I Don't Know

I was frustrated, until I started to think about things more. I've been asked if I'll switch clinics. No, I can't if I want insurance to pay for it, not to mention that our doctor merged with this clinic because it is renowned in the region for being so good at what they do. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this. I asked my doc if he would do anything different, and he's right, you can't argue with how well the cycle itself went, and the fact that for the first time in 3 fresh cycles, we had embryos that made it so far, and some that are frozen. As I was explaining what Dr. M said on the phone yesterday to my mom this morning and I told her that he said that our embryos "weren't ready" to transfer on day 3 or 5, she asked, "What does he mean ready?" Great question. Seriously. I mean, to her I explained away that they weren't at the stage that the clinic wanted them to be at, maybe they have a protocol for where they need to be based on day to be able to transfer them. But really? Before we merged with this clinic, we put back day 3 embryos that weren't great quality... so what in the world did these have to look like to put them back earlier? You can't tell me that people have embryos that are hatching on day 3. I'm so irritated.

And I thought I was over crying until I got into the shower for work and as I was drying off, I found myself in tears because Jack unfortunately had to know that we were trying to give him a sibling, and that I had to explain what happened to the ones we put back. He went to all of my appointments with me for the most part, and Archie told him the day we did our transfer that there were babies in my tummy so that he wouldn't run and jump on me or headbutt me like he does sometimes. So I did it as delicately as I could, but I hope it was enough. He still is asking questions about how they physically got into heaven and unfortunately that's too complicated for even me to explain to him. He's seen me have blood on toilet paper before, and asked why, and he was worried, and my simple explanation was that when mommies don't make babies, we bleed and it's ok, it doesn't hurt and we're ok. I couldn't very well explain that instead of heaven, these babies will just come out with everything else. How morbid would that be? Not to mention, what in the world would the kid think later on in life. So the heaven explanation was better in my opinion, but I wish he didn't have to KNOW how everything works. I swear he'll be an engineer one day.

Jack is going to know the next time too, because when you have to be at your appointments at 7:30am, and you don't get off work until then, and you already have your child with you (my mom watches him at night when Archie and I both work and then we trade off in the morning at work), it's just something you have to do.

I can't say I'm ready to go through all of this emotionally again. But this is the second time, and I feel like I've been handling things better-whether that's because I know we're not "done" since we still have 4 embies on ice, or because unfortunately it's not our first time going through this-I don't know. It sucks for sure. But, I almost feel like if we can just continue this sucky roller coaster ride and keep on going, MAYBE something good will come of it. I feel like if we take a break and wait until next year, I may be even more apprehensive. I don't know. It terrifies me to think that not only will I possibly have to deal with "being done", and "not having any more", but I'm most terrified about how to explain to Jack, good enough to satisfy him, that he won't have a brother or sister when I know that he wants one so bad. Crap, I'm crying again. Ok, I have to be done, it's time for dinner, and I have to get my stuff together so I can work tonight.