Not Much to Say

I've been laying low the last couple of days, just trying to enjoy THIS. I have no idea what we'll hear or see tomorrow, but I can tell you that I hope it is a little bean nestled in comfortably with that little heart just fluttering away. Part of me is afraid to go to the appointment. I'm afraid that it will replay like the first part of my L&D trip last week and that they won't be able to see things that were there a week ago. I cried on the way into work last night thinking about it, and then decided I needed to buck up and try to be optimistic.

My sister was all worried the other day because we hadn't told her and she was afraid for us that we would lose this baby. It wasn't that I didn't want her to know or to worry, I just posted on here, told Archie, my mom and a few close friends. To be honest, I thought my mom would tell her, but she didn't probably because she thought I'd told her already. I told her that I'm doing everything in my control to keep anything bad from happening, but there are things in life we can't control. I've told her that I'm very nauseous (which as much as it sucks still isn't as bad as it was with Jack, and let's face it, it's reassuring at this point when I can't feel a baby move and I don't have a bump yet), that I'm praying, I've got friends (IRL and on here!) praying for us, and we just have to trust that everything will be ok. She said she felt better after hearing me say that (probably helps that I seemed optimistic), and that she's got people praying for us too.

We got the shirt in the mail that we'd ordered for Jack for when we do tell him. I haven't written the letter to him from the baby yet. I'm struggling with this. Archie reminded me on the way out the door tonight to write it so that if everything goes well tomorrow we can give it to Jack. I know I have to write it. In a way I feel like writing it may jinx it (I know, not likely, but it can't help but cross my mind), and to be honest, if we go in tomorrow and everything isn't ok, I will think about this letter. I will think about missing the opportunity to be able to give it to Jack and see his reaction.

I vascillate between these emotions of hope and fear. I just told you about the fearful emotion, but just Thursday I told Jack that his old teacher at his old school is pregnant and showed him the ultrasound picture she'd posted on facebook. I pointed out the head and belly, and he asked where the baby's arms were. I told him sometimes with those pictures it's hard to see everything but I was sure the baby had arms. He said he wished we had a baby. As Jack hid in the pantry (his norm when I'm getting my progesterone shot), I looked at Archie and asked if we could please tell him, it would make his day. He said, "Friday." I knew it was smarter to wait until Friday, just to make sure, but in that moment, I just wanted to tell him about it.

God, I hope tomorrow goes well. It's a really good thing I'm working tonight and will be too tired tomorrow to stay awake all day worrying. I'll only have to worry myself on our way up there and into the room, then we'll know what's going on.