FET Dates Update

I spoke with my nurse the other day regarding when they expect I will start on "fertility drugs" since my copay will be due 10 days prior. As it turns out, my estimation of date for transfer is incorrect. It will be later. More of a wait (God is now testing my patience to see how that is developing).

According to my nurse, here is my tentative plan. Take the BCP's for a little over 3 weeks with the last pill being around April 10th. My baseline appointment will be around the 14th or 15th. My last appointment should be April 28th-ish. And transfer is tentatively scheduled for May 6th. I'm actually not upset with the date being pushed back. The reason for that is because I work literally almost every single weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun), either all of it, or part of it. This means it's not exactly ideal to find a switch, or to have the whole weekend for "bedrest" with my butt up on a pillow hoping one or both of those embryos will implant.

I'm scheduled to work May 6th, but currently working on finding a switch, and I'm scheduled off that weekend. I think we'll be renting alot of movies.

Of course, I've been on the pill for a week now and I hate it. I'm trying to be good and at least keep from gaining a few more pounds with all of the drugs and emotions, however, the stinking pill makes me so hungry. I'm loading up on fruits, and veggies, but I have to really be careful because the other day I sat down with a bag of cheese curls and before I knew it, 3/4 of the bag was gone. I can't do that or I'll be as big as a house by the time I'm done. I can't wait to be off the pill and onto the next step (aka shot)!

ICLW March 2011

Happy ICLW!!! If this is your first time stumbling upon my little place in web space, welcome! I'm a 30 year old NICU nurse, and mom to a 4-year-old piece of work! DH is 34. We suffer from MFI, endometriosis, and hydrosalpinx (removed in Nov). Our little boy was the most awesome result of our first cycle. Briefly after IVF #2 we explored adoption (and were getting ready to do our homestudy) until our insurance changed and we were given the gift of another IVF cycle covered by them. If you checked us out last month then you might remember that we were in the middle of IVF #3. The update on that is that we had a BFN (Big Fat Negative) on 3/11. We believe we have enough left in our savings and insurance cap combined to do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) this year. We are moving right into that, and I'm currently on birth control pills to get me ready for this. By next ICLW, I should have had my transfer!

For a little overview of our blog and where to look if you want to know about something specifically, we started the blog with the adoption adventure back in May 2009. Insurance changed July 2010, hydrosalpinx issues and info start around October 2010, and IVF consults start about the same time. I hope some of you will stick around and follow us on our journey to complete our family. :)

Follow-Up

First, I want to tell you that I spoke with my insurance company (I'm persistent aren't I?) and this lady today told me that everything has been paid or is in payment pending status which she verified with her supervisor meant that it was already counted toward our cap. I'm not sure I really believe this with the payment pending status ones because the amount she said we have used toward our cap is the same as it was this past Friday, and yet, this past Friday those things hadn't even been processed yet, bills had just been received. So, I'm thinking they will need to add that ~$3000 to our total so far, BUT, we will still have enough for this FET!!!!

I asked Dr. M today how our embryos were frozen. I knew they were vitrified, but I didn't realize until I was looking at some forums the other night that sometimes multiple ones are frozen together in "straws" and that means that sometimes you can "waste" embryos because the straw is thawed and you can't just take a few out of them. Luckily for me, mine were thawed one per straw, so there will be no wasting of these snowbabies.

I hadn't even considered it until one of my coworker's/friends asked me last night how they would know that the embryos were viable if they were freezing them the same day of transfer and they therefore wouldn't be able to show a progress in development. I thought about that and told her that was a really good question. So I asked Dr. M about it today and he said that they contract when frozen, and when they thaw and survive, they go back to their normal shape pre-freezing. If they don't survive the thaw, they stay all contracted up.

One thing that made me feel more optimistic about the embryos we have frozen was our discussion about how things used to be frozen (eggs, embryos, etc) and how they are now with our clinic (vitrification). Basically with vitrification it is a fast freeze, they put them in this liquid and freeze them with liquid nitrogen and store them. With the other way it took longer to freeze and they had less surviving thaw. Dr. M also told us that they are going to stop doing fresh egg donations because the success isn't nearly as good as it is with ones they have frozen and then try to fertilize. This makes me think maybe these guys will do ok. I also have a friend who has ONLY gotten pregnant on her FET cycles, she never got pregnant on her fresh cycles. Lord, I hope this works.

I am starting BCP's tonight. I asked about our protocol because I ovulated on BOTH BCP's and lupron before our last cycle and I wasn't sure if that happened if it would be a problem. He said we would just keep going. He came back to me a few minutes later and told me that he wasn't going to put me on lupron at all, so I'll just be on BCP's for about 3 weeks, then I'll have bloodwork done to make sure I didn't ovulate on it, and if everything looks ok, I'll start on estrogen shots IM every 3 days that Archie will give me. They will look at my uterine lining and make sure it is where it should be (Dr. M doesn't anticipate any issues here as I've never had issues with it before). Then my transfer date will likely be on a Friday (I'm thinking based on what they told me probably 4/22), they'll put back two if two survive the thaw, and then we'll have our pregnancy test (I forgot to ask how long after the transfer). It does sound like alot less monitoring and appointments which will be nice.

Hopefully if I can get in with a therapist and increase my acupuncture appointments to twice a week, my stress levels won't be too bad and we can get this done. I asked Dr. M if the recommendations for bedrest are the same for FET as they are for IVF and they are. HOWEVER, I am going to be off at least that night of transfer and the following night, and I am going to lay with a pillow under my butt, and I better be healthy with no low grade fevers or coughs this time! I will not drink caffeinated tea, I will not use my heating pad (except in an emergency on LOW heat). One of my former patients/friends said that for her last IVF cycle (successful) the only things she changed are that she drank whole milk and green tea. I HATE green tea, but I will choke it down (the decaf version) if it means I may get pregnant. I don't mind whole milk at all, I can add chocolate syrup and be fine. I also plan on eating pineapple starting the few days before our transfer and until our test. I'm not sure that that will really help, but I've heard people swear by it, and so I'm going to do it. One of the girls on one of the forums I follow also posted an article about IVF and Vitamin D, and while I know that my level was low, I also know that I wasn't considered deficient in December. Archie was and so we have Vit. D in the house now, and I will begin taking that as well, just in case.

I know it may sound crazy that I'm saying this, but I'm excited to start this next cycle. I've been so down the last few days, just really teary, and today has been a good day. I even wore my big girl panties and didn't cry with Dr. M today (although Archie said I almost did, but I pulled up the panties and kept it together). I will say that I am scared as well, go figure. I will not count on any of the "symptoms" I had this time as signs of pregnancy because they were obviously signs of the fertility drugs working, and my stress levels. I hate to be that way and feel like I won't let the symptoms make me hopeful during the two week wait, but they gave me hope this last time for no reason. I will hope that it happens, and I will pray that it results in a pregnancy, but I won't let my symptoms convince me that I am.

Follow Up Tomorrow

I totally dread my follow-up appointment tomorrow. I just feel like I have no energy left to deal with this. I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks for a routine follow-up, and I am going to ask for a referral for a therapist who specializes in these types of things. I feel like even if I don't think I need it now, if this next FET fails or gets cancelled, I'd better have someone ready for me to go see and talk to about this who can help me adequately process it. Archie doesn't talk much about it, although sometimes when he holds me or looks at me, I sense his pain too.

I have a list of about a million questions to bombard Dr. M with tomorrow. I'm sure I'm not the first to come in with a laundry list of things to ask, and I'm sure I won't be the last. I imagine most other infertiles are just as neurotic as I am, and are full of questions about "why", "what's next", "what should we expect?".

Wish us luck!

Drained

I just feel emotionally drained. Jack asked me in church the other day while I was holding him, "Mommy, are you sad that you don't have any babies?" Such a sweet boy. I told him that I was a little, but I was VERY glad that I had him. Thank God for that sweet little boy.

My mom is right, this is a loss no matter what others say. I HAD 2 babies in my belly that had been growing and developing as they should, but for whatever reason, they didn't stick around. I don't think of it as a miscarriage because they never stuck, but they were there. That said, I've chosen to move on. In cleaning out my van this past weekend, I threw out the pictures I had of where they were put in my uterus. Why keep them? It's not that I don't want to remember this cycle (seriously, how could I forget?), but it's not like in a few years I can show that picture to my child/children and say, that's the day you were put back in my tummy. I have those pictures for Jack, of the two embryos we put back, one of which was him, and of the sono pic where we see where the embryos were put on day of transfer. But with no children to show this picture to, why keep it? To be honest, I didn't feel bad throwing it out either. I'm done with that cycle. I'm ready for the next. Which is why I am so frustrated...

I spoke with our financial coordinator at our clinic yesterday. A frozen embryo transfer (FET) is $4000, not including meds. I THINK we may have that left in our insurance cap, however, the lady I spoke to at the insurance company today was even less helpful than her counterpart on Friday and wouldn't go through and give me amounts that are pending. She told me I can call back in 10-12 days to see what's been processed. I called our financial coordinator again today to ask when our copay for the cycle would be due, and it will be due 10 days prior to starting any fertility drugs. My nurse called me yesterday and told me that if we wanted to do this cycle, Dr. M could start me on BCP's Thursday after our follow up. I have no idea when any fertility drugs would actually start, and he was pretty hazy on any meds when I spoke with him on Friday, so I'm hoping to get a clearer answer on Thursday about that so I can decide if starting pills this cycle is even worth it. If we have at least 10-12 days before any fertility drugs would start, then I guess we will start on BCP's. Worst case scenario, we find out that we don't have enough between insurance and our savings for this cycle right now and I stop the pills and we wait. We waited 7 months to be able to do our first IVF cycle, and we got Jack. We waited 2 years to do our second IVF cycle which was a bust. We waited 7 months for this third IVF cycle which at least gave us 4 embryos to save for later. And waiting for a FET sure won't kill us after all the previous waits, right?

I just wish I had answers. Or that our clinic had someone who could say, we billed this amount to your insurance company, they're processing it, and so you will have AT LEAST this amount left for whatever treatment you decide to do. Ugh.

I think God is trying to teach me patience. It sure isn't a trait I was blessed with, so I need to learn it. I'm working on it God, I am. Thanks for keeping me on track.

If all of this isn't draining enough combined with my frustrations in my professional life, I'm going to visit my grandmother this weekend. I'm driving up with my dad, and it's going to be like 11 to 12 hours probably roundtrip. We only stay about an hour because I think it's hard on us to have the same conversation about 15 times in that hour, and I can only imagine that it's hard for my grandmother when she isn't even sure who we are, or at least who I am. She thought I was her neice last time, and she thought my grandfather was still alive. That was really hard to take. I just feel beaten down emotionally, and I'm trying to amp myself up to get through this weekend without getting torn up too much more in this fight called life.

God's Will

That is the only thing I can come to when I think about this cycle. Seriously, how else could a cycle go so well, with such beautiful embryos, and it still not result in a pregnancy? God has something else planned for us. I saw this beautiful quote last night, and I can't remember where, but it said something to the effect that God answers prayers in 3 ways- "Yes" and gives you what you want, "No" and gives you something better, or "Wait" and He gives you the best. That was profound to me, I know it sounds lame, but seriously. It's true. I don't know at this point whether He is saying "no" or "wait". We had to wait with Jack, and he is the best gift Archie and I have ever received. And believe me, we can't even begin to tell you how often we will look at each other and say Thank God for Jack. For all we know He is telling us "no", and our gift is that we get to do more with Jack and for Jack, the gift He has already shared with us. When I look at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.

AF arrived today just before work. Yay. I called and left my nurse a message to find out what our next step is as far as they are concerned. I will be calling our financial coordinator first thing tomorrow morning to try and make sure financially we are a go for this cycle, and we're praying that we'll have enough to get out another cycle this year. We shall see!

I Don't Know

I was frustrated, until I started to think about things more. I've been asked if I'll switch clinics. No, I can't if I want insurance to pay for it, not to mention that our doctor merged with this clinic because it is renowned in the region for being so good at what they do. I just can't seem to wrap my head around this. I asked my doc if he would do anything different, and he's right, you can't argue with how well the cycle itself went, and the fact that for the first time in 3 fresh cycles, we had embryos that made it so far, and some that are frozen. As I was explaining what Dr. M said on the phone yesterday to my mom this morning and I told her that he said that our embryos "weren't ready" to transfer on day 3 or 5, she asked, "What does he mean ready?" Great question. Seriously. I mean, to her I explained away that they weren't at the stage that the clinic wanted them to be at, maybe they have a protocol for where they need to be based on day to be able to transfer them. But really? Before we merged with this clinic, we put back day 3 embryos that weren't great quality... so what in the world did these have to look like to put them back earlier? You can't tell me that people have embryos that are hatching on day 3. I'm so irritated.

And I thought I was over crying until I got into the shower for work and as I was drying off, I found myself in tears because Jack unfortunately had to know that we were trying to give him a sibling, and that I had to explain what happened to the ones we put back. He went to all of my appointments with me for the most part, and Archie told him the day we did our transfer that there were babies in my tummy so that he wouldn't run and jump on me or headbutt me like he does sometimes. So I did it as delicately as I could, but I hope it was enough. He still is asking questions about how they physically got into heaven and unfortunately that's too complicated for even me to explain to him. He's seen me have blood on toilet paper before, and asked why, and he was worried, and my simple explanation was that when mommies don't make babies, we bleed and it's ok, it doesn't hurt and we're ok. I couldn't very well explain that instead of heaven, these babies will just come out with everything else. How morbid would that be? Not to mention, what in the world would the kid think later on in life. So the heaven explanation was better in my opinion, but I wish he didn't have to KNOW how everything works. I swear he'll be an engineer one day.

Jack is going to know the next time too, because when you have to be at your appointments at 7:30am, and you don't get off work until then, and you already have your child with you (my mom watches him at night when Archie and I both work and then we trade off in the morning at work), it's just something you have to do.

I can't say I'm ready to go through all of this emotionally again. But this is the second time, and I feel like I've been handling things better-whether that's because I know we're not "done" since we still have 4 embies on ice, or because unfortunately it's not our first time going through this-I don't know. It sucks for sure. But, I almost feel like if we can just continue this sucky roller coaster ride and keep on going, MAYBE something good will come of it. I feel like if we take a break and wait until next year, I may be even more apprehensive. I don't know. It terrifies me to think that not only will I possibly have to deal with "being done", and "not having any more", but I'm most terrified about how to explain to Jack, good enough to satisfy him, that he won't have a brother or sister when I know that he wants one so bad. Crap, I'm crying again. Ok, I have to be done, it's time for dinner, and I have to get my stuff together so I can work tonight.

Processing Bad News

I guess now that the initial shock has passed, I find myself just irritated. How could we put back supposedly good looking embryos that were already hatched and NOTHING happen? I was supposed to trust the lab to make the call on when to transfer them back, and what I wanted didn't matter, and NOTHING happened. I tried to look on my clinic's website to see if they post their IVF results by day of transfer and they don't. That said, I can't imagine that they would continue to do day 6 transfers if they didn't have a decent success rate.

Archie said he wishes he had stopped me from drinking the iced tea I had the night of our anniversary. ICED TEA!! I didn't even realize I had iced tea until I sat straight up in bed that night thinking, "Holy CRAP, I cannot believe I did that!" I told Archie that if I can have a baby at work whose mother did PCP, heroin and cocaine and can still get pregnant, two glasses of caffeine was not the deal breaker.

I just got off the phone with my doc. He said the only way our cycle could have been more perfect was if we had gotten pregnant. He said that it was a great cycle, and if we did another fresh one, he wouldn't change anything. He said we couldn't have elected to do a day 5 transfer because the embryos weren't ready. I asked about our frozen blasts, what they looked like and their quality. We froze 2 hatching blasts, and 2 expanding blasts which are evidently further along than early blasts but not at the hatching stage. 1 of our embryos was good quality, the other 3 were fair. This doesn't worry me much as our first cycle was all fair embryos and we got pregnant with Jack.

I asked Dr. M what to expect for a FET since we've never done anything but fresh cycles, and he said that they do injectable estrogen which is IM, but it's only given every 3 days. They sometimes do lupron, sometimes do BCP's, and they do injectable progesterone IM but that won't start until a few days before the transfer. I asked about thawing the embryos, how far in advance they do it and they thaw them the day of the transfer. I told him we'd want to put two back, and he said that they would start by thawing two, and if both survived thawing then we'd still have two frozen but if they didn't both survive they would continue thawing until we had two embryos to transfer or until we ran out. So it's not a guarantee that anything would even be transferred back. I'm just glad we decided to freeze some since this cycle didn't work out, at least I don't have to deal with the fact that "we're done".

My mom is upset. She asked if I was really going to put myself through this again emotionally. Yup, I am. I can't believe that I've dealt with this blow as well as I have, but I think it's because we're not "done". We still have a chance. If insurance won't cover it, we'll wait until we get our taxes back next year instead of taking Jack to Disney. If it will cover it, than we'll do it, and use our taxes to take Jack to Disney next year.

Archie is just as disappointed and confused as I am. And of course, Jack went to all these appointments with me and knew that the bloodwork today was to see if there were any babies growing in my tummy. So when we picked him up from school, and I was upset, he wanted to know why. I was on the phone with my mom and she was upset that I told him how I did, but he needs to know. He knew that we had put babies back in there, the logical question is what happened to them? So he asked and I told him that I was upset because there weren't any babies in my tummy and that meant that we had more time for us to have him all to himself. He was fine with that and gave me hugs and kisses. Then a little later he asked me where the babies went. I explained that they went to heaven because God was ready for them. He asked how they got there, and I told him that it was like God gave them a big hug and just wrapped them up in His arms. He asked me if it was like a sliding star that slid up to heaven from earth, and I said sure. However he can understand it and process it is fine with me. So, Archie told me that when they went over to Jack's best friend's house, A's mom asked how I was doing. Jack said, "My mommy's babies died and they went to heaven." like it was no big deal, and I'm glad that for him it's not. I guess we handled it the right way or he'd be more upset, right? I don't know. There certainly isn't a parenting book that tells you how to deal with this.

Negative

That would be my result after putting back two beautiful looking blasts on day 6. It doesn't make me feel great about the ones we have frozen. My doc hasn't called me yet, but my nurse said he will later. She said we can start again after I get my period if we want to and have the funds available for our frozen transfer. I can't even get myself together enough to call the insurance company to see what we have left. All the meds are stopped and I should have AF in about 2-4 days supposedly. This is just freaking beautiful, but I realize that it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. It's just not much of a consolation at this point. Oh well, Jack gets us to himself for a little longer. That's not a bad deal, at least we have that sweet, funny boy to love on.

7dp6dt

I want to test so bad!!! My mother almost got me to do it today before work, but I just don't think I am ready to handle a negative and have to wait 2 more days for results. I called my nurse this morning and begged to do my test tomorrow morning instead of Friday, simply because my doctor's office is right across the street from my work, and I work tonight. It means I have to get Jack up early in the morning on Friday (earlier than I normally have to for school anyway) and drag him into the doctor's office for a 2 second blood draw. My nurse told me I really needed to wait, if I wanted to come in on Monday instead of Friday that was fine, but they've had numbers be low doing it a day before, and then they have to wait 4 days to retest and in the meantime the person is all stressed out and worrying. I don't want that either. So it's killing me, but I will wait.

Friday is going to be a long day. When we did our beta for cycle #1, I had worked the night before, and my mom was having surgery that day. So I was busy trying to keep my eyelids open while waiting for news from the surgeon and I had my sister and husband to entertain me while we waited. That was long enough. But I don't work Thursday night, so I *may* (I say it like that because who really thinks I'll get much sleep before this test?!?!) be well rested on Friday morning, and after my blood draw, Jack will go to school, Archie will probably go to the gym, and I will be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. Waiting for the phone to ring...I have got to find some trouble to get myself into that day! Maybe if I can't sleep Thursday night, I can sleep on Friday?!?!? I know, I'm slowly slipping into delirium...only two more days of putting up with this from me!!! Then it will be a whole other box of worms we open up!

6dp6dt

So it is 6 days since our transfer. I keep getting asked how I feel, a totally normal question, especially since our beta is only a few days away now. For the most part I feel fine. I'm really irritable. I don't know how much of this is mentally induced because I'm getting more nervous as we get closer to the test date, or if it has to do with the progesterone/estrace combo. I'm having hot flashes which interfere with my sleep so I feel like I'm tired all the time even when I've been off of work for a few days. The estrace is supposed to help with this (at least in menopausal women), but I'm not so sure it has. The crampiness I was having has for the most part subsided, however, every now and then I'll have some. I'm not complaining, I'll take all of this if it means we're pregnant. I'm just answering the most common question at the moment :)

Forgot to Tell You Guys!

I don't know how this slipped my mind, but the last few days have been busy, so, I am proud to announce that we now have 4 snowbabies. 4 embryos made it to be frozen, and I think that's awesome. This was the best cycle we've ever had, regardless of whether we find out we're pregnant or not in about a week. We had the most eggs ever, the most mature enough for ICSI ever, our embryos made it further than they ever have before, and now we have 4 frozen. I sincerely pray that we will not need to thaw them and do another cycle, but I'm glad to know that if we do, it won't cost us nearly as much as a fresh cycle since we probably used up the remainder of our cap through our insurance with this current cycle.

Praise God for little blessings like these!

Paranoid and d2p6dt

I realize I tend to be a bit paranoid about this blog especially given that fact that so many people at work had issues with it before, and so I am just trying to keep it more private. I think my cousin's comment on my last post is right. My traffic feed is just making me more paranoid. Although it may be for good reason since my girlfriend said she just checked in and shows up as one area, and that area had checked in 6 hours before her and it wasn't her, maybe it's a coincidence and someone I don't even know who checked in. I'm taking my traffic feed off for my own sanity, stress levels, etc so that hopefully I can get through this already stressful time successfully.

That said, if you are a coworker and you are checking out my blog and I did NOT give it to you personally, please keep it to YOURSELF and resist the urge to gossip about it, me, or this journey of mine with other coworkers. Don't just lurk! Comment and let me know who you are so I have a clue who knows about this! Thanks :)

I've been asked how I'm feeling. Really no different than usual to be honest. I had some sharp cramping the night of the transfer and since then mild cramping off and on. Day 9 of IVF#1 was when I started having sharp cramps and then started spotting until day 13, our beta was on day 15. That was with a day 3 transfer, and embryos that weren't nearly as far along as these two that we put back this time. I am now d2p6dt (or day 2 post 6 day transfer; or 2 days after a day 6 transfer) and so if this cycle mimicks our first, tomorrow would be the same time I started spotting. I've been a bit paranoid because the cramping was earlier this time and frequent trips to the bathroom to check toilet paper haven't revealed any spotting...yet. I'm not sure what that means for this cycle, but I can't obsess over it either. What will be will be. We can only hope and pray that God blesses us with another child (or two!). It's still early, my beta isn't until late next week, and alot can happen between now and then (although any implanting should take place by Sunday). I can't really say I have any symptoms that can't be attributed to having a cold or being on estrace and progesterone.

Bent

I'm bent. I just walked into one of the room's at work and a coworker asked me how everything went. I was caught off guard, and I asked her how she knew. This person has been through it before too, but I didn't tell her we were doing a cycle this time. Her response to me was, "You know how word gets around here." I said, "Well I'd love to know who said something, especially considering the fact that I didn't tell many people this time, I kept it in a pretty close circle." I'm really not happy. People have been checking in on my blog from Clarksburg, MD; Germantown, MD; Potomac, MD; and DC, and I have no idea who they are, but they could be coworkers. For that reason, I'm not announcing the results of my pregnancy test on here until I'm good and ready for anyone (including work people) to know.

I have the contact info for some of my followers, and for those that regularly follow me, if you're unsure if I have your info, please email it to me at sweetrn621 at msn dot com and put in the subject line "BLOG" so I will not just spam it. I will send an email out to those who want to know our results as soon as we know.

Sorry guys, I'm just bent out of shape and until I know who is talking about us and our personal issues, I just can't do it.

PUPO

I am officially PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise. We put back 2 good quality hatched blasts (ready to implant), and we have 2 ready to freeze and a few more trying to catch up.

I prayed and talked to my embryos as did Archie and we asked them to stick around a while. I wanted to stay lying on my back forever, and while I knew they would kick me out eventually, I decided to leave after my 15 minutes on my back in the stretcher with a pillow under my rear. I am now laying back as far as I can in the car with a pillow under my rear on my way to the acupuncturist. I will then be going home to park my fat rear on the couch with a pillow under it. :)

Oh and there will not be any pictures because Dr. M was wrong and this clinic only takes pics of the transfer into your uterus and to be honest I can barely see it so I imagine you all won`t be ale to see it on a scanned copy.

Wide Awake at 2AM

Yup, that would be me! On the day of transfer that cannot be changed unless the unspeakable happens. I don't think I'm excited, just a little, do you?

Postponed...Again (edited)

I have no idea why. I also have no idea why the nurse would call my home phone, say she was going to call my cell and yet 20 minutes later I still haven't heard from her. I called her back like she asked me to, and it goes to voicemail. I have no idea why it's postponed or what's going on with these potential babies. She better call me back soon because my heart can't take this torment!!!

***edited to add***
I did finally talk to her. I have to say I'm a little disappointed that it didn't happen today. It's just hard to maintain the excitement when everyday they're calling you and you're not sure if they're calling to say that the embryos are doing well and transfer will be the next day now, or if they're calling to say the embryos fizzled out and your cycle is cancelled. It has been a hell of a roller coaster, and many are riding it with me, but I think my mom may be riding it the most with me. She calls me in anticipation, gets as upset/excited as I do and questions as much as I do.

She called me this morning on my way home wanting to know if I'd heard anything, and of course I hadn't because little did I know, the nurse had called my home phone and left a message there, but when my phone rang my heart jumped into my throat yet again, and I was half upset to see it was my mom calling (just because the darn phone rang and that couldn't be a good thing the morning you want to transfer), but half ecstatic that it wasn't the lab! It's just rough.

And I wasn't feeling this nurse. It's not my regular one, she's off today, and this nurse didn't give me numbers and to be honest, I just wanted to know what time I had to be there tomorrow and get off the phone with this bearer of bad news (in the fact that I was being postponed yet AGAIN). All I know at this point is that we have "a few" at the early blast stage, "quite a few at the morula stage", and one 9 cell. No word on quality (I think the blast ones might be hard to judge at this stage), or exact numbers. My transfer is tomorrow morning at 11:15, and this is the final time. I asked the nurse are they sure none will cease before tomorrow or stop growing, and she said that's never a guarantee, but that I definitely have enough that some will be transferred tomorrow. They better hope they're right!

My mom was upset with me for not knowing why they couldn't tell which ones would be best today if we already had some in early blast stage. My mind was reeling and I couldn't explain it, but here is why I think that. In my boredom last night, I found this site that talks about it. If you scroll down to where they talk about the grading system, beneath that they show you and you can see that they can't grade the early blastocysts. I know that it's important to put back the best ones and that this is why they need another day to be able to let them declare themselves, it's just hard to accept that I have to wait yet another day, and hope and pray that they'll be ok until transfer tomorrow.

And now we're back to putting my trust in the lab that does this all the time, and putting my trust in God that He will protect my itty bitty babies growing in a lab until tomorrow. I have to trust that He wants the best for us as well, and what he wants for us is what will be. Please pray for us tonight that our embryos continue to develop. Please pray for us tomorrow that transfer goes well. I likely will not update until after my transfer tomorrow as I AM NOT expecting a call in the morning unless something goes wrong. Therefore, I won't be able to tell you how they are doing, what they look like or anything until after my transfer. And I may be a bit delayed in that, because I will likely get little pictures of my embryos before they go back, and as I did when we did our first cycle, I scanned them at Kinkos and when we got pregnant I emailed them out that one of those embryos was our baby. This time I will post tomorrow that hopefully one of those embryos will become a healthy baby for us, sibling for Jack, neice/nephew for Aunt Holly, and grandchild for Grandmom, Mamala, and Papalo.

Wide Awake

Ok, so I'm awake because I'm working, but that's just a minor detail. I'm relatively sure that if I was laying in bed at home right now, that I'd be awake or at least tossing and turning with anticipation. I figure I'll get a call around 8am today to tell me they're pushing be back to tomorrow for transfer, mainly because it would be convenient for me for them to do the transfer today, and obviously, my life doesn't work that way (nothing ever just goes smoothly, LOL).

So I'm trying some breathing excercises to calm myself, you know, in case it actually does happen today. I'm trying to psych myself up (without caffeine) for staying awake after I get off work today to get Jack home to my friends (grandmom/daughter-in-law type deal-one is watching Jack who has had a fever since Saturday, and the other is watching the first friend's children while I'm getting my transfer), Archie getting home on time so we can head up for my transfer, and then of course staying awake until I get home and can crash in the bed or sofa for the rest of the day.

I was reading this on my clinic's website, and I cannot believe that either if our embryos are transferred back today, they could start implanting as early as tomorrow! That is insane! Even more insane is the fact that if they waited until tomorrow to transfer back, we could be having a baby(ies) implant tomorrow or the next few days!

I'm truly excited. If I step back and look at the situation, it makes me nervous to be excited because it's not a given, but I've had such an outpouring of support, wonderful friends and family keeping me pumped up and pushing through the tough times, and a stronger faith in God than I have ever had before, and I feel more relaxed this cycle than I have any other previous one and I'm just amazed. I don't know if it's the new clinic, the stronger faith in the Lord, a combination or what, but this is the BEST cycle we've ever had. We are so blessed and lucky for this. I never expected it. Dr. M told us two years ago with our last cycle that he was amazed at how much my egg quality had declined in just 3 years (from our first cycle). I wasn't even 30 yet. That was pretty hard to hear. So you can imagine my shock when this cycle has not only gone well, but we've got more embryos, better quality embryos, and we still have some at this point. This is the furthest we've ever made it. I am so grateful.