Drained

I just feel emotionally drained. Jack asked me in church the other day while I was holding him, "Mommy, are you sad that you don't have any babies?" Such a sweet boy. I told him that I was a little, but I was VERY glad that I had him. Thank God for that sweet little boy.

My mom is right, this is a loss no matter what others say. I HAD 2 babies in my belly that had been growing and developing as they should, but for whatever reason, they didn't stick around. I don't think of it as a miscarriage because they never stuck, but they were there. That said, I've chosen to move on. In cleaning out my van this past weekend, I threw out the pictures I had of where they were put in my uterus. Why keep them? It's not that I don't want to remember this cycle (seriously, how could I forget?), but it's not like in a few years I can show that picture to my child/children and say, that's the day you were put back in my tummy. I have those pictures for Jack, of the two embryos we put back, one of which was him, and of the sono pic where we see where the embryos were put on day of transfer. But with no children to show this picture to, why keep it? To be honest, I didn't feel bad throwing it out either. I'm done with that cycle. I'm ready for the next. Which is why I am so frustrated...

I spoke with our financial coordinator at our clinic yesterday. A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $4000, not including meds. I THINK we may have that left in our insurance cap, however, the lady I spoke to at the insurance company today was even less helpful than her counterpart on Friday and wouldn't go through and give me amounts that are pending. She told me I can call back in 10-12 days to see what's been processed. I called our financial coordinator again today to ask when our copay for the cycle would be due, and it will be due 10 days prior to starting any fertility drugs. My nurse called me yesterday and told me that if we wanted to do this cycle, Dr. M could start me on BCP's Thursday after our follow up. I have no idea when any fertility drugs would actually start, and he was pretty hazy on any meds when I spoke with him on Friday, so I'm hoping to get a clearer answer on Thursday about that so I can decide if starting pills this cycle is even worth it. If we have at least 10-12 days before any fertility drugs would start, then I guess we will start on BCP's. Worst case scenario, we find out that we don't have enough between insurance and our savings for this cycle right now and I stop the pills and we wait. We waited 7 months to be able to do our first IVF cycle, and we got Jack. We waited 2 years to do our second IVF cycle which was a bust. We waited 7 months for this third IVF cycle which at least gave us 4 embryos to save for later. And waiting for a FET sure won't kill us after all the previous waits, right?

I just wish I had answers. Or that our clinic had someone who could say, we billed this amount to your insurance company, they're processing it, and so you will have AT LEAST this amount left for whatever treatment you decide to do. Ugh.

I think God is trying to teach me patience. It sure isn't a trait I was blessed with, so I need to learn it. I'm working on it God, I am. Thanks for keeping me on track.

If all of this isn't draining enough combined with my frustrations in my professional life, I'm going to visit my grandmother this weekend. I'm driving up with my dad, and it's going to be like 11 to 12 hours probably roundtrip. We only stay about an hour because I think it's hard on us to have the same conversation about 15 times in that hour, and I can only imagine that it's hard for my grandmother when she isn't even sure who we are, or at least who I am. She thought I was her neice last time, and she thought my grandfather was still alive. That was really hard to take. I just feel beaten down emotionally, and I'm trying to amp myself up to get through this weekend without getting torn up too much more in this fight called life.