This blog is meant to be like a journal of our infertility journey, and about growing our family. My views may not be the same as everyone's, and my feelings are expressed in this blog without filters. The feelings and things that come along with infertility aren't fun, they're not pretty and sometimes they're downright ugly. That said, it is not my intention to offend anyone.
I talked to my hubby today when I got home, sort of, before I passed out from exhaustion, and the agreement we came to is that we will pay off half of the credit cards, and then reconsider our plan for testing for IUI. I can handle this. And, the best news...I am doing overtime tonight! The not so good news is that I am so tired, and it means that I am working 4 nights in a row, limiting time with my boys. I think I can, I think I can... :)
So I have to admit something. I am really irritated and just have to spill it. This blog is not private, I know that. I know that my family and friends read it. Sometimes I censor what I say for whatever reason, whether it be not to hurt someone, not to have all of our business hanging out there, or just because the thoughts in my head are not ones that I should, could, or need to share. Heck, sometimes I don't share because I know that certain people read it and I don't want to hear what they have to say. Ha! The joke is on me, because there are some people in everyone's life who will tell you things you don't want to hear. They are brave, and they know you well, and well, that person in my life is my mom. I love her, but sometimes I don't want to hear what she has to say. She knows it, believe me, it's nothing new.
We didn't just start talking about finances. My mother saw my blog post where I had mentioned we were going to try IUI if our RE was ok with it after testing, etc. I got an email from her with her unsolicited opinion (hi mom!, I know, you wouldn't be doing your job as a mom if you didn't tell me...I sort of appreciate that...SORT OF) about getting my house in order, finances in order, etc., and thinking that my husband would back me up and say, "why does she have to butt in?" showed him the email instead of keeping it to myself. This is where it all started. He said to me, "She's right." Damnit. Don't you think I know she is right? That is NOT the point. The point is, I want another baby, you want another baby, Jack wants a "baby sister", and according to Dr. M, my egg quality had greatly declined in the 3 years between our first IVF cycle and our last. I don't care if she is right!!!!!!!!!
I love my mother, she is one of my confidantes and best friends. I did not take her email the wrong way, I know she is trying to help and keep me out of trouble in more ways than one, but I am not dealing well with this. The plan to pay off our credit cards is great in theory, but I haven't gotten an agency shift in over a month, and haven't gotten overtime from work in over 3 weeks. I admit that it is a smart move. Our house is 23 years old and our heat pump is original, my husband's car isn't going to last much longer, etc. But, where is the money to pay off the stupid credit cards supposed to come from??!?!? I am frustrated, I am looking into doing phone triage for pediatricians from home, but still waiting for more info on that, and in the meantime, I continue to look for shifts to pick up. Archie talks about getting a second job, but doing what? And making what? Minimum wage? What's the point? He'd have to work so many hours to make it worth it, and then what happens to family time or time for him to sleep? I even picked up an application for Gymboree the other day, and let's be real, they pay minimum wage, and to be honest, they would be getting their money back because I would have to buy all the cute stuff for Jack. So really, no point.
What are the chances that an IUI would work? Who the hell knows, but I know that IVF was our best chance to get pregnant again. It isn't IVF. I also know that we could do 4 cycles and have every last one not work, and then we're in no better position than we are right this minute financially. We're also in no worse position. If it works, well, that would be great news, but financially it might be harder if I'm sick like I was with Jack because the overtime might be really hard to do. Or it could be easier if I'm getting IV fluids. Who knows. I just know that I'm not even 30 yet, my eggs are crap, and let's be honest, I want what I want and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my eggs.
That is my confession. My nice little ICLW post made it sound like it's a great plan, I've got it all together, etc., but I'm not handling it quite as pretty as that. I'm not happy about it, I can't find a solution, and I'm driving myself (and in a few hours, my husband when he gets home from work) crazy. I need help!!!!
Hi to my fellow ICLWer's!!! For our back history, please see here.
Since then, a few things have changed. We found out that through the merger with the other fertility clinic, it would cost us about $5K out of pocket for another IVF cycle. We were hoping to have that back with taxes, but we had to repair our roof and pay off some debt, so no money left there.
Our SA was better when we did our last cycle (March 2009), and I began to question whether it would be possible to do an IUI cycle, given the MFI, and only one patent tube. We did get the ok from my urologist to go forward with trying to get pregnant again. We called the RE and asked if he'd be willing to consider an IUI, he would, but wants to get another SA, bloodwork, and another HSG on me before we make any firm decisions. I had started taking royal jelly, bee propolis, pollen, and honey, and had ordered FertilAid for Men for my husband to begin figuring it takes a couple of months for that to really work.
Then we began discussing finances again, and with not much in savings, if something went up with the house or car, we'd be in trouble. So, once again, our plan is on hold while we pay off our credit cards. My hope is that we'll be able to get the extra shifts we need to be able to get this done within a few months. In the meantime, I will continue to take my bee supplements, and Archie will start on his fertility stuff, and when we're close to paying off the credit cards, I will make our follow up appointment with our RE and hopefully at that point, things will fall into place perfectly...however, given our record, I'd say something else is bound to come up.
I heard back today from the IF nurse coordinator. She said that our fertility specialist will consider doing IUI if the numbers are right. Well, if it is in our control they will be. I started on Royal Jelly, Bee Pollen, Honey, and bee propolis tonight, and ordered Fertilaid for Men for Archie which he will start as soon as it arrives. The bee products are shown to be helpful with immune system support, egg quality (perfect since mine is ever declining), anti-inflammatory properties, and anti-viral properties. Fertilaid for Men has been shown to increase sperm count, morphology and motility. It's loaded with things that have been proven to help sperm like zinc, and other minerals.
The IF nurse told me that we would need to schedule a follow up with our RE, and get the regular bloodwork done (FSH, LH for both of us, estrogen, progesterone, etc for me), and that then we could schedule another semen analysis, and I would probably need another HSG since it's been about a year. The Fertilaid takes about 2-3 months for optimal results because sperm production takes about that long. So, my plan is to make the appointment after Archie has been on the Fertilaid for about a month. Hopefully the appointment we get will be about a few weeks after that. Then by the time he schedules his testing, he should be right around the 2 month mark of taking the supplements. We can go from there.
Hopefully things will look better for both of us, and our doctor will give us the go ahead to try IUI a few times. With any luck, we'll get pregnant.
I HATE commercials. HATE THEM. So does my husband. We dislike them so much that we will actually watch other shows we've recorded while one that we want to see is recording rather than watch it right then, and have to suffer through commercials. That is the beauty of a DVR. Fast forward. I love that!
Anyway, the only commercials I do make a habit to watch are the ones during Super Bowl. The advertisers spend tons of money to have their commercials seen during one of the biggest tv events every year, and the best ones are funny.
Which brings me to my vote for the Super Bowl commercial I liked best this year...
And my runner up vote would be for this other Doritos commercial...
We are big animal lovers in our family. We have a greyhound, and we just got Jack a beta fish which he has named "Nemo" despite the fact that our "Nemo" is not a clown fish. Jack has always been very attracted to fish and birds and I honestly believe this comes from my in-laws love of those two things. We always had dogs in our house growing up. We love them, and all different breeds, we're not picky. There are some things we do with our pets, to our pets, and I often wonder what those animals would do, think or say if they had the ability to do so. This guy was just stupid. Why try to torture that poor pup making him "speak" so you can watch him get shocked?!?!? He so deserved what he got!!! That is why the first commercial is my favorite this year.
The second commercial is just funny. Guy shows up for a date with a good looking girl, she's got a kid. Guy meets kid. Probably thought he'd find some common ground, get a good vibe going with the kid, make the kid like him. Evidently this kid never learned how to share. Not his doritos and for sure, he's protective of his mom. Just a funny commercial and I never saw it coming, so it gets my vote for runner up because of the shock factor, the humor, and the boy who loves his food and his momma.
Ugh. I was doing so well on the whole "not worried about doing another cycle right now" bit. I was so proud of myself, really. I know that sounds, well, stupid, but when you've had trouble getting pregnant and you really want it, and you find yourself green with envy when others are pregnant around you...well, you'd be proud of yourself for not feeling that yucky jealous feeling too. And you know what else, I felt at peace for the most part when I was not too worried about it.
I actually thought that I might be getting to a place where I was ok with being "done". The last few weeks dealing with the probability of what our taxes were going to look like made that reality set in a little bit more, at least for this year. Then I had to go to that follow up appointment with my urologist and start talking to him, get good results, and be told that as far as my labs were concerned, we had the green light to do another IVF cycle. He told me again about adopting his daughter (I think he forgot that he told me that to begin with earlier this year), and I began to vocalize the thoughts I'd been pondering regarding IUI. Evidently that was all it took to get this roller coaster of emotions stirred up again.
I really was doing quite well until I got onto a blog and began to read other people's blogs that were linked. I had checked this particular blog a few months ago, and had wished this person luck on their IF journey. This person is pregnant now. No biggie. But she's super pregnant with multiples and sometimes things are just too much to read. We have to know every little symptom, and this person goes so in depth, and granted, I know they are excited. Trust me, I get that. But can't you just say what you want to say without going over the top? It's funny, I have a friend who is pregnant, but when she was trying, it used to kill her to read friend's statuses on Facebook where all they talked about was their pregnancy. I sympathized, but none of my friends on Facebook are that over the top. And then I stumble onto this blog, and immediately I think of my friend and I can so identify. I will be banning myself from reading this person's blog for a while, for my own mental health. Matter of fact, maybe I'll just stick to my regular blogs so I can't stumble upon any more ones that make me touchy... :)
Well, we filed our taxes. We will not have enough this year to do more than fix our roof. I have to say that I wasn't too bothered by this at first. I think the biggest reason was because in all honesty, I still had my urologist that I had to see to hear that I probably hadn't gotten my urine sodium levels low enough for him to give us the go ahead anyway.
I had my urology appoinment yesterday. Not only was my sodium level lower, but so were all of my other levels. What does this mean? This means that my body should be letting go of cystine more easily and mean less possibility of the kidney stones from it. Very important, especially in case I was to get pregnant and be as sick as I was with Jack.
This is great news, don't get me wrong, but it's also ironic. Of course, the levels couldn't be great and we could have the money for an IVF cycle. I realize that this is something we can't have control over, and that ultimately God has a bigger plan for us, it's just disappointing.
I spoke with my urologist and told him that I've been faithfully praying for another child, and for God to show us another way to complete our family. I asked if I could go off of the Thiola while we are trying to conceive naturally. He said that was fine so long as I continue to keep my sodium intake low and my fluid intake high. He said it's better for me to go off of that medication now because by the time I would find out I was pregnant it would be too late anyway, and any damage would have been done. This is NOT a drug you want to mix with pregnancy. So, I'm off of it.
I've also given thought to another idea. I'm not sure if it's one that our fertility doctor would agree to or not, but I do think it's worth discussing. When we did our last IVF cycle, he said that my husband's sperm count, motility, etc. had all come back better. As a matter of fact, the count had gone from 3 mil at our first IVF cycle to 9 mil this cycle. We have no idea why it improved, but we're happy with it. That said, I was wondering if it was good enough to try intrauterine insemination (IUI). The reason IUI was not an option for us the first time around is because the count, morphology, and motility were all poor. It was because of those reasons that we were fast tracked to IVF with ICSI. I googled it (yes, I am aware you cannot believe everything you read online), and don't like to do IUI's with less than 5 million, and prefer it to be 10 million-ish. Granted, I'm not sure how much improved things like the morphology and motility were, but if they were better, and could continue to improve, I wonder if IUI could be an option for us. There is the issue of my one patent fallopian tube, but I also googled that, and there are people out there who have gotten pregnant with just one tube.
I called our infertility nurse coordinator and left a message asking if this could be a possibility and one that our doctor would be willing to discuss with us. I'm waiting for a call back. I've already bought royal jelly with bee pollen for me to try to boost my egg quality, and I'm seriously debating getting some Fertili-Aid for Archie to try. IUI is covered by our insurance with only a $100 copay each time, and up to 4 cycles. I won't bother doing it if our physician doesn't think it will work, but I feel like we need to do something. We already know that he told us with our last cycle that my egg quality had greatly declined in just 3 years, and I'm not even 30 yet (later this year)!!! It scares me. We can't keep praying and hoping for something to happen and not investigate this option. He may think we're crazy and tell us it's not going to make a difference, and that is fine, but I have to at least ask.
I'll post an update when I've heard back from the infertility people!! In the meantime, if you pray, could you please pray for patience, and perhaps a miracle for us? Thank you!