Out of the Mouths of Babes

I broke the news this morning to Jack when I got him up for school. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Jack, something sad happened last night.
Jack: What?
Me: Grandmom Ann went to heaven.

silence. I gave him a couple of minutes.

Me: Do you have any questions?
Jack: How did Grandmom Ann die?
Me: Well baby, she died in her sleep.

Then I got to thinking that I should probably clarify so he isn't afraid of going to sleep for fear of dying.

Me: You know, she was really old, and her body wasn't able to keep going. She'd been sick for a long time and her body just gave up. She went peacefully though, no struggling, and Cousin Paula was with her and holding her hand, so she wasn't alone. She was with people who loved her, and she went to heaven where she joined Great Grandpa Bob and God. She doesn't hurt anymore, and she is happy to be in heaven with them.

Silence.

Jack: I want to say something to God.

I'm thinking, uh oh. Ok, brace yourself, he could say anything.

Me: Ok baby, go ahead.
Jack: Dear God, please help Grandmom Ann to stay in love with you forever.

Dear Lord! This child isn't even 5! Needless to say, I was balling like a baby. I told him that Grandmom Ann and God had a very close relationship even when she was here. When she was healthy that she used to go to church everyday (very strict Catholic), prayed everyday, prayed the rosary at least everyday, and that she really loved God. I told her that I was sure she was so happy to be in heaven with him, and to be reunited with Great Grandpa Bob after so long. I guess he could hear that I was crying (the lights were off as we usually have snuggle time when we wake up before we actually get out of bed and get moving). **As an aside, the "in love" part is something we occassionally say at home. I would never have expected that to come out of his mouth where God is concerned. Jack will ask if I'm in love with him, and I always tell him I'm very much in love with him, and he will say he's in love with me, so it's not a lusty type thing (obviously, he's 4, and my child-hello!) when he says it about Grandmom Ann and God, it's just the overwhelming feeling of love we feel for each other. Don't want people getting the wrong impression.**

Jack: Are you crying Mommy?
Me: Yes.

He put his hands up to my face and was feeling around for the tears. Then he gave me a big hug and lots of kisses.

I am so grateful to have this child in my life. He is the best medicine for a sad heart. How could he not make you smile with his sweetness and thoughtfulness?

My dad should be calling me later today when he gets information about arrangements for my grandmother. If this morning is any indication of how my son is handling this, our trip to CT for her services should be interesting.

26 weeks and Updates

So, today marks 26 weeks for us. Everything seems to be going well. I am still nauseous sometimes, and the heartburn is still an issue, but I'm taking a half-dose (75mg instead of 150mg) of zantac about every 6 hours, and it seems to be helping for the most part. I'm still taking zofran-sometimes it's 2 times a day, sometimes not at all, just depends on the day really.

The newest development started about two weeks ago-braxton hicks (some of which are painful), and heart palpitations. I had both of these issues with Jack as well, the braxton hicks started at 19 weeks with him, and the palpitations at about 20 weeks, so this is occuring later this pregnancy. When I was checked out for the palpitations with Jack, I had to wear a halter monitor for two days, and it showed that I was having brief runs of SVT which is basically where your heart is beating really fast. It makes me feel dizzy and short of breath and lasts for a few minutes. When I check my pulse while it is happening, my heartrate is fast and irregular. It can also be caused by hyperthyroidism which I have, however, I had my labs checked and had an endocrine appointment right as this started this pregnancy, and all of my labs are normal, and my thyroid on ultrasound is "quiet". So, my primary care doc ran electrolytes, thyroid tests again, and checked my hematocrit. My sodium is slightly low (the low norm was 136, mine was 135) so not really low-and besides, I'm supposed to keep my sodium low because of the kidney stone issues. My albumin was slightly low as well, however, I'm not swelling up like crazy either, some edema in my legs at the end of a 12 hour shift, but that's pretty normal I think. My thyroid levels all came back normal. My hematocrit was the only thing a little low and it was 32.6 (normal low is 36). So no real reason as far as I can tell from my labwork. My doc also ordered an event monitor for 2 weeks. I'm not sure how this is different from a halter monitor except maybe I can push a button when I am actually experiencing the palpitations, and I can probably take it off to take a shower which was a "no-no" with the halter monitor. I have to wait for it to come in to actually be able to wear it. I did my glucose test on Friday, and I'm hoping to have the results by my next OB appointment this coming Thursday.

In other news, my grandmother has been in inpatient hospice for two weeks today. My father, my half-sister, and I have been taking turns calling daily to check and see how she is doing. She's had some days where they were shocked at how alert she was (mainly the first two days after her admission), and other days like the last two where she does nothing but sleep, and isn't really arousable for family or staff. The last two days have been bad, and she's not had anything to eat or drink. Tonight, my dad's cousin called to tell him that she was informed that it is only a matter of days that my grandmother has left. I got teary (my father sounded like a mess as one would expect), but I don't think it's really hit me yet, or I've just worked myself to a point where I'm almost ok with it. I've had such conflicting emotions, and I've cried alot over the last two weeks between her, and people seeming to just look at me wrong setting me into tears (I've been a tad hormonal I think). It's just so hard. If you call and get news that she's had a good day-you think, "Great, I'm so glad she's had a good day." But then you think, "Yeah, but if she's really declining, tomorrow might not be so good, and this is just dragging things out." It's hard to know how to feel. It's not like someone who is suddenly and unexpectedly ripped from your life, and the only thing you can think is "I can't believe this is happening. Why? Why did this have to happen?" If you call and it's a bad day, you're thinking, "God, I just hope she's comfortable and not in pain." You're wondering if her fight is almost over. You're wondering if she's going to go that night and be greated by God and her husband in heaven. It's just so damn hard. So I'm teary, but I'm not hysterical. My dad's cousin told us that one of her bad days last week, she told my grandmom that soon she'd be with "Uncle Bob" (to my dad's cousin) again soon. He passed away 18 years ago. I did lose it that night. I was afraid she'd give up and go that night, but I was also hoping maybe it made it easier for her to let go of us here, and just go. Just be at peace. Please just continue to pray for her to be comfortable and to pass peacefully and surrounded by people who love her. **Edited to add-My grandmother passed away later this evening. My dad's cousin was with her and it was peaceful. Thank you for your prayers.

So that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. I have two belly pics to share with you tonight. I had too much going on two Sundays ago to do my 24 week belly pic, and to be honest, I've just been trying to keep my head above water the last two weeks between work, trying to get this house decluttered and more organized, and worrying about a million things to even think about a picture. We kept saying we needed to take it, and finally we didn't drop the ball tonight. The first picture is Jack in his normal excited form. He has moments where he could care less about Charlie (he told me the other day it's boring waiting to feel Charlie move), and moments where he's way too excited. This was one of those moments. The second is more reflective of what the belly really looks like. Enjoy.

Everything Happens for a Reason

We decided we were going to drive up to CT to see my grandmother this past Sunday (yesterday). We as in, myself, Jack, my mom and my dad. Archie couldn't go as it was his weekend to work. I had no idea how much I would wish Archie was there, just to have him with me and comfort me. We knew she didn't have long left, and we wanted to make sure we made it up. Well, we were maybe 45 minutes into our trip, and my dad got a phone call from my stepmom. His cousin had called and said that the nursing staff had found my grandmother on the floor with a fever and were taking her to the hospital. I called his cousin and asked what had happened and which hospital they were taking her to, and told her we'd meet them there, but we didn't expect to be there for another 4 hours. She said she'd keep us updated.

When we got to the hospital, we found out she hadn't fallen. I don't know if my dad's cousin getting woken in the early hours of the morning just left her foggy or if the nursing staff didn't relay correct info, but I'm glad she hadn't fallen. She was, however, running a fever, and she had a cough. They hadn't been able to get a decent chest x-ray, and dad's cousin (she is in charge of my grandmother's care, and is also a nurse, so a good choice) declined to continue to attempt these x-rays and let be what would be. They believe my grandmother aspirated, which for those of you who aren't medically inclined, it means that at some point, she got food or liquid into her lungs instead of all of it going into her stomach. They will not be treating her with antibiotics. Her breathing sounded raspy to me, and her cough was somewhat junky.

My grandmother kept covering her eyes with her hands. We couldn't figure out if this was because she was emotional, wanted the bright lights in the hospital out of her eyes, or if she was in pain. My dad's cousin said she started doing this about two weeks ago, and she thought it was pain, but my grandmother has been more emotional lately. At one point, we saw her cover her eyes, and then she was wiping them, my father was sobbing, and I was balling. Not a pretty sight, it was just a really rough day. While we were at the hospital, the rabbi covering for Pastoral Services came to visit us. My grandmother is a devout Catholic, and received the Sacrament of the Sick back when she had her stroke 3 years ago, but he did say a beautiful prayer. Of course, I couldn't control my own emotions and again, was crying.

My grandmother was taken from the hospital straight to the inpatient hospice center. It is beautiful, and it overlooks the water, and has some really interesting rock formation in the water to look at as well. My grandmother had her eyes closed and appeared to be sleeping most of the time, and I just wished she would be able to enjoy that million dollar view if she had to be in that facility. We met up again at the hospice facility and sat with her while the nurses got her settled. I held her hand while she slept, and each time I took it away (usually to tend to Jack), she would be trying to grasp for something. I would put my hand back and she would settle. It was heartbreaking to say the least to see her like that. To have that be our goodbye and not have her know really that we were there.

But everything happens for a reason. I honestly believe that. If we had gone up last week as I had originally planned (but it was flawed because I was scheduled to work which is why we rescheduled for this past Sunday), we would have felt at a loss to be able to get back up there yesterday to see her. I'm not sure we would have been able to go up again while she was alive given everyone's schedules and tight finances (it's about $200 each time we go up between gas and tolls). Instead we were able to see her in the hospital and make sure she was ok (relatively speaking), we were able to see the new facility she would be in (her 3rd in 3 years if you don't count her stay in the hospital for the stroke), meet the staff, and finally, be able to say our goodbyes.

My dad called today for an update. They said my grandmother's cough seems to have subsided and she seems more alert. But her state of mind comes and goes, we all know that. We had all hoped and prayed yesterday that God wouldn't prolong suffering for her. If she's stopped coughing, I'm glad about that, but she lays in the bed twisted, and curled up, and moans in her sleep. It bothers me that she's more emotional-she probably realizes that either she's not long for this world, or that we're not there. If she goes in the next week or two, we probably won't make it back up for her last moments. I will only get 3 days off for services or bereavement, Archie doesn't get much as it's not his immediate family, nor does my mom. I can't go up to be with her at the end, turn around and come home for a day or two, go back up once she's cremated and they have her memorial mass. It's too much, and I won't have the time. I also have to have someone drive with me (it's a long drive, and my father doesn't drive), and if I thought I could do it without anyone when things are going ok, I know I can't when I'm an emotional wreck (being pregnant doesn't help with this). It bothers me that while she will be surrounded by her sisters, neices and nephews at the end (and don't get me wrong, I'm so glad she will be surrounded by people who love her), she won't be surrounded by the rest of her family-namely her only son, and her grandchildren.

I find myself really depressed about the whole situation. I got home last night, and talking to Archie, telling him about the day (combined with being tired and hungry), crying and upset, only led to me getting sick and throwing up in the kitchen. There's nothing I can do to make things better, or control anything about the situation. I can't make her more comfortable, I can't do anything to help her. I'm 24 weeks pregnant, and I keep reminding myself that while I don't have control over any of this, I do have to take care of myself and this unborn child within me. The last thing I want is to be so stressed that I go into preterm labor. I just don't think any of how I'm feeling is going to get better though until my grandmother passes. It will take time obviously for all of us to grieve, but the grieving process has already started for those of us who will continue to live on this earth after she's gone, and it's just dragging out indefinitely. Maybe my grandmother will go quickly. She's in the best place possible if she doesn't because they will be able to control her pain, make her as comfortable as possible, and they will make sure that she is well cared for. I already thought the nurses who worked with her yesterday were just so sweet with her. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Please just pray for my grandmother to be comfortable, and not to suffer. Pray that when she passes it is peacefully and she's surrounded by those who love her, that she isn't alone. Thanks guys.

22 weeks 6 days and Updates

Just a few things to update. I had my 22 week OB appointment on Thursday. Baby's heartbeat measured 145, and I'm measuring appropriately. I lost a pound. No big deal I don't think yet though. I've yo-yo'd back and forth with this pound for the last 12 weeks. I imagine soon enough I'll start gaining. It's not for lack of eating. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed 2 boxes of Entenmann's Softee's donuts in the last two weeks, and the number of milkshakes I've had. The morning of my OB appointment, I had thrown up the crackers I'd eaten in an attempt to calm my nausea before getting out of bed, and after that, I was throwing up blood. I'm now trying zantac to see if that helps. I'm not sure if the blood was from all of the stress I've had this past week, or if it was just because of the irritation of my stomach, likely from all of the heartburn and reflux I've been experiencing. I'm guessing (and hoping) the latter.

My grandmother isn't doing well. She's more tired, feels cold, and her appetite just isn't great. Hospice home care came to do a referral for her on Wednesday. They did accept her into their program and the plan at this point is for them to visit her weekly (vs. monthly) and when it's appropriate, she will move into their inpatient hospice program. Through this hospice care she is receiving, she will get pastoral services (she's a strict Catholic, so I'm sure she would appreciate this), as well as a nursing assistant who will tend to her. The plan was to go up and see her this Sunday, however, I forgot that because we have a sticky childcare situation this week, my husband took off the nights I was scheduled, and in an effort to keep him from taking off in the middle of his work week, I picked up Sunday night. We would get back in time for me to shower and eat dinner before heading to work, and that's just not safe for anyone. So the plan is to go up next weekend and see her.

In other news, my sister called in the middle of the night on Tuesday night. Her two chihuahuas (8 and 11 years old) were attacked by a boxer and a pit bull, both off leash when she took them out for a potty run. Her dogs were on leash. The other dog owner took off with his dogs instead of staying to help and my sister had to pick up her two beloved dead dogs and carry them back into her apartment by herself. Dallas police claim that dogs are property, and they could only file a property damage report. One of my friends who is an attorney said that if they have a leash law (they do), they likely have a citation to go with it, here in MD it's called "Dog at Large". I think the dog owner should at the very least be charged with that. The problem is that they guy had been moving out of his apartment over a few day period prior to the attacks. I assured my sister that the apartment community would have to have his forwarding contact info on record so that they could return any security deposit. She had reported this guy previously (he used to have two boxers, but now just has the one, and the one boxer had tried to get to her dogs before, but she'd been able to keep them safe) more than once to the apartment community, but obviously nothing was done about it. In my anger, I told her she should take the box with Ben and Stitch to the leasing office, tell them thanks for not enforcing their policies and helping keep all the animals safe, and ask what they could do about it. I just think they have some responsibility in all of this. Then I told her she should call the local news because the police obviously could care less, and the same for the apartment complex, and yet, all she can think about right now is their broken bodies, and how lonely she is without them. Someone should be able to do something. Stitch was attacked last year by another dog (german shepherd I believe) and almost died. He was paralyzed for a time and had alot of brain swelling. My sister promised them then that she would protect them and just feels like she failed them. She is blaming herself, but yet, she was doing the responsible thing with walking them on lead. The other dog owner often took his dogs out off lead, and obviously didn't have control of them.

We don't have any other family members in TX, and so they were her family, she treated them as her children. I am so angry for her. If I could go to Dallas right now and fight this battle with the police and apartment community I would. She is devastated. And that dog owner should be ashamed of himself. My sister has said that when the boxer didn't listen the guy would beat him (sounds like a charmer), and so I imagine that he may have had past issues either with attacks or reports against him or his dogs and that's why he took off. I think Animal Control deserves a call as well. She just can't focus on that right now, she's so sad. She hasn't gotten to the angry part yet.

Please pray for my sister as she copes with the loss of her pups, and please pray for my grandmother that she be as comfortable as possible for however long she has left. Thank you in advance.

21 Week Update

Hello there! I know, I haven't been commenting, but I assure you've I've been reading the blogs I follow religiously, it's just not as easy to comment on my phone. I am going to make an effort to get better at this. It's been a long couple of weeks since I last posted.

We found out from my dad's side of the family that my grandmother is eating now which is great. But she has had the biggest decline they've seen in her since she had her stroke a few years ago which landed her in the nursing home to begin with. At this point, they are keeping her comfortable. Our plan was for all of us to drive up this past Saturday to visit her. However, with the threats being made, and the need to drive through tunnels or over bridges in New York, we decided the safest thing was not to risk taking out our entire immediate family (well almost, my sister is in TX, but it was supposed to be me, my dad, my mom, Archie, and Jack going up). So now we have to figure out when we are going to be able to go back up. I work all this weekend, and Jack starts an acting/singing/dancing class called Broadway Babies this Saturday and it's every Saturday for the next 7 weeks. I guess we'll have to plan on going up on a Sunday, or a weekday (less likely for a weekday as my schedule varies, Archie works and so does my dad). At this point, I just continue to pray for my grandmother, and pray that she knows we want to be there with her, and that we're praying for and thinking about her.

On the baby front, things are going better. We felt the baby move from the outside for the first time last night. Well, Archie and I did. Jack fell asleep with his hand on my belly waiting to feel the baby move on Saturday night. So sweet. I've decided not to worry about this little one's spine. Seriously, it's a fetus, they're supposed to be curled up. I think it's probably completely normal, and from what I can feel of this baby, he's got no problem moving around.

I continue to get IV fluids. It's taking more and more sticks to get access, so there has been some talk about a PICC line, but I measured my urine output over the weekend, and I've talked to both my urologist and OB, and they're both happy with my output at present. I'm eating ice chips and popsicles to boost it when I'm not feeling well enough to take in as much as I normally would in water, and it seems to be helping. My plan is at my OB appointment next week to ask to stop the IV fluids unless I develop a stone.

Not sure if I mentioned it on my last post after my OB appointment, but I was back up to my 10 week pregnancy weight at that appointment. Since I'm eating more frequently, and I have to admit I may have increased my intake of milkshakes (strawberry or chocolate, doesn't matter to me!), so I'm thinking my weight will probably have increased by a couple of pounds by next Thursday-yikes!!! I am also eating good things, it's not all junk. This baby seems to really like grapes and baby carrots, so those have been things I've tried to eat since the thought of salad (and texture after throwing it up once a couple of weeks ago at work) makes my stomach turn. The heartburn continues to be an issue, and TUMS continue to be my go-to for that. The heartburn with Jack didn't start until later in pregnancy than it did with this one, so I'm pretty sure this baby will have a good amount of hair too. I'm not throwing up too often, maybe once a week or so, although I have plenty of times I'm right on the edge and not too sure that I won't throw up. I still take the zofran, sometimes it's every 8 hours on the really bad days, and other days I don't need to take it at all.

I'll end this post with a picture of my belly at 20 weeks.

19 week Baby Update, Hurricane Irene, Grandmom's, and Earthquakes, Oh My!

It's been a few weeks since I posted. Just didn't have much going on really.

I've always wanted to go to California, a friend tried to convince me that San Diego is a great place to live. I could totally deal with the 70 degree temps year round and LOVE it, but they get those pesky wildfires and earthquakes which make me hesitant, not to mention I can only imagine the cost of living out there. I always wondered what it was like to be around when an earthquake strikes. Well, I got a little taste of it the other day. I can't say I was scared since I had no clue at the time that it was an earthquake. The east coast rarely gets them, but this one originated in Virginia (we're in MD), and was felt all the way up into Canada. We had just gone upstairs to take a nap, and had set Jack up at the foot of our bed with his DVD player. The bed started shaking and Archie and I looked at each other and then looked for Chance, our greyhound who had a seizure in the spring, but he wasn't in bed with us, so that couldn't be it. We thought it was our sleep number mattress malfunctioning because we kept hearing "clicking". Archie got out of bed and opened our bedroom door because Chance was crying in the hall. This, the dog who isn't disturbed by ANYTHING. We just kept looking at each other wondering what in the heck was going on. Then my mom called me from work to ask if we'd felt that. Oh! She said there was fire equipment outside of the hospital evacuating other buildings, and that they thought it was an earthquake. I got off the phone with her and found that I couldn't make any calls as cell service was disrupted, but I could get on facebook, and when I did, I saw that everyone else had seemed to feel the earth shake as well. We didn't have any pictures fall off the walls, or anything fall over, it wasn't that big of a deal, just interesting when you've never experienced anything like it. I'll bet our friends in California thought all the hyped up east coast people were pretty funny/ridiculous, but that would be like them getting hit with a tornado. Just not something you experience often.

Then, yesterday we got a little taste of Hurricane Irene. There was alot of damage from fallen trees in our area, and some power outages, but our family and home was unscathed. I had trouble sleeping last night with all of the wind and rain, but I'm happy to say our roof held up, and our sump pump did it's job so we didn't flood out our basement. We were supposed to go to Ocean City overnight last night and head home today, but that was obviously nixed. We got a phone call on Friday from our hotel telling us that they were evacuating everyone. So, no part of a vacation whatsoever this summer, but it is what it is.

Yesterday morning I got a forwarded email from my father, from his cousin who is the power of attorney for my grandmother in CT (he's in MD too). It seems that while we found out a month or so ago that her kidney function is declining (she has a history of kidney disease), and she is continuing to have problems with her blood pressure. Well, in this email, it turns out that on Wednesday when my grandmom went for her hair appointment, during the transfer from her wheelchair she got lightheaded and they helped her to the floor for her safety. Her legs which have been swollen even before her kidney function got worse, are worse yet, and her left leg is red and irritated. They started her on antibiotics. She's refusing to eat, even ice cream (normally a treat for her), and refusing to drink (including her cranberry juice-a favorite). His cousin is going back to check on her, and if she thinks it needs to be done, will ask the doc to reassess and possibly admit her to the hospital. The woman is in her 90's, and I know she won't live forever, but I wish it didn't have to be like this. Isn't a quick and painless death (like in your sleep) better than being sick for a long time, feeling miserable and finally succumbing to the illnesses? I'm just having a hard time even thinking about it.

On Thursday we had our big ultrasound to look at the baby's anatomy and gender. The baby has a 4 chamber heart which I am so happy about, and all of the vessels appear to be where they should be. The brain looked good, as well as the kidneys. Baby appeared to have all of it's fingers and toes, eyes, a nose, and cute little lips. We are having another boy! Jack said, "Oh, I really thought it was going to be a girl!" I explained that I think we all did, but now he'd have someone to play trains and cars with, and he has so much to teach his little brother about all of those things! He seemed ok with it after that.


The only thing that has me concerned about this ultrasound is that the baby wouldn't straighten out so they could make sure his spine wasn't curved. He was balled up and not very cooperative, and while they didn't see any major anomalies like spina bifida or anything like that, I'm worried. I'm worried that he didn't stretch out because he couldn't stretch out physically, maybe his spine won't allow him to do it. Which could lead to problems with his developing lungs. I'm sure everything is fine, but I may ask my OB if we could just take another look for my piece of mind, just of his spine. We'll see what she says. It's not like they could do anything about it in utero anyway, but I'd like to know what we're dealing with either way. The baby measured 19 weeks and 3 days, and my ultrasound was at 18 weeks and 4 days. I'm a little worried he'll be huge. I think Jack at 6 pounds 12 ounces did enough damage, I'd hate to think of what a bigger baby would do to me! I did ask my OB (knowing that my glucose test isn't until late October) if I needed to be worried about anything like gestational diabetes, and she said I'm not spilling glucose or ketones in my urine, so at this point she thinks we're ok for that. She said there can be up to a 10% error on the estimated size of the baby by ultrasound. Then she told me that her first baby was 6 pounds, her second was 8, and that by far, the 8 pound baby was so much easier on her body. That was reassuring. The ultrasound tech had said that they would probably do another ultrasound around 35-36 weeks to check the size of the baby prior to delivery, and that this is pretty standard now. That was news to me. The ultrasound I had with Jack at 19 weeks, was my last, they never checked for size and that was only 4 and a half years ago. I'll take it though.

I'm sure I'm worried over nothing, and I'm just not going to have two really easy, cooperative, flexible babies (my luck just isn't like that, and I got really lucky the first time with the whole easy baby bit), but I can't help but think about my little guy's ultrasound and that darn spine. We'll see what my OB says.

12 weeks 5 days

Not much new here. I stopped my progesterone and del estrogen shots, spotting started before they were ever stopped, and it's been off and on, but nothing to worry about. If I can make it through the rest of the day, then the last time I threw up would be a week ago-YAY! I'm still nauseous, but it tends to be worse in the afternoons/evenings than any other time of day. I am taking the zofran whenever I start to feel "off" and most of the time, it at least takes the edge off.

This week I worked Totswap which is a huge kids consignment sale in our area. It goes to 3 locations, and I have worked 2 of the 3 this year so far, the other one I won't do because it's too far away and just not convenient for me. When you volunteer, you get earn a higher rate on the comission of your items you sell. So I usually volunteer for two 4 hour shifts to earn the higher rate. You're supposed to cancel your shift 24 hours prior to the start of the sale setup if you're going to cancel on them. So the night before-no joke, 11:15pm, I get an email from the organizers saying that they had just found out that the location for the sale this time didnt have any air conditioning. Are you kidding me? We were in the middle a heat wave earlier this week!!! And I'm already on IV fluids. I talked to the nurse who came to start my IV Wednesday morning, and he suggested I call my doc and ask them to order me an extra bag of fluids for this week since I'd pretty much be replacing what I was already losing through sweat and the heat. My OB did it, but also thought I probably shouldn't do the sale. She's right, I shouldn't have, but it was too late for me to cancel. I made it through the day fine with some really lame looking neck coolties (hey, it worked) that you soak in ice water and they plump up and keep you cool for about a half hour. I drank 2 liters of fluid in the 4 hours that I was there on Wednesday and never went to the bathroom until 2 hours after my shift was over, so I guess I was just replacing what I'd lost. I didn't feel too bad though, and I tanked up with fluids when I got home. I did the sale again yesterday and while it was still really warm in the building (about 5 degrees cooler than the day before), I didn't use the neck ties, I drank 2 liters of fluid, and I went to the bathroom twice while I was there, so I think my fluid status was pretty good. I gave myself more IV fluids last night and again today. Back to the normal routine next week.

As far as this pregnancy there are some similarities and yet some differences from my pregnancy with Jack. The smell of just about anything cooking, but particularly meat cooking still turns my stomach which was the same as my first pregnancy. My sense of smell is definitely in overdrive, and I don't remember it being like this with Jack. I mean, yes, smells bothered me with him, but I smell things now and am instantly gagging.I am definitely not as sick as I was with him which is great (throwing up 5 or 6 times a day was really overkill). I remember very early in my pregnancy with him, Taco Bell was the only thing that worked to tide my nausea over for a little while. That lasted until about 8 week and then nothing was appetizing and I couldn't even walk through a grocery store to go shopping with Archie without embarassing myself. I craved nothing else through my pregnancy with him except for sleep-it was the only time I felt decent. With this baby, for about a week, I craved Triscuits and squeeze cheese (I know), and ice cream has been a constant craving for me, but I'm careful not to overdo it. I will admit that in the beginning, I visited a local ice cream shop on an almost daily basis for ice cream. Now I haven't been there for about 3 weeks to a month, and I'm doing just fine :) I crave Fruity Pebbles and Fruit Loops for breakfast. I can tell you that I CANNOT tolerate spaghetti sauce or tomatoes. It's the strangest thing because a few weeks ago I could, and I loved tomatoes on my salad, and then the other day, it all came back up. Won't make that mistake again! I'm loving cantaloupe, grapes, and baby carrots. And this is completely random, but I noticed it on July 4th when I HAD TO HAVE IT, my favorite snowball flavor is usually Rootbeer, but all I want now is Skylite snowballs (which I usually do not much care for). Matter of fact, that snowball/ice cream place is close to the library where I have a book on hold to pick up, and I'm thinking it sounds mighty delicious!

I had an endocrinology appointment for my thyroid earlier this week. I was excited to go and be weighed (I know, goofy isn't it?) since I figured it would be a pretty consistent scale. I forgot my doc switched offices, but this is a brand new scale and it matches what my scale at home does, so total, I'm down 3 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm still up 9 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight with Jack, but hey. But, I'm starting to be able to eat more than one meal a day now, so I expect my weight to go back up soon. My thyroid was quiet, and he said essentially I am showing no signs of Grave's disease right now, so that's great. He did say that my TSH was a little low, but that's totally normal for even pregnant women without thyroid problems. I have to get labs done again in about a month, and my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks. He said I will probably be able to come off of my medication at that point, and I will still have to be closely monitored (even more so after delivery where he said things can get really wonky), but I will be able to be off of the medication.

I was due for an appointment with my urologist this morning, but his secretary called me this morning to cancel as he had a death in the family last night. I am rescheduled to see him next Friday morning.

Next Saturday, Archie, Jack, myself and my father are going to make the 11 hours in one day trip to visit my Grandmother for an hour. This is the one I have written about before who has really bad dementia. Last time I saw her was November, and she thought I was her neice and that my Grandfather was alive (he's been dead for 18 years). It was a really hard visit as this was the worst we'd seen her mentally. Her kidney disease is getting worse, but she's not at the point where they would think about dialysis (if she was healthy, she's not and would never be a candidate at 92 years old, but even if she was healthy, she's not that far yet to be considered from what I can gather). Every time I go up, I wonder if it will be the last time we'll see her, and it makes it really hard when I can tell she's slipping further and further away. I'm looking forward to seeing her, but not at the same time if that makes any sense.

We forgot to take a belly pic at 12 weeks, so we took one today. I will tell you that while I look pretty pregnant, most of the top part of my belly is just fat (I thought I looked pregnant before I ever really was), and whatever has been pushed out of the way and up by my growing uterus. The lower part of my belly is mostly baby with at least a layer of fat over it, LOL. My uterus is about an inch below my belly button which has me a little worried that either this kid is going to be really big, that I might have gestational diabetes (with Jack, I failed the first test and was sure I'd fail the second but didn't), or that I might have polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid). I know, I'm a little paranoid being an NICU nurse, I can't help it. I also know that your uterus gets bigger quicker with subsequent pregnancies, so maybe that's it, but I still can't help but wonder if this is normal. With Jack I wasn't up to my belly button until 20 weeks and that was normal, and now I'm 2cm below it, that's normal for an 18 week pregnant woman!!! And yes, I'm sure there is just one in there :)

Drained

I just feel emotionally drained. Jack asked me in church the other day while I was holding him, "Mommy, are you sad that you don't have any babies?" Such a sweet boy. I told him that I was a little, but I was VERY glad that I had him. Thank God for that sweet little boy.

My mom is right, this is a loss no matter what others say. I HAD 2 babies in my belly that had been growing and developing as they should, but for whatever reason, they didn't stick around. I don't think of it as a miscarriage because they never stuck, but they were there. That said, I've chosen to move on. In cleaning out my van this past weekend, I threw out the pictures I had of where they were put in my uterus. Why keep them? It's not that I don't want to remember this cycle (seriously, how could I forget?), but it's not like in a few years I can show that picture to my child/children and say, that's the day you were put back in my tummy. I have those pictures for Jack, of the two embryos we put back, one of which was him, and of the sono pic where we see where the embryos were put on day of transfer. But with no children to show this picture to, why keep it? To be honest, I didn't feel bad throwing it out either. I'm done with that cycle. I'm ready for the next. Which is why I am so frustrated...

I spoke with our financial coordinator at our clinic yesterday. A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $4000, not including meds. I THINK we may have that left in our insurance cap, however, the lady I spoke to at the insurance company today was even less helpful than her counterpart on Friday and wouldn't go through and give me amounts that are pending. She told me I can call back in 10-12 days to see what's been processed. I called our financial coordinator again today to ask when our copay for the cycle would be due, and it will be due 10 days prior to starting any fertility drugs. My nurse called me yesterday and told me that if we wanted to do this cycle, Dr. M could start me on BCP's Thursday after our follow up. I have no idea when any fertility drugs would actually start, and he was pretty hazy on any meds when I spoke with him on Friday, so I'm hoping to get a clearer answer on Thursday about that so I can decide if starting pills this cycle is even worth it. If we have at least 10-12 days before any fertility drugs would start, then I guess we will start on BCP's. Worst case scenario, we find out that we don't have enough between insurance and our savings for this cycle right now and I stop the pills and we wait. We waited 7 months to be able to do our first IVF cycle, and we got Jack. We waited 2 years to do our second IVF cycle which was a bust. We waited 7 months for this third IVF cycle which at least gave us 4 embryos to save for later. And waiting for a FET sure won't kill us after all the previous waits, right?

I just wish I had answers. Or that our clinic had someone who could say, we billed this amount to your insurance company, they're processing it, and so you will have AT LEAST this amount left for whatever treatment you decide to do. Ugh.

I think God is trying to teach me patience. It sure isn't a trait I was blessed with, so I need to learn it. I'm working on it God, I am. Thanks for keeping me on track.

If all of this isn't draining enough combined with my frustrations in my professional life, I'm going to visit my grandmother this weekend. I'm driving up with my dad, and it's going to be like 11 to 12 hours probably roundtrip. We only stay about an hour because I think it's hard on us to have the same conversation about 15 times in that hour, and I can only imagine that it's hard for my grandmother when she isn't even sure who we are, or at least who I am. She thought I was her neice last time, and she thought my grandfather was still alive. That was really hard to take. I just feel beaten down emotionally, and I'm trying to amp myself up to get through this weekend without getting torn up too much more in this fight called life.