pregnant. I swear I am a nurse for a reason and not a radiologist because all I saw when they looked at my kidneys was fetuses inside those kidneys. I obviously have no idea what I'm looking at on those renal ultrasounds, but I think it's undeniable that I have baby on the brain, LOL.

Dreams

There isn't too much going on for me to post about, so I thought I'd tell you about some things that have happened, dream-related, over the last week.

I had a dream about a week ago, that one of my coworkers was going around telling people that I was pregnant and I was so mad. This dream however really didn't make too much sense because in my dream, I looked like I was about 32 weeks pregnant, so how people wouldn't have known already is beyond me. But it was a funny dream, and if it can't be real, dreams will have to suffice for now!

Then when I was at work the other night, one of our unit secretaries, told me that she'd had a dream about me. In it, I was pregnant (I had to ask how pregnant when she got further into it, it's the NICU nurse in me, and turns out I was "huge"), and in labor on our unit in the middle of the hall. She said she had never heard anyone scream like that. She said that one of our other coworkers was having a hissy fit about where the Labor and Delivery team was when they are only one floor above us, and wanted to know what the heck was taking so long. Then she woke up. It's funny because unless I absolutely had to, I wouldn't choose my hospital to deliver, just because I work with all of those people everyday, and I would want some privacy. The other part is that I am a wuss when it comes to pain, so you had better believe I would absolutely not be handling it well!! My coworker did tell me that the last time she had a pregnancy dream about someone, it was another coworker, and that when she'd told the person about the dream, she said she hoped it would come true. This person has a history of 6 miscarriages, and two live children, but she came back a few days later and confided in her that she was in fact pregnant (the result was her youngest daughter).

I could hope right?!?!?