Thursday, April 28, 2011

Update and Whine with my Cheese :)

I had my appointment today for an ultrasound to check out my lining, and to have blood drawn. My doc said my endometrium looked great, but I needed to clarify for myself (I'm really not dense, but it was one of those mornings since I had been up again half the night worrying as usual) and asked Dr. M if that meant my lining was thick and where it needed to be for transfer and he said it was.

Next I went to sign consents with my nurse. As long as my blood work looked ok, I'd be starting progesterone shots IM daily this coming Sunday night and transfer would be next Friday (May 6th), but I wouldn't know a time until next Thursday when she calls me. I had to ask if I ovulated if my cycle would get cancelled. She said that that would cause us to cancel the cycle and start over, but that my ovaries looked fine and everything looked quiet on my ultrasound. I asked if that meant that I didn't ovulate for sure, and she said that it didn't necessarily mean that, but it was reassuring, that we would know more when my results came back in 4 hours. I know, I was a little over the top this morning, but I was having cramping the other night, and while she said I shouldn't ovulate on the estrogen shots as they would be suppressing me, I ovulated on BCP's AND LUPRON for my fresh cycle, so I was not really trusting my body to do what it's supposed to do.

Another nurse called with my lab results this afternoon and I did not ovulate (round of applause for my body redeeming itself please).

All in all, this was a great day. I heard what I wanted to hear except for when I asked my nurse when I should expect my beta pregnancy test to be. See, I figured if I start progesterone on Sunday to match up with my day 6 transfer being Friday, I figured I could count Sunday as basically my retrieval. With my fresh cycle, my beta was to be 15 days post retrieval. This would mean my beta would be on the 16th. I was cool with this. However, when I asked my nurse today, she said (thinking out loud), "Well, it probably wouldn't be the full two weeks, probably around 12 days, so not the week after your transfer, but like the middle of that week following." If normally it's 15 days after retreival (so in my case like 9 days post transfer), why would it be 12 days after transfer????? One of my bloggy friends just had her transfer, and her beta is 10 days post transfer!

This is my whine with my cheese so to speak. I want what I want when I want it. This is the first time I can honestly say that this die-hard non-POASer may actually bite the bullet and pee on a stick. I just don't know that I'll be able to keep myself from doing it, especially after seeing how much my self control waned this last time. I came darn close to POAS the morning of my beta at my girlfriend's house and the only reason I didn't is because I didn't think I could look at the test myself and call Archie and my mom. I would have needed my friend to look at it for me, and I promised my mom she would be the second to know after Archie. My urologist made me promise he'd be like the third (in all likelihood he'll probably be 40th) so I could have a kidney ultrasound to make sure I don't start the pregnancy off with a stone that will just get worse and possibly cause complications. I figure it will only take me about 10 minutes to text, make calls, post on blogger, and then call him. :-)

Anyway, a great day in general, and I'm just hoping my nurse wasn't thinking straight when she told me she thinks beta would be like 12 days post transfer.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Happy Easter!!!!

I just wanted to say "HAPPY EASTER!!!!" to all of my bloggy friends. I know it's tomorrow, and I plan on taking plenty of pics tomorrow, but in case I don't post, I just wanted to say it.

We don't have a whole lot planned for tomorrow, just church and lunch. Normally we go to church, and then our regular tradition that we began when Jack was a year old is going to a farm about an hour north of where we live and eating lunch/dinner at their restaurant and then going out and feeding the ducks at the lake. Due to $4/gallon gas prices our farm tradition is being put off this year. We've opted for another great restaurant (known for their fabulous crabcakes with hardly any filler!!!!) about 10 minutes from us after church in the morning. And if it is a gorgeous day (it was supposed to be rainy which would have nixed our duck feeding plans anyway), I may just bring a pair of jeans with me for Jack to change into in the van and stop at the playground and let him get out some energy. With any luck he will then want to take a nap with us right?

Poor kid is going to have a rough morning (or his parents will depending on how you look at it) with having to get up at the crack of dawn to go out and find the eggs we'll have hidden tonight before bed so that we can get to 8:15am service. Hey, at least we're not asking him to get up at 5am to be ready for the 6:30am sunrise service right? We shall see. My mom will be going to church and lunch with us, so it should be a nice time.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Do you have any traditions you do every Easter?

Friday, April 22, 2011

Versatile Blogger Award

One of my bloggy friends, Wonder Woman over at Watering Faith's Seed gave me this award, and I feel so special! I've never gotten a blog award before, and I've always wondered what it would take to get one, LOL. So big thanks to her!

Here's how it works:

Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog.

Link back to the person who gave it to you.

Tell 10 things about yourself.

Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they've won!

Ten Things About Me

1. My husband and I met online. We moved in together after about 3 months of dating because we "knew" we'd found the right person (and we worked opposite shifts and it made it hard to see each other otherwise). We were engaged in 11 months, and married 8 months later.

2. I can't stand cauliflower, and brussel sprouts.

3. Even though I love strawberries, they make my stomach hurt, so I try not to eat them too often.

4. I can't stand the taste of beer, but I like some wines.

5. I dread the day when my son is old enough that he doesn't want to smother me in kisses and cuddle with me anymore.

6. My mom says I used to be really sweet as a kid and now I'm more "hard". I tolerate alot less than I used to, but the sweet person is still inside me, the hard shell is more there to protect me. The people who know me well know this best.

7. One of my worst qualities that I continue to work on is that I judge people before I get to know them sometimes. I've made observations about people I work with especially and judged them, only to find out later that I actually really like these people.

8. I used to just ignore mean or rude people, but lately I find myself feeling the need to say something to put them back in their place which can be really dangerous, so I'm working on toning that down.

9. I knew our son was going to be a boy from about 8 weeks into my pregnancy. Just had "a feeling".

10. I was worried about what I would do with a boy when we found out we were definitely pregnant with a boy. I mean, I'm a girl, I can do all the girly things, but what do you do with a boy (we didn't have many on my side of the family)? I found out you just go along with whatever they want to do, and yes, the "boy" things really are ingrained and a nature thing-we kept toys relatively gender neutral but he gravitated towards trains, cars, and trucks, and I found this to be amazing.

And the Versatile Blogger Award goes to:

Jay over at The 2 Week Wait

Krista over at Diary of Taking Small Steps Toward Baby Steps

Angie at Random Thoughts from Angie

St Elsewhere at My Lady of the Lantern

Aly at The Infertility Overacheivers

Britney at Waiting on God

Tracey at Life at Tracey Speed

Penny at A Forever Family

Rachel at Plans Change

Michele at Infertile for the Second Time

Stephanie at Under Construction

Stacy at He Will Carry Me

Kjirstin at Being Still

Lily at Adventures of a Military Family of 8

AnxiousMummyto3 at AnxiousMummy

These awesome ladies are either some of my biggest supporters, bloggy and real life friends, or blogs I just really enjoy following. A few I discovered during our short stent down the adoption road, and some through IComLeavWe, some are friends/family in real life. There are 2 blogs I didn't post on here as I'm not sure they want their blog to be public, and I hope they understand! All are great!

First Reflections

I've gotten through about 12% (according to my Kindle) of Jennifer Saake's book entitled "Hannah's Hope". I've read the bible passages she referenced in the first part of it, and I've read the "Burden Bearers" section meant for people (friends, family, church leaders, etc) supporting those dealing with infertility, loss, failed adoptions, etc. Below are some of the things that stuck out to me, and my reflections on them.

Saake asks at one point in her own experiences, "Would I choose bitterness and self destruction, or growth and renewed hope?" That resonated with me as I remember those dark days after our first failed cycle. I remember the extreme bitterness and depression I was battling. I think I'm difficult to deal with on a regular basis (God bless my husband and mother), but I know that I hated myself after that cycle, and I know it showed to those around me. I was terrified of what I would be like if our third cycle was a failure too. I told myself I had to stay focused on what I do have (a wonderfully supportive family and friends, and a really sweet and adorable little boy), and just keep on living life no matter how difficult that might be. I spoke with my psychiatrist last week about how I try really hard to stay away from the negative thoughts that come into my mind, but sometimes it's so hard to let it go, just like thinking about adoption if all of these cycles fail, but then thinking, I have to focus on "the now". It's so hard to turn off that type of thinking. She suggested something that she had suggested when I first started seeing her years ago and was in a bad depression, and that is that when I start to think these negative thoughts, say, "This is not helpful." And when I was first diagnosed with depression, I remember thinking "this is not helpful, but I can't think of anything else." Maybe I've been trained in how to better manage my depression since then, but my psychiatrist added to it this past week in saying that after I say that to myself, I need to redirect to focusing on the positive. This is tricky for someone like me who is dealing with secondary infertility now. Believe me when I tell you that my son is what makes me want to get up in the morning, who can resist such a sweet voice over the baby monitor (don't laugh, I have a hard time hearing him when I have the fan on in my room and the door closed to keep the dog in)? I am eternally grateful to the precious gift God continues to give us in that little boy of mine. BUT, I also have a very hard time finding a positive to focus on during a cycle that unfortunately, but realistically, may not work. In this case, my doctor suggested focusing on what I have control over. Control is a huge issue for this type A infertile. The problem is that with these cycles, you can only control so much. But she is right. I will focus on what I can control-the vitamins and supplements I am taking, my meds, how much I lay around with my butt in the air on Mother's day weekend (with the exception of going out to lunch with my mom on Sunday!), controlling what I do and do not put into my body (no caffeine!). These are the things I can control. I cannot control whether God will ultimately bless us with another pregnancy. I cannot control whether that pregnancy will result in a healthy full-term baby. I have to learn to give those things over to Him, and in doing that and letting go of what I cannot control, I believe I am growing and having more hope. I am not as bitter as I once was.

Saake talks about her own childhood memories and I find that they are rather similar to my own hopes and dreams I had as a child about becoming a mother. I always wanted to play the "mommy" when my sister and I would play pretend "House". I was always Mommy to my dolls. I remember liking to bring my dolls and strap them into the seat next to me in the car, and even dressing my cat-Toby-in infant onesies (seriously I have a picture somewhere to prove it, poor cat). These little fantasies didn't stop as I got older. I knew that the kids in the Early Childhood classes in high school got to carry around "flour babies" and so I signed up for that class, and my cabbage patch from my younger days got a sack of flour taped around his plush body, my mom took me to a consignment store to get some outfits for him, and I carried him around with me as my class called for (everywhere you could and if you couldn't take it with you, you'd better have a babysitter!) for a few weeks and most of the time loved it. His name was Austin Michael-no joke, I still remember this, LOL. The only really embarassing moment is that I must have played the part pretty well because some older woman was interested in seeing this (and by this, I mean ME) 16 year old girl's baby in the grocery store, and I didn't want to undo the blanket, show her and have to explain it. My mother was with me and I remember feeling REALLY awkward, and then my mom (who I fully expected to step in and explain our school project) said, "Go ahead, show her." I couldn't wait for the day when someone really would be interested in seeing my REAL live baby. The scary part was that as excited as I was about this role I'd one day play, I always worried. I worried I'd get divorced like my parents and be single and have to get artificially inseminated and raise a child on my own. I remember feeling like something just wouldn't be easy about having a child for me. I would watch the lifetime movies and see the people being surrogates for their close friends and not realizing just how huge a decision that would be, and all the legal and emotional matters surrounding that decision, but thinking that I would so do that for someone else, and wondering would someone do it for me if I needed that? I didn't know at that point that I had endometriosis, but I did know that I had really heavy, painful periods and it worried me. I didn't know for sure that we would have issues, but it was really eerie when we were diagnosed with all of our issues, and I realized that I'd always thought having a baby would be an issue for me.

The other thing that Saake suggests in the beginning part of the book is to "list your fears about your family as it is currently designed, then ask the Lord to help you trust him with your worries." I have prayed and asked for Him to help us continue to grow our family because I fear that we won't be able to have any more children. I've asked Him to protect our son and continue to give us so many more days and moments together because one of my biggest fears is that we will lose him (I don't think it helps to be a nurse who works with children who sometimes don't make it). I've asked Him to protect our marriage because I know how much of a toll the emotional part of infertility can take on a relationship, and how much the drugs make me a loon and I fear Archie will want to leave. I've asked Him not to give us more than we can handle emotionally, financially or physically. I've asked Him to continue to provide for us in the ways that only He can, and to help me give up the control on the things that are solely in His control. These are the things I pray for on a regular basis for our family.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

IM Shots VS. Suppositories and Pills

I updated my last post on my new android touch phone that I'm not entirely convinced I like-I think it's just growing pains as I've never had a touch phone or a smartphone. Go figure.

Anyway, I was frustrated so I didn't finish my post. I forgot to ask my nurse why we were doing estrogen and progesterone shots this time vs. estrogen pills and progesterone suppositories. To be honest, I was asking for this to be changed since the shots don't really bother me and they are only once a day (well the progesterone is anyway once we get there) and the estrogen is every 3 days, I was just curious. I totally forgot to ask when my nurse called me as I was at another IF friend's house and 3 of us IF'ers (why does that sound like a bad word, LOL?) were talking about our "issues". One of them (thanks K!) asked me if I'd ever asked about that, and so I called my nurse right back while it was on my mind.

She told me that in a fresh IVF cycle, you make your own estrogen and progesterone (and evidently according to her, I make LOTS of it) and they are just supplementing during that time, whereas with a FET cycle, they are supplying all of it to your body, so they like to be able to be more conservative and know the absorption rate more precisely, thus the IM shots. It's fine with me. I also found out that if I do get pregnant, I get to not only stay on the progesterone shots until at least 10 weeks (last time we got pregnant it was 12), but I also get to stay on the estrogen shots every 3 days-woohoo!!!! (eye roll here) I'm not complaining, believe me, I'll take that and the morning sickness (aka all day sickness) I had with Jack if it means we can have another child.

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and she thinks it's early for me to be seeing a therapist to deal with the IF/grieving issues, however, I want to be prepared with a number in hand, not spending days trying to track someone down. So after our beta, I will make a phone call and get the process rolling if the need arises. I am glad she didn't think my med needed to be adjusted as I'm on the lowest dose and when I'm not in the middle of cycles, I'm generally pretty stable with my moods and my sleep patterns, but in the last few months sleep hasn't come easily to me (I either can't shut my brain off, or I keep waking up) and I've been really irritable (sorry to my mom, sister, and dear husband!) and more difficult than normal. I really am sorry for that and I do try to control it as best I can, but sometimes I just can't. As if the guilt of the jealous feelings isn't enough, I have the guilt of being nasty to the ones closest to me. Not good. My psychiatrist says that infertility is one of the things her patients find hardest to deal with in normal activities and it is all consuming and that I need to realize that it's really stressful and believe me, I realize it, but I also don't like the way it makes me (a little loony maybe?!?!?). I mentioned adoption as it has been on my mind and she tells me I have enough on my plate at the moment, worry about that bridge when and IF I come to it. I know that, but I can't help but think about it sometimes...those stupid what if's!

God has a plan for us and I know this. I just started reading a book called "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake and it builds on the story of Hannah in the Bible, includes the author's own experiences with infertility (primary and secondary), loss, and failed adoptions. She has been through it all. It scares me some, I already see parallels between her and myself. From a very young age, we both wanted to be mothers, she suffered primary infertility as did we, had morning sickness all throughout her first pregnancy (as did I), and suffered from secondary infertility just as we are now. She also went down the road of adoption and while she got alot further than we did last time, it scares me to think about what might be around the corner, but I won't think about that now. I will say that I've gone through her first couple of chapters and I'm already hooked and finding it inspirational. A few things have jumped out at me already and I'll post more about that soon, but if you're in my boat and reading this and you have faith, it might be worth your time to pick this book up and read it. It is available on Kindle which is how I am currently reading it.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 2 FET #1

Everything looked good on ultrasound and with my bloodwork today. I will start my del estrogen shots tonight-4mg every 3rd night for 5 doses. Next appt is April 28th and if my lining looks good then I will start my progesterone on May 1st and continue the estrogen every 3 days until my beta at least (if I am pregnant then the shots will continue until about 12 weeks). If my lining is not ready then I will continue the estrogen every 3 days until it is ready and start the progesterone 6 days prior to transfer.
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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 1 of FET #1

Just thought I'd announce that ;) I have to admit that I got excited when I knew that today was the day AF would officially arrive as that would mean that I'd be able to go to get my u/s and bloodwork Saturday without a cute boy to accompany me and thus be aware of what we're doing AGAIN. I have to admit I was also excited not to have to get him (ok and myself) up even earlier on a school day to drag him into my appointment before taking him to school (their latest appointments are 7:45am and he has to be at school at 8:20am). And then I realized that unlike my other IVF appointments, this appointment is supposed to be on day 2...which would be tomorrow...which would also be a school day. Crap. Such is life right?

I'm not sure I'll post tomorrow. It's just a baseline appointment, so I'm guessing they're going to check my lining (which would be pretty pointless when you're shedding it right?) and maybe my baseline labs? Well, obviously I haven't found a whole lot of info about this, so maybe I will post it so that others who are curious how their FET may be different from their IVF cycle can have a starting point and a clue. I'll be honest, I looked quite a bit when we decided we were going to go ahead with the FET now, but after becoming overwhelmed with the lack of day 6 FET stories out there, I stopped. I figured it was because maybe there weren't many successful ones, and I just had to get away from those negative thoughts. So, maybe someone searching about day 6 FET's will stumble upon my site, and at least they will be able to have one complete FET to look at for a day 6 blast. Regardless of the outcome, it's better than the "0" I found for completed day 6's out there (maybe day 6 transfers are pretty new like day 5's were a few years back). I pray it's positive so I can share that success and hope with others!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

A Clearer Picture

Ha! You thought I had posted more pictures of those cute foster pups didn't you? Nope, not this time. I'm posting to let you know that I spoke with my nurse and I have a clearer picture of what this cycle is going to look like for us. This is exciting for someone like me who needs that darn "plan".

My last pill is tomorrow (I'm posting this at 2 in the morning, so Sunday). I will wait for my lovely period to show up, and that of course will be day 1. On day 2, I'm to go in and have an ultrasound and bloodwork for my baseline. Provided everything is looking as it should, Archie will get to take out his frustrations with me in the form of an IM shot. Lucky me (I'll be watching it from here on out, LOL). So, estrogen shots will hopefully start that night and he'll give them to me every 3 days x 5 doses-so about a 15 day span which will put us around the 26th being the last shot. I will go in around the 28th/29th for another ultrasound and bloodwork, check my uterine lining, blah blah blah, and if everything looks good at that point, Archie will start giving me daily progesterone shots in prep for the embryo transfer the following Friday, May 6th.

I am praying this works. I've prayed that I don't have to face "being done". That said, I feel more optimistic at this point that we wil be ok, regardless of what happens. It's funny, the last cycle I went into it being terrified of getting pregnant with twins (I know what life is like with one baby, I can only imagine two!), working out childcare, work, etc., and part way through it, I swear only by the grace of God, I just felt at peace with it. We would get through it, God wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle, and He doesn't set us up for failure. I had a plan (sort of) in place for work and childcare in the event that He blessed us with two more children. I felt comfortable with whatever He gave us, or didn't give us as the case would be. Was it still a shock to me when it didn't work? Absolutely because the cycle had gone so darn well. But you'll also notice that while I was upset for a good week or so, it dissipated, which I also believe was God's doing, just providing me that peace. So yes, I'm praying so hard that this works. But if it doesn't, we may have another cycle, and if that doesn't pan out, God will lead us another way, whether it be adoption, or whether we close this chapter of our lives. And it WILL be ok. We will be ok.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Gearing Up for FET#1

I called our financial coordinator today to make sure all bills/copays/etc. were paid up and ready to go since my baseline appointment is late next week. I got some good news, I think. I expected to have a bill for about $400 to cover my storage for my embryos and 3 copays for office visits I hadn't yet received a bill for. I also expected to have a $1000 copay. When I talked to her yesterday she said she only saw that I owed $530 (obviously doesn't match any of my numbers right?) and she didn't want to take any money for things I may not actually owe. Go figure, neither of us could get through yesterday or today to the billing department to get things sorted out. How can a very reputable fertility clinic like this one get away with NO ONE answering their phones in the billing department for two days straight? Anyway, I digress.

So I did catch up with her late today and we owe the $405, and supposedly we only owe $530 for the thawing of our embryos because our insurance doesn't cover that. I think it's odd that they will cover the cryopreservation, but not the thawing, however, the first is ALOT more expensive, so I'll take it. So, no copay is due which means we saved a little money and that is great news! The other great news is that if for some reason we run out of embryos or they have to thaw more than the initial two embryos to get a total of two to put back and we don't store any after this cycle, our storage fee will be refunded. So that's awesome. She, for some strange reason, thought we were putting back all of our embryos. For a second I thought, hmmm, not a bad idea. And then I realized it's a REALLY bad idea. HELLO JEN! I may not get pregnant putting two back at a time, but if I put 4 back at once, I'd be pregnant with at least 4 babies-that is my luck people. I'll take my chances with two at a time. I wouldn't want a pregnancy that might cost me the babies I've prayed for, nor do I want it to possibly cost me my own life.

In other news, I dropped everything off for my first consignment sale today and I'm excited. They have over 70,000 items registered for sale, and over 500 consignors and they said that this is the largest sale they have ever had. The place is huge, and admittedly, I felt overwhelmed volunteering there today. I am volunteering again tomorrow, but the only other sale I've volunteered at I thought was pure madness when they open their doors, and I have a funny feeling I haven't seen anything yet. My big item that I took today was my bike trailer, and I already had another volunteer oogling over it, so I hope it goes and I don't have to take it back home. The only other big thing I took (size wise) was a plastic desk and chair set I had bought for Jack and I don't think I'll be bringing that back home either. Everything else was smaller toys, toy sets, and clothes/shoes, etc. I'm hoping I sell most of it, and if not, they're having another sale late July!

My baseline appointment is supposed to be next Thursday or Friday and I'm really looking forward to that simply because I have no idea when I'm supposed to start the estrogen and progesterone injections and I'm ready for answers on that.

Oh yeah, just a little snapshot or two of what else has been keeping our family busy since Sunday and will continue to keep us busy through at least the middle of next week...

Bumble, a very shy little 8 week old girl who loves her brother, but isn't so sure she likes people yet. We're working on forcing this on her since she WILL NOT come to us on her own.

Bonkers, her brother was very shy on night one, but he will come to us now, and has decided people are kind of nice. He plays like crazy, and Bonkers is a very suitable name for him. He cracks me up because when he tries to play now, he pounces like a cat.

NO we are not keeping these puppies. We foster for our state's SPCA and mainly we take puppies or younger dogs who need socialization or just some TLC-some are severely emaciated, some are very shy, and some just need to learn that humans are ok. Between the sale and these two, I should be kept pretty busy until my appointment next week. :-)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Not Much To Tell

There's not too much going on in my part of the blogosphere, hence, the lack of posts. I remain on BCP's, and will for about another week. Wow, to be honest, I kept April 10th in my mind as the last day for my pill, but it's just now that I realized that it's only a week away. I guess that is when this proverbial show will start. I'm so glad to know that it's only a week left. I have had breakthrough bleeding most of my time on the pills this time around, and I'm ready for that to be done.

I can't say that I feel optimistic about this cycle, but I do still have hope that things will work for us. I made a big decision, but you'll probably laugh. I decided to let go of some of Jack's old things and sell them. Not the baby gear like crib, strollers, carseats (the ones that aren't expired), carriers, etc., but like some of his old clothes, toys he wasn't into, an awesome bike trailer meant to pull two kids behind us that we used once, etc.

I have 137 things listed for sale at a consignment sale next week in our area, and I'm hoping this will go into replacing the car funds we had set aside for Archie that we had to tap into for this FET. I did secretly think to myself that maybe getting rid of some of this stuff would push us into the good luck side. You know, "get rid of everything and THEN you'll get pregnant" type deal. Just like it should have been when we bought our house-I heard this comment "First get the house, then the kids will come." Right, that worked out beautifully without the major interventions thanks to modern science.

I'm afraid to sell everything including "the big stuff", but I also feel like I can't just keep my house cluttered with things we may never use again either. And on the flip side of that, if we ended up pregnant with twins next year, I guess we'd find ourselves up a creek without a paddle instead of a little ahead of the game with having to buy two sets of cribs, sheets, carseats, etc. It's a hard decision to make, but I feel like I've made progress by getting rid of some things. That said, I did do this logically-I didn't just grab all of his old Spring/Summer clothes and start labeling them for sale. I saved a few staples in case there ever is another little boy-jean shorts, khaki shorts, button down shirts, and I saved almost all of Jack's old Gymbo clothes since I LOVE Gymboree stuff, and I'm just not ready to part with that, you know..."in case".

I thought I was going to have a meltdown getting rid of Jack's old infant carseat. It was like a battle of my senses at the time with the one part of my brain saying, "I can't believe you're getting rid of it." The other side saying, "For real? Are you kidding me? What are you going to do with it, keep it until he's grown?" It expires in May of this year (they're only good for 5 years, base too) and well, there was no shot that I or anyone else would be able to use it again. I wish I could have kept it, but why? For purely sentimental reasons obviously. Archie told me I could keep part of it-"keep something like a screw from it or something" which just wasn't going to cut it for me, although I did think about cutting some of the fabric from it, but I just wanted to take it to the dump with our old dresser and be done with worrying about it. It matches a stroller I have (which made me wonder if we have another kid, will anyone make fun of me for pushing around a mismatched stroller/carseat combo?), so I guess if all else fails, I'll cut a piece of the stroller fabric before I get rid of that. I don't know.

I don't expect that getting rid of some cute clothes, toys, and sports equipment will magically get us pregnant. I do continue to pray for another miracle. And if it doesn't happen, well, we have more room to store things, and when the fall comes, I may just sell everything. We MAY have two embryos left at that point (if the first two survive the thawing process) and plan to do another cycle when we get our taxes back next year, but I feel like I lose more hope each time a cycle fails, and I just don't know where my head and heart will be if this cycle is unsuccessful. As it is, I've already found myself being afraid to even go to a friend's wife's baby shower. I don't really know her anyway, just what my friend has told me about her. It's a reminder for me of what I can't have, and as selfish and shallow as it sounds, I'm just not in a place where I feel like I can be as supportive as I'd like to be, and for that reason I feel like it's best for me and them if I don't go.

So for now, I continue to pray, and continue to hope for our second miracle. Hopefully I'll talk to my nurse in the next week and have a date set up for my baseline appointment which should probably be late next week. Hope you all have a great week!