Sunday, April 3, 2011

Not Much To Tell

There's not too much going on in my part of the blogosphere, hence, the lack of posts. I remain on BCP's, and will for about another week. Wow, to be honest, I kept April 10th in my mind as the last day for my pill, but it's just now that I realized that it's only a week away. I guess that is when this proverbial show will start. I'm so glad to know that it's only a week left. I have had breakthrough bleeding most of my time on the pills this time around, and I'm ready for that to be done.

I can't say that I feel optimistic about this cycle, but I do still have hope that things will work for us. I made a big decision, but you'll probably laugh. I decided to let go of some of Jack's old things and sell them. Not the baby gear like crib, strollers, carseats (the ones that aren't expired), carriers, etc., but like some of his old clothes, toys he wasn't into, an awesome bike trailer meant to pull two kids behind us that we used once, etc.

I have 137 things listed for sale at a consignment sale next week in our area, and I'm hoping this will go into replacing the car funds we had set aside for Archie that we had to tap into for this FET. I did secretly think to myself that maybe getting rid of some of this stuff would push us into the good luck side. You know, "get rid of everything and THEN you'll get pregnant" type deal. Just like it should have been when we bought our house-I heard this comment "First get the house, then the kids will come." Right, that worked out beautifully without the major interventions thanks to modern science.

I'm afraid to sell everything including "the big stuff", but I also feel like I can't just keep my house cluttered with things we may never use again either. And on the flip side of that, if we ended up pregnant with twins next year, I guess we'd find ourselves up a creek without a paddle instead of a little ahead of the game with having to buy two sets of cribs, sheets, carseats, etc. It's a hard decision to make, but I feel like I've made progress by getting rid of some things. That said, I did do this logically-I didn't just grab all of his old Spring/Summer clothes and start labeling them for sale. I saved a few staples in case there ever is another little boy-jean shorts, khaki shorts, button down shirts, and I saved almost all of Jack's old Gymbo clothes since I LOVE Gymboree stuff, and I'm just not ready to part with that, you know..."in case".

I thought I was going to have a meltdown getting rid of Jack's old infant carseat. It was like a battle of my senses at the time with the one part of my brain saying, "I can't believe you're getting rid of it." The other side saying, "For real? Are you kidding me? What are you going to do with it, keep it until he's grown?" It expires in May of this year (they're only good for 5 years, base too) and well, there was no shot that I or anyone else would be able to use it again. I wish I could have kept it, but why? For purely sentimental reasons obviously. Archie told me I could keep part of it-"keep something like a screw from it or something" which just wasn't going to cut it for me, although I did think about cutting some of the fabric from it, but I just wanted to take it to the dump with our old dresser and be done with worrying about it. It matches a stroller I have (which made me wonder if we have another kid, will anyone make fun of me for pushing around a mismatched stroller/carseat combo?), so I guess if all else fails, I'll cut a piece of the stroller fabric before I get rid of that. I don't know.

I don't expect that getting rid of some cute clothes, toys, and sports equipment will magically get us pregnant. I do continue to pray for another miracle. And if it doesn't happen, well, we have more room to store things, and when the fall comes, I may just sell everything. We MAY have two embryos left at that point (if the first two survive the thawing process) and plan to do another cycle when we get our taxes back next year, but I feel like I lose more hope each time a cycle fails, and I just don't know where my head and heart will be if this cycle is unsuccessful. As it is, I've already found myself being afraid to even go to a friend's wife's baby shower. I don't really know her anyway, just what my friend has told me about her. It's a reminder for me of what I can't have, and as selfish and shallow as it sounds, I'm just not in a place where I feel like I can be as supportive as I'd like to be, and for that reason I feel like it's best for me and them if I don't go.

So for now, I continue to pray, and continue to hope for our second miracle. Hopefully I'll talk to my nurse in the next week and have a date set up for my baseline appointment which should probably be late next week. Hope you all have a great week!


  1. I think its smart to know your boundaries and not to subject yourself to the pain of going to a baby shower if that's all it will bring you. I felt that way about a few church baby showers I was invited to during the months after my losses and I think it was the right thing for me not to go. Praying for you!

  2. I totally understand!! I have 2 huge tupperwares full of preemie clothing which I will never use again (even in the extremely unlikely event that I ever become pregnant again, the chances of having another girl preemie are slim), but I went through them to try to get rid of them and could not part with a single item. Just holding those clothes made me cry. They are in the basement storage for now, and I may never get rid of them, unless I have a close friend who needs preemie girl clothes. Sometimes sentimental value wins over financial value. :)

    Do you know what you plan to sell your bike trailer for? I have a friend looking for one that holds 2 kids.

    Thinking of you and praying for you as this next cycle approaches. Love!