And It's Official...

The morning sickness (anytime sickness) has arrived. YUCK! I felt like dirt Saturday and Sunday, but was rather excited when I woke up yesterday and found that most of the day I felt fine (I was a little lightheaded at times, but nothing horrendous). However, within about an hour of getting to work, I felt barfy. I now am the proud owner of a couple of small trash bags (just in case), and was lucky enough to score my spot in isolation (a room of a couple of patients away from other coworkers) so that if I did happen to get sick, it wasn't in front of half the unit.

I find myself in a catch 22. I don't have much of an appetite, but if I don't eat, I feel like poo. If I eat every few hours, I feel better for about a half hour and then feel like I'm going to regret eating at all. It's awesome!

I don't mean to complain, trust me, I'll take this and the rest of what comes with it in a heartbeat for a healthy little one in January. Jack may never snuggle with me again (he lives in perpetual fear that I will "frow up" on him anytime I feel like this) which will break my heart, but it's still worth it. If I can, I'll just hide it from him as much as possible because my favorite thing to do is snuggle with him. To be honest, as twisted as it sounds, this nausea is reassuring for me since I've been terrified we will get in for our ultrasound next Monday and see that there isn't a heartbeat. So the fact that I'm sick makes me feel slightly better anxiety-wise.

We've decided on how we want to tell Jack about his upcoming change in status. Archie thought that he could videotape me from the waist up, with me telling him that something exciting is happening, and then pan out to include the ultrasound picture, but I feel weird about doing that for a few reasons. First is that the image will stay on the screen so long as the PA doing the ultrasound has the probe in an unmentionable place. Second, it's not really going to look like a baby much at this point. To be honest, I don't want anyone else around for this moment. I don't want anyone else to hear me awkwardly stumbling through the words and emotions of telling Jack he's going to be a big brother. So, I came up with the idea of "the baby" writing Jack a note telling him that he's going to be a big brother and how excited the baby is that it gets Jack to fill that special role in it's life, and everything that Jack can do with it once it's here, and that the baby hopes Jack will come take a peek at it on the next ultrasound in a few weeks. "The baby" will also be sending a special gift for it's big brother in the form of a train shirt that announces it (which he can wear to school and to playdates with friends who already know our status). We will videotape me reading the letter to Jack and his reaction. I'm not sure when I'll actually send those pictures out to anyone (I may post it on here, but I'm still not sure when I want everyone at work to know). I guess when it starts to leak at work (a few people know, but so far, not the majority by far), or when I'm hurling in front of people, the cat will be out of the bag, but I'm not one to stand at the nurse's station and say to the other 15 nurses standing there, "Hey guys, I'm pregnant!" Nor am I one to announce it on facebook. Eventually the picture of Jack's announcement will make it's way onto facebook, but it won't be until the cat's out of the bag at work.

So that's my update for now. I really don't want you to think I'm complaining. I knew this was part of the package, and while I hoped this pregnancy would be different (and it still could be, with Jack the morning sickness lasted until 36 weeks, with any luck this will be done in about 6 weeks time!), even if it's not, it really is ok. It doesn't mean I won't whine from time to time, sometimes you just can't help it when you feel miserable, but don't ever mistake my whining as being ungrateful for the gift we've been given. I cannot thank God enough!

Kidney Update

So I dragged my weary (not to mention bruised and sore) butt to get my renal ultrasound this morning after I got off from work. The ultrasound tech told me that she didn't see any stones (I didn't expect her to since they've never seen them on ultrasound, only on CT scan). I went up, checked in, and sat in the doctor's office looking through car and golf magazines with Jack while I waited another hour for my doc to arrive and start his day.

He looked at the ultrasound and spoke with the radiologist, and he told me that it could have been a smaller stone that I was able to pass already, or it's moved down further to where they can't see on ultrasound. He said that my kidney looked slightly dilated and that I had the mildest hydronephrosis (he said it's nothing compared to what I had when I had the 2 large stones blocking my ureters). He said that pregnancy can cause hydronephrosis by the uterus getting bigger and naturally causing some obstruction to the ureters, but I told him that the gestational sac was only 1cm on ultrasound, and he said that the uterus is already growing even if the sac isn't that large yet. He told me that I'd have to talk to my OB or RE about what I can take for pain (I am sure it's only tylenol allowed at this point), and that I would kind of have to deal with it at this point. He said the only other option is to put a stent in, and he would have to do it rather blindly since he can only visualize so far with the scope, and it would be a really uncomfortable procedure for me. The stent was difficult to keep in after my surgery 3 years ago and that was only for almost a week (I had to have him remove it because I couldn't stand running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to pee an ounce at a time!). I'll skip that thank you very much!

So, my current plan is to drink as much as I can, as often as I can until I either deliver or get sick (in which case we'll go back to our plan of a long term IV to keep me well hydrated). The doc is supposed to call back in my prescription for my urocit-K which is basically a bunch of lemons packed into some horse pills to keep my pH of my urine alkalinized which makes it harder for me to form stones. I also have to be really careful with my sodium intake as higher sodium is associated with increased stone formation in cystinuria. Yay for me, LOL.

I want to ask my nurse at what point I can use a heat pack on that left part of my back. I've avoided using my heating pad at all because I wasn't sure if that (or my fever, or the two glasses of iced tea I had at dinner one night) had anything to do with why we didn't get pregnant for our fresh cycle, and I'm truly afraid to use it. I really haven't had much back pain until these last few days, so I was doing fine without it, but I'm wondering if I could take a smaller microwaveable heat pack and use that intermittently for this back pain. I'll call her next week and ask.

Thank you for the prayers that everything would be ok. I just continue to pray that this pregnancy will progress normally, and the baby will be healthy. Our next ultrasound is June 6th and Jack will be in school which is fine. I wanted to tell him then, but the office we're going to for the ultrasound is really funny about bringing kids with you (sensitivity to the other IFer's which I totally get). I figure if we see a heartbeat, we can tell him that night, and then our first trimester ultrasound to look at the nuchal translucency (which if I remember right is like 10-12 weeks-ish) we will definitely take him to. The baby will resemble more of a baby/alien then anyway, so it will be more believable to Jack then looking at what resembles a grain of rice on the 6th.

The Last 2 Days

I got quite a scare last night. After going to the bathroom I had really bad (doubled over) pain in my left lower part of my abdomen that radiated to my lower right abdomen and up the left side of my back. It lasted about 20 minutes, and if it hadn't stopped, I would have been convinced that I had an ectopic. After that, I was extremely nauseated and just wanted to throw up (I didn't!). I felt miserable. I finally was able to fall asleep, and that was surprising given the fact that I had our first ultrasound coming up today, but I'd cleaned most of my house yesterday and hadn't had a nap, so I was exhausted.

I woke up this morning and felt better until I got out of bed. Despite munching on some crackers (I was hungry and borderline nauseated), I just felt like yucky. I got up and started to put away laundry and every time I took a deep breathe or bent over, I noticed I was having a dull pain in my left back again. And I was getting more nauseated by the minute. I got to thinking this is probably my stupid cystinuria acting up again, and I probably have another kidney stone. Well, that set me into tears because kidney stones can cause preterm labor and while that's not what I'd really have at this point, it could cause me to miscarry. So I was a bit of a mess this morning to say the least.

I called my urologist, and I am to go in tomorrow morning when I get off of work for a renal ultrasound. The problem with this is that often the ultrasounds won't pick up stones if they are smaller, the CT scans are better for that, but now that I'm pregnant, that isn't an option. Ugh. My doc ordered the ultrasound for stat results back to him which is good because I should have the ultrasound done around 7:30am, and then I'm supposed to go to his office to wait for him. He doesn't usually come in until about 9am (and that is on the rare occassion that he's on time). My only issue with this is that I'm exhausted, I'll have Jack with me (who is supposed to be at school by 8:30am), and all I will be thinking about is my bed, and how I have to get enough sleep to come back into work again at 7pm. Such is life right?!?!

Please pray that if this is a stone, it's passable. I don't want a miscarriage and I don't want a nephrostomy tube (which basically diverts the urine from your kidney to a bag on the outside of your body until the stone is removed). Please pray for this baby to hang in there and grow nice and steady so we can hopefully see it's little heartbeat fluttering away on June 6th.

1st Ultrasound

It looks like one!!! Next ultrasound is June 6th.

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Countdown to U/S #1

Our first ultrasound is about 22 hours away. It is killing me to wait!!! While I think there is a good chance there could be two babies inside of me right now, I still tend to think there is only one.

My appetite isn't great and not because I don't feel well. I mean, I have a cold and tend to be less hungry when I am sick, but I'm not nauseated at all (except if I don't eat for a long time). Actually I take that back. Monday I didn't feel well. I usually get phone calls from my nurse by 2:15pm even though they say to expect your results between 2 and 5pm. So when she hadn't called me with my beta result by 3:30, I was beginning to think my doc was going to call me and say something was wrong, my numbers were going down. So when she called and told me my beta had almost quadrupled and I realized it may be twins, I damn near had a panic attack. Believe me, twins would be great news, but I just expected my numbers to continue to DOUBLE. I found my heart speeding up for hours after her call, and to be honest, I felt like I was going to throw up. It just threw me for a loop. If you know me in real life, and witnessed my first pregnancy, then you will know I think the fact that I'm generally not nauseated and just have less of an appetite is awesome!!! I can live with having a depressed appetite!!! I fully expected to start not feeling well right about now. It started with Jack 9 days after my first beta, and I am 9 days post my first beta with this pregnancy. The depressed appetite is really the only thing I can say isn't normal for me.

I don't feel bloated (would I if I was pregnant with twins at 5.5 weeks? I don't know, I just know that you get bigger a heck of a lot quicker with twins.) at all, I don't feel bad. I'm really tired, but I'm always tired with working nights and trying to maintain a "normal schedule" when I'm off. There just isn't anything that screams "You're PREGNANT!!!" to me. This is why I think it may only be one. I just try not to think about it much because then I get myself worked up and paranoid that maybe something is wrong with the pregnancy and it won't work out, and we can't be having those kinds of negative thoughts right?!?!? So, I think it's just one. We'll see what is there tomorrow, but I'm telling you I wish they could just call you in the morning and say, "Oh, we need you to come in today for an ultrasound, whenever is fine for you!" Instead of me making an appointment 3 days in advance, and twiddling my thumbs trying to ignore the next 96 hours!!!! Sheesh!

Beta #4 Results

Well, today's beta about quadrupled what it was on Friday. Today's was 5653! It's either one really sticky bean in there, or there's more than one. Up until I got my results today I was convinced that there was only one. Now I'm not so sure. My nurse called and told me that we were done with the bloodwork, I could go ahead and schedule my first OB ultrasound with them for later this week. I said, "Wait, what were the numbers today!?!?" I was expecting 3800, 4100, NOT 5600!!!

I made friends with a girl in our clinic who had a fresh cycle, and was having her day 6 transfer the same day we were. We befriended each other on facebook. Her beta was 1200-something on Friday and was 5000-something today. She had her first ultrasound today and it showed two sacs, but one of them was smaller than the other and may not make it. Please pray for her and her little embryos, as they are both there and she'd like to have them both! Her next ultrasound isn't for 10 days.

My ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday morning at 10:45am. Please pray that how ever many little ones are in there are in the correct place for them to continue to grow for a long 9 months. Please pray that if there are twins, we can get over the shock and begin to make plans for them (and us), and our childcare situation. Please pray they will be healthy and have heartbeats at the ultrasound that will follow this one so we can tell Jack the good news.

Happy May ICLW!!!

Hi to all of my fellow ICLW'ers! I had to take last month off, I just mentally wasn't there and didn't feel like I could handle it. In February we started our last fresh IVF cycle (#3) which went beautifully and perfectly, and yet, it didn't work, and I found this out mid-March. I just had to focus on what I have (a beautiful little boy from our first IVF cycle, and a wonderful husband), and as bad as it sounds, I just didn't have it in me to really reach out to other people.

We moved right into an FET cycle, and we put back two thawed embryos on May 6th, and we have had rising betas this last past week. We'll go in on Monday morning and if we're at or over 2000, we should have our first ultrasound late next week. We're very excited, feeling extremely blessed, and also nervous because we know that just because we're pregnant now doesn't mean it will continue for 9 months, but we pray it will.

I look forward to finding some new blogs to follow, and hope some of you will follow us as well through our journey.

Happy ICLW!

Beta #3 Results

My beta today is 1437!!!!!!! It should have been at least 1300 today. This is wonderful news!!! My next beta will be on Monday morning and if it's above 2000 (which it should be!), my nurse said my first ultrasound will probably be late next week. I'm so excited!!!

I have to really watch myself when I pray with Jack before bed every night. I make time to pray seperately to thank God for giving us another chance to be parents again. To pray that he protect the baby or babies growing inside of me, and that he continue to breathe life into them. I would normally do this with Jack, and what I used to say before we got great betas was "please help us continue to grow our family in the way that you see fit." I didn't specifically ask for babies in front of Jack, and I realized that while He may not see fit for us to carry another child, He may have wanted us to go in the direction of adoption. I am so grateful for what God has given to us throughout our lives.

I still find it hard to believe I'm pregnant again. I've been battling a cold these last few days (Thanks Jack!) and yesterday was the worst with body aches. I haven't had any fevers (I haven't felt hot, but haven't taken my temps either). I'm trying to ignore the cold and enjoy not being nauseated, or throwing up for however long it lasts.

Beta #2 Results

I was truly worried this morning about my beta results today and what they would end up being. It may all be psychological (as my good friend K pointed out), but I really have had to use the restroom more lately (which is odd because I don't remember this being an issue until later in pregnancy with Jack). And I really have had more heartburn, but that may be because of stress too, it seems to flare up more when I'm stressed. But those two things had pretty much disappeared over the last day, so this morning I felt panicked.

I had my lab work done at about 8:10 this morning, and my nurse called me at 12:30 with my results. My second HCG level is 653!!! That's great, it doubled in 40 hours, and at this point, I really can't ask for more than that. My doc gave me the option of waiting to come back for my third beta on Monday morning, or I could come in on Friday for it. Of course, I chose Friday. I'm hoping come Monday I'll be over 2000 with my level and we can schedule our first ultrasound to see how many babies are now living in my uterus.

Archie said this morning (with no probing from me), that he really hopes it's twins. I think he's lost it!!! I really hope it's a healthy baby or two, one would be great, but two would be wonderful as well. I think he just has no idea how hard two babies 24/7 can be on top of an already busy little boy. That said, he would really only have to deal with two babies 24 hours a day twice a week, LOL, at least for the first couple of months. Jack is a great helper and is truly wonderful (mostly) with his best friend's little sister who is 18 months old. He gets upset with her sometimes when she wants to play with toys he wants, or when she won't share her toys, but he is never rough with her, he lets her check out things he's got, he'll get her toys he doesn't mind her playing with, and I can just see he'll be a spectacular big brother. I think he'll be more help than anything especially if we have two babies. Shoot, I'm in tears. I have longed for the day where I would see Jack be a big brother, see how he interacts with his little sibling, see how much he loves them, and I know he wants a brother or sister (although I also realize that while he has seen some of what it would like to have a little sister-we play with them almost daily-that when they don't leave how he feels may be a totally different story). God has answered more than one prayer by giving us a chance at having another child in our family.

More to come with beta results on Friday.

Beta #1 Results

Drum roll please............Today's beta (10dp6dt) is 284!!! It's a great number. I'm thinking it's only one little one in there (which is perfectly fine). At 12dp3dt with Jack (so 15 days after ovulation), it was 161, so it is higher, but not that much higher.

This clinic handles things a little differently than when my doc was by himself at the last one. At the last one, we had two betas to make sure the numbers were doubling, and then we scheduled an ultrasound for about a week and a half later to check and make sure the sac was in the uterus. About a week to 10 days later we had another ultrasound to detect a heartbeat. This clinic does betas every 2-3 days until we get close to 2000, at which point we have an ultrasound to make sure the sac is in the right place, and another week to 10 days later we have the ultrasound to do the heartbeat check. If my numbers double correctly, I expect to get the go-ahead to schedule my ultrasound sometime next week.

I asked the nurse when most people decide to tell their young children about the pregnancy. I'm definitely not ready to tell Jack now, but I imagine once I see a heartbeat, I'll feel more comfortable with it. She said every family is different, they recommend waiting until there is a heartbeat, and some families will tell the kids then, others will wait until they are out of the first trimester. If I am sick like I was with Jack, I will likely tell him why so that he isn't worried about me. He's very sensitive which makes it hard for me to judge when to tell him, but he dealt with the lack of pregnancy pretty well last time when we had to tell him that the babies didn't stick around and went to heaven. He gets upset when people are sick, and he wants to know why. He knows that when he was in my tummy, I was very sick. So I imagine he'll ask. Heck, he asked me right after my transfer, "Mommy, you got babies in that big fat tummy?" Yes, he actually said that, but it's my own fault because he's asked before and I just tell him, "No, Mommy just has a big fat tummy." So I wasn't offended when he said that, I actually busted out laughing. When he asked this last time after the transfer I told him I didn't know. I didn't want to say "No" and have that be true, but I didn't want to say "Yes" only for this not to work and have to explain it to him again.

We'll see what happens. I've prayed to thank God for giving us this blessing so far, prayed that He continue to breathe life into however many babies are in there, and prayed that He would help us know when the right time is to tell Jack. All we can do now is sit back and wait to see how this continues to develop.

I Have A Confession

I have a confession to make. I woke up yesterday morning convinced that this cycle didn't work. I was depressed, and to ease my mind, I went into my 10 pack of pregnancy tests, and decided to POAS (pee on a stick) knowing full well that it was way too early and would be negative. It was negative.

So this morning after watching some TV with the hubby I had to go to the bathroom and I figured, well, I have 9 tests left and only 3 days until my beta, might as well. After a minute of just staring at the control line, I threw the test in the trash and went back down to continue catching up on my shows. I went upstairs a bit later intending to go to the bathroom and take a nap for work, and I glanced in the trash can and swore I saw a faint line. I hauled tail down to the living room to shove the test in hubby's face for his opinion. He said he thought he saw one too. Well, then I couldn't sleep of course. I called my mom, sent her pictures of the test in question along with the negative from yesterday. This couldn't be right, I'm only 7 days out from my transfer. It had to be an evap line even though we could all see it.

So I did what any crazy IF chick would do and drove to Walgreens to buy a 3 pack of digital tests, LOL. I figured one for each day of the weekend (including today). It said it had a 41% accuracy rate for 5 days out from your period, and 90% accuracy for 2 days before your period. I figured worse case scenario, I might see a negative and just check again tomorrow. Hell, I already fully planned on POAS again tomorrow anyway! You can only imagine my shock when I waited to see a faint line on the internet cheapie HPT and within 1 minute the digital test said, "Pregnant". Seriously??? Oh my gosh. I screamed for Archie to come upstairs, "NOW!"

We're not ready to tell coworkers yet, and not ready to tell Jack. If we are friends on FB, please don't post on my wall about this, but feel free to message me! We will probably tell Jack when we have an ultrasound showing a heartbeat and normal growth. He'll probably be with us anyway knowing my luck. I'm cautiously optimistic as I know we could lose this pregnancy in the next 8 weeks, but for now I am pregnant, and I'm so grateful to God for answering this prayer of ours.

6dp6dt and Beta Date Change

My beta date was moved up to Monday the 16th. So grateful for that.

In other news with a lack of symptoms I am rather convinced this did not work. I realize that it is still early, just not feeling really optimistic about the outcome at this point. That said, I had a lot of cramping last time and was sure it had worked, so I won't give up hope or stop praying for it yet.

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FET 4dpt

I have nothing to report. NOTHING. Saturday at Jack's soccer game I moved too fast a couple of times and had what felt like pulling a muscle type pains in my lower right abdomen, but I was moving/twisting. Other than that, I had extremely mild, barely noticeable cramping yesterday for about 30 seconds at a time, maybe 4 times. So really, NOTHING. I don't know if this is good or bad. I'm choosing good and here's why:

-With our only successful cycle, I had ONE sharp cramp 6dp3dt (so 9 days after retrieval-it was 6 days post 3 day transfer), and spotting from 7dp3dt to 10dp3dt. My beta was 12dp3dt.

-With our last cycle which is our only other one we ever had a transfer on (our second cycle never had a transfer), I was crampy from the night of transfer off and on until my negative beta.

So, I'm thinking maybe NOTHING is a good sign. I may be completely wrong and get a negative beta next week which is fine and to be honest, it's what I'm expecting, but I'm thinking maybe no cramps means my uterus isn't actively trying to get rid of the little embryos. And that is enough to make me happy today, LOL.

PUPO...Again!

Ok, let's try this PUPO thing again, shall we?

My transfer yesterday went fabulously. We got there yesterday morning, I had finished drinking my 34 ounces of water in preparation. Dr. K came and told us that they had thawed 2 embryos, and both survived. This is what my major concern had been for yesterday since I was hoping to still have 2 embryos left in case we needed another shot at this. Nothing else really concerned me about the transfer, it's a pretty benign procedure, just uncomfortable to have to have such a full bladder and have to wait after the transfer to relieve yourself. The two embryos were expanded (they contract when frozen, so they like to see them blow back up before transfer), and were looking good. I asked Dr. K about the pregnancy test date since my nurse told me it would be on 5/19/11, and I just could not understand why my test date for a fresh cycle was 15 days post retrieval, but for a fresh cycle it needed to be essentially 19 days post progesterone start (which is essentially the same as retrieval date). He said I could test as early 10 days from the transfer, so I will leave my nurse a message for Monday, and if she sticks with the 19th, I will do a home pregnancy test on the 16th, hey, I figure I haven't done one in, oh...about 5 and a half years.

On other news, my friend started to miscarry yesterday for the second time in about 3 months. I feel so bad for her. She texted me as I was on my way for my transfer, and I couldn't help but feel a little guilty. I know I wasn't doing anything wrong, but when someone close is losing a baby and you're on your way to hopefully get pregnant with one...well, it's just how I felt in that moment.

Archie looked at me like I had two heads yesterday when I asked him to go divide my pineapple core into 5 equal sections and then make me a smoothie with one of those sections. He thinks it's an old wives tale and it probably is, but it can't hurt so I'm going to try it.

Ok, time to hop in the shower and get to Jack's soccer game. Hopefully they'll decide to do 5v5 today instead of 10 on 10 which is a cluster if you've ever watched 20 kids ages 3-4 all trying to get a turn to kick a ball... :-)

Hope

It's funny, on my way into work tonight, I felt hopeful. I actually felt like this cycle would work and I would get pregnant. Friday doesn't worry me, I'm sure the transfer will go fine, and I'm sure that my embryos will survive the thaw and be ready to go back "home". What makes me nervous is the two weeks following it.

My plan is to go grocery shopping on Thursday and stock up on lots of salad, tuna (to go with my salad because I normally like my salads without meat, but I'm sure if I'm trying to do them twice a day for most days during my tww, that I'll be bored with plain veggie salads quickly), pineapple already sliced and cored (so I can cut the core up and eat it for the first 5 days post transfer), and lots of fruits.

Some of you may be thinking, "What's up with the pineapple core???" Well, it may be an old wive's tale but there are people who swear by it and I figure it won't hurt anything. Evidently pineapple in general contains an enzyme called bromelain which breaks down protein, but the core contains the most concentrated amounts of it. It isn't all absorbed or broken down during digestion and some is believed to be transported to the uterus and able to aid with digesting some of the proteins that need to break down for implantation of an embryo to take place. Pineapple meat and the juice itself is cautioned in pregnancy as it can cause uterine contractions and thus miscarriage, so I will only eat it for 5 days, and I will try to eat as little of the meat as possible.

Friday my plan is to take the monkey to school, go for my transfer when it's time, and come home and not move except to go to the bathroom and up to bed when it's time. Saturday morning I'm going to go with my mom and Archie for Jack's soccer game. I'll basically be holding our waters and sitting my rear in a camping chair to watch the game. I feel comfortable with this since with our first cycle (the only successful one), I had a flea market with my mom and Archie the day after our transfer and was up and about and it still worked. That's about the extent of my galavanting around for Saturday. Jack has a birthday party to go to in the afternoon, and while I'd really like to go, I need to just take it easy to feel like I did EVERYTHING. The rest of the day I plan to lay on the couch/bed and hopefully get some extra snuggling in with my boy. Sunday I'm still debating about going to church since I already have an activity planned for the day-going out to lunch/dinner with my mom, hubby and Jack. Then, as the rest of the days, I will be riding the couch. Monday I will take Jack to school and probably just relax as well. I am signed up for OT, but I'm kind of hoping not to get it. I know, I sound lazy, but they say 48-96 hours post transfer for implantation, so I'm trying to maximize my lounging time. And let's be honest, who doesn't like to just chill?

Tuesday night I'm back to work and that will be good because by then I should be going stir crazy and anything that was going to happen as far as implantation is concerned, should have already taken place. It will either be, or it won't. And then I'm off again until Friday. This is the time period (Wed-Fri) where I may start to get a little, um, off. This is about the point where my brain starts to play games with me. I need to find an outlet to keep me nice and mostly distracted.

I think IF I do decide to test early, it will be Sunday the 22nd, simply because I work that Wed/Thurs before (so not real first morning urine), that Friday I'm off, but I have to drive up to CT to see my grandmom that Saturday with my dad and I need to be in a good mentality for that trip, and then I'm back to work Monday night. We'll see what happens. I'm not sure I'll test, although no doubt I'll be incredibly tempted. I've never tested before, and if I have the willpower, I won't be testing until the beta. If my beta is good, I may test just for giggles since I've never seen a pink line for myself (didn't even do it after we found out we were pregnant with Jack).

On more depressing news, Angie from Random Thoughts from Angie is going to be having her d&c the same afternoon as my transfer where I'm hoping to sustain new life. It seems so messed up to have such an incongruence on the same day, but I guess it can't all be rainbows and butterflies all of the time (I'd much prefer if it was!). I'm praying for her as that day approaches. I've been praying since I got to work tonight for a coworker whose little girl passed away this morning. Her mom had IF as well, and had her little girl in our unit at 27 weeks gestation, 6 years ago. She had been fighting for her life for the last 10 weeks, and her body gave out this morning. She was her mother's only child. With Mother's Day coming up, I know it is going to be so extremely hard for her. I feel bad because even though this coworker lives right down the road from me, I likely won't attend her daughter's funeral because it will probably be right after my transfer (and even worse, Mother's Day weekend), and I feel like I need to keep my stress levels as low as possible, but I will pray my heart out for their family. They could use alot of prayers, so if you pray, please include them. I'll also be praying for my bloggy and forum friends who have lost a child or have empty arms and are facing this tough day coming up (not that most days aren't tough, but Sunday will be tougher than most). If you and I correspond and you fall into this category, you can know that you're getting extra prayers sent your way.

Antsy

This word probably best describes me right now. I'm truly excited (how scary is that after going through this twice and now heading into it a third time-the actual transfer, remember, our second cycle we didn't put any back) about my transfer coming up Friday. That said, I'm also absolutely terrified. So many of the wonderful girls I communicate with on forums, blogs, IRL, are going through treatments right now too. One of my very close friends had a negative beta the other day (love you!), a girl whose blog I follow had her last appointment before being released to her OB a couple of days ago and had her second or third ultrasound only to find that the baby's heart had just recently stopped beating, another friend is facing a tough week ahead during lab tests to see if she can even do another treatment cycle and have another shot, and my cousin recently miscarried...again. The girls on my one forum that I'm actively on are all having transfers after me, I'm the first one of us. I don't want to fail, have them see me fail, and feel dread and negativity toward their own cycles.

It weighs on my mind what the people around me are going through and the immense disappointment I feel for them when yet again, one of us (or more in this case) are back to the drawing board. Some of these friends have children already, and some are trying to just have that first one. I remember all too clearly what it was like to feel, almost left behind. It's not a race for sure, but you can't help but notice when people you were married before are pregnant, or when you're thinking, wow, Mother's Day last year I was hoping to at least be pregnant and on my way, but here we are coming up on a second one and I'm still here with empty arms. Or, when a ton of people at work are pregnant and the jokes are going around, "Don't drink the water!!!" Shit, if it was just that easy.

I don't feel nearly as much despair as I once did. Does it bother me that we may never have another child? YES. But, we are also very blessed for our treatments to have worked at least once and to have given us a beautiful child who lights up our lives, and shows us that miracles do in fact, happen. I love my ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) buddies all around the world, and I want to support them through this, and I will need their support too. It's such a hard thing to deal with, and unless you've walked the paths, it's sometimes hard to fully comprehend. I can't begin to fully comprehend the loss of a child because I haven't been there, but I can imagine how I would feel if something happened to my child and I think I would probably have to multiply what I think I would feel by about 10 fold. It would be my worst nightmare. But, again, I haven't been there and don't REALLY know what it would be like, much like someone who hasn't dealt with infertility doesn't really know either.

I need a distraction. I will probably only check in every couple of days on here, simply because I'm scared to read other people's stories right now. I'm scared even to see the good things because I thought I had good symptoms last time, promising symptoms, and yet, nothing. I don't want to blog about all of my symptoms this time, because I'm reminded yet again that it's probably just the drugs making me feel this way or that (not feeling much of anything at this point probably because there isn't anything yet to make me crampy, spotting, twingy, etc. I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I'm afraid to talk about anything I do feel for multiple reasons-jinxing anything, making others around me who are struggling upset, sounding too optimistic or pessimistic. I like to go to the park or get outside when I am stressed out like this. Going to the park and hiking up to the waterfall nearby probably won't be a good idea post transfer, so maybe I'll settle, and we can go fishing a few times during my wait for my beta. We love fishing, and Archie and I were commenting today when Jack asked about fishing that we feel like we're behind this year! I've just been working so many weekends time has flown!

I started progesterone tonight and I'm continuing the estrogen. Both are shots. They're not too bad. Archie gives them to me in my bum, but he's better at it now then when we started this cycle (he was a little rusty after a couple of years). My biggest issue is the blood (and presumably progesterone) leaking back out when he pulls the needle out. I'm not sure if maybe I iced the area too long before the shot so it was harder for my muscle to absorb it, or if it's just the nature of this. I remember for our first cycle my underwear being stained in the upper outer corners of my butt because of the progesterone leaking out a little. I just want to have the best shot and keep as much of the meds in as possible in case God's plan is to bless us with another child (or two).