Confession

So I have to admit something. I am really irritated and just have to spill it. This blog is not private, I know that. I know that my family and friends read it. Sometimes I censor what I say for whatever reason, whether it be not to hurt someone, not to have all of our business hanging out there, or just because the thoughts in my head are not ones that I should, could, or need to share. Heck, sometimes I don't share because I know that certain people read it and I don't want to hear what they have to say. Ha! The joke is on me, because there are some people in everyone's life who will tell you things you don't want to hear. They are brave, and they know you well, and well, that person in my life is my mom. I love her, but sometimes I don't want to hear what she has to say. She knows it, believe me, it's nothing new.

We didn't just start talking about finances. My mother saw my blog post where I had mentioned we were going to try IUI if our RE was ok with it after testing, etc. I got an email from her with her unsolicited opinion (hi mom!, I know, you wouldn't be doing your job as a mom if you didn't tell me...I sort of appreciate that...SORT OF) about getting my house in order, finances in order, etc., and thinking that my husband would back me up and say, "why does she have to butt in?" showed him the email instead of keeping it to myself. This is where it all started. He said to me, "She's right." Damnit. Don't you think I know she is right? That is NOT the point. The point is, I want another baby, you want another baby, Jack wants a "baby sister", and according to Dr. M, my egg quality had greatly declined in the 3 years between our first IVF cycle and our last. I don't care if she is right!!!!!!!!!

I love my mother, she is one of my confidantes and best friends. I did not take her email the wrong way, I know she is trying to help and keep me out of trouble in more ways than one, but I am not dealing well with this. The plan to pay off our credit cards is great in theory, but I haven't gotten an agency shift in over a month, and haven't gotten overtime from work in over 3 weeks. I admit that it is a smart move. Our house is 23 years old and our heat pump is original, my husband's car isn't going to last much longer, etc. But, where is the money to pay off the stupid credit cards supposed to come from??!?!? I am frustrated, I am looking into doing phone triage for pediatricians from home, but still waiting for more info on that, and in the meantime, I continue to look for shifts to pick up. Archie talks about getting a second job, but doing what? And making what? Minimum wage? What's the point? He'd have to work so many hours to make it worth it, and then what happens to family time or time for him to sleep? I even picked up an application for Gymboree the other day, and let's be real, they pay minimum wage, and to be honest, they would be getting their money back because I would have to buy all the cute stuff for Jack. So really, no point.

What are the chances that an IUI would work? Who the hell knows, but I know that IVF was our best chance to get pregnant again. It isn't IVF. I also know that we could do 4 cycles and have every last one not work, and then we're in no better position than we are right this minute financially. We're also in no worse position. If it works, well, that would be great news, but financially it might be harder if I'm sick like I was with Jack because the overtime might be really hard to do. Or it could be easier if I'm getting IV fluids. Who knows. I just know that I'm not even 30 yet, my eggs are crap, and let's be honest, I want what I want and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my eggs.

That is my confession. My nice little ICLW post made it sound like it's a great plan, I've got it all together, etc., but I'm not handling it quite as pretty as that. I'm not happy about it, I can't find a solution, and I'm driving myself (and in a few hours, my husband when he gets home from work) crazy. I need help!!!!