Antsy

This word probably best describes me right now. I'm truly excited (how scary is that after going through this twice and now heading into it a third time-the actual transfer, remember, our second cycle we didn't put any back) about my transfer coming up Friday. That said, I'm also absolutely terrified. So many of the wonderful girls I communicate with on forums, blogs, IRL, are going through treatments right now too. One of my very close friends had a negative beta the other day (love you!), a girl whose blog I follow had her last appointment before being released to her OB a couple of days ago and had her second or third ultrasound only to find that the baby's heart had just recently stopped beating, another friend is facing a tough week ahead during lab tests to see if she can even do another treatment cycle and have another shot, and my cousin recently miscarried...again. The girls on my one forum that I'm actively on are all having transfers after me, I'm the first one of us. I don't want to fail, have them see me fail, and feel dread and negativity toward their own cycles.

It weighs on my mind what the people around me are going through and the immense disappointment I feel for them when yet again, one of us (or more in this case) are back to the drawing board. Some of these friends have children already, and some are trying to just have that first one. I remember all too clearly what it was like to feel, almost left behind. It's not a race for sure, but you can't help but notice when people you were married before are pregnant, or when you're thinking, wow, Mother's Day last year I was hoping to at least be pregnant and on my way, but here we are coming up on a second one and I'm still here with empty arms. Or, when a ton of people at work are pregnant and the jokes are going around, "Don't drink the water!!!" Shit, if it was just that easy.

I don't feel nearly as much despair as I once did. Does it bother me that we may never have another child? YES. But, we are also very blessed for our treatments to have worked at least once and to have given us a beautiful child who lights up our lives, and shows us that miracles do in fact, happen. I love my ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) buddies all around the world, and I want to support them through this, and I will need their support too. It's such a hard thing to deal with, and unless you've walked the paths, it's sometimes hard to fully comprehend. I can't begin to fully comprehend the loss of a child because I haven't been there, but I can imagine how I would feel if something happened to my child and I think I would probably have to multiply what I think I would feel by about 10 fold. It would be my worst nightmare. But, again, I haven't been there and don't REALLY know what it would be like, much like someone who hasn't dealt with infertility doesn't really know either.

I need a distraction. I will probably only check in every couple of days on here, simply because I'm scared to read other people's stories right now. I'm scared even to see the good things because I thought I had good symptoms last time, promising symptoms, and yet, nothing. I don't want to blog about all of my symptoms this time, because I'm reminded yet again that it's probably just the drugs making me feel this way or that (not feeling much of anything at this point probably because there isn't anything yet to make me crampy, spotting, twingy, etc. I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I'm afraid to talk about anything I do feel for multiple reasons-jinxing anything, making others around me who are struggling upset, sounding too optimistic or pessimistic. I like to go to the park or get outside when I am stressed out like this. Going to the park and hiking up to the waterfall nearby probably won't be a good idea post transfer, so maybe I'll settle, and we can go fishing a few times during my wait for my beta. We love fishing, and Archie and I were commenting today when Jack asked about fishing that we feel like we're behind this year! I've just been working so many weekends time has flown!

I started progesterone tonight and I'm continuing the estrogen. Both are shots. They're not too bad. Archie gives them to me in my bum, but he's better at it now then when we started this cycle (he was a little rusty after a couple of years). My biggest issue is the blood (and presumably progesterone) leaking back out when he pulls the needle out. I'm not sure if maybe I iced the area too long before the shot so it was harder for my muscle to absorb it, or if it's just the nature of this. I remember for our first cycle my underwear being stained in the upper outer corners of my butt because of the progesterone leaking out a little. I just want to have the best shot and keep as much of the meds in as possible in case God's plan is to bless us with another child (or two).