Good Intentions

I had perfectly good intentions of posting for Father's Day on here. However, I was feeling really crappy, but we had a relatively nice day. We went to church where I almost embarassed myself in the parking lot by throwing up. You see, Archie was running late for church (as usual), and came out in flip flops. He then changed into his dress shoes, and as we were getting out of the car, I said something smelled awful, but thought it was something hidden in the brush near where we'd parked. When we came out from church, and I opened the door, the smell overwhelmed me and I was gagging and saying that horrific smell was coming from my car! I looked to see what was in there that hadn't been when I originally got into the van that morning, and picked up Archie's flip flops to smell them. Oh yeah, that was it, they got put into the church dumpster right then and there while I threatened to throw up in the parking lot. Archie couldn't even smell the stench until he put the shoes up to his nose, but evidently, my pregnancy nose is in overdrive. Lovely.

I continued with my sour stomach at the mall (Jack thought Daddy needed a new hat and new flip flops for Father's Day), and then on our way to lunch with my in-laws. When we got to the restaurant, Jack and I both needed to use the restroom, so I took him with me. Well, when we walked into the restroom, I noticed a musty smell. I brought my shirt up to cover my nose as I was already starting to wretch, but it didn't work. And I had a full bladder. Yup, threw up in the toilet, and thank goodness I had on a pantiliner, because I went myself too. Damn. Then when I went to flush Jack's toilet (he's always afraid it will be loud), I threw up again. I did manage to eat a little lunch, but felt like crud the rest of the day.

Feeling like crud has become my norm. If I'm not nauseous, then I am either wretching, or darn close to it. This hasn't been good because it means I'm snacking (usually on crackers) throughout the day and I'm probably eating one full meal a day (and pared down at that because I can't fill my stomach up like I was when I wasn't pregnant, or I'm running to the toilet). As far as drinking goes, it's either water or ginger ale. Sprite isn't sitting well these days, and to be honest, in a good day where I'm just nauseous, I'm on a steady diet of ginger ale, some water, and tums because fluids just seem to cause me to have bad indigestion which of course, isn't good when you already feel like you're going to be sick. So, my normal fluid intake in a day is about 2 cans of ginger ale, and usually about a 17 oz bottle of water, unless I'm at work when I might take in 20 oz of water if I'm feeling pretty good and it's not talking back.

I called my urologist on Wednesday because I wanted to let him know about the amount of water vs. ginger ale, and make sure that the amount of ginger ale I'm drinking counted towards my fluid intake. He wants water, without all the added sugar. He asked how long I've been drinking like that and I told him probably about 2 weeks. I was trying not to call him as I have an appointment with him in a few more weeks, and with my OB next week, and I could tell from my skin that I wasn't "dehydrated", and I certainly wasn't as sick as I was with Jack. He called me back at 4pm and wanted me to get a PICC line put in to keep my fluid status up so I'm not making stones, and in order to do that, I needed to make 3 liters of urine a day, which I won't be with 32 ounces of fluid intake a day. He called the doc covering for my OB (who is on vacation this week) and was up in arms about what he wants. The other OB called me and said she'd rather have me come into L&D and get tanked up with 3-4 liters of fluid and some iv zofran (I threw up 4 times on Wednesday, but that was the first time since Father's Day), and see how I feel in the morning and go from there. I told her that was fine, and thus, found myself admitted for 24 hours. I was sent home last night after they set up home health to come and put in IV's to give me fluids on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The original plan was to have someone come as needed on days when I'm not making enough urine, but none of the home care agencies thought they'd be able to staff well enough to guarantee someone would be able to come out to start an IV and tank me up. So, today is supposed to be my first appointment (however, I have yet to hear from anyone about a time, and am waiting for them to open so I can ask what the plan is) for a liter of fluids before I go into work. The hospital sent me home with my IV still in, and some saline to flush the line with in the hopes that I wouldn't have to be stuck again, and then I'll just pull the line myself before I head into work. This will work out well at the times when I'm not working the nights between home care appointments because it means as long as I keep the line patent, they won't have to stick me again.

I have no idea the plan for how long this is going to continue, I assume it will continue until I can take in enough fluids myself to keep my urine output up and stones away. I imagine that my secret at work will be out shortly because between the tape marks (you know how it gets dirty around the edges and isn't easy to get off the skin) and needing IV sticks (which will leave little scabs resembling track marks probably), the jig will be up. Oh well, I'm almost 10 weeks and if I can't keep it quiet until 12, then now is just as well I guess.

8 weeks 5 days-Last u/s and Graduation

The last ultrasound with the RE's office was today. The baby is still measuring a day ahead (it's measuring 8 weeks 6 days), and the heartrate was 168! We couldn't get as clear pictures as we did the other day, the doc said the baby wasn't cooperating. And so it begins, I knew my second child would be like this, LOL. Just kidding.

Jack went with us. He liked hearing the heartbeat. I gave him the pictures when the doc printed them out, and Jack kissed them. Then we went in and met with the nurse who would give me instructions for weaning off of my medications at 12 weeks. Jack proudly announced to her that HE was going to be a BIG BROTHER!

It was funny, but very cute. I'm trying not to update as often in an effort to be a little more sensitive to my IF friends who are still struggling with their journey.

I have been nauseated more times than not, and I've thrown up a few times this week. Jack worries about me when I do that. He asks if I'm ok. He says that's not nice of the baby. Today I explained to him that it's not the baby's fault so much as it is the hormones that you have when you have a baby in your tummy. I told him some people are just more sensitive to it than others. He tells me that he shouldn't have made me sick when he was a baby and I tell him that I don't blame him for making me sick, just like I don't blame this one for making me sick. It's just how it is. He tells me each time I am bowing to the porcelain god that he hopes I'll feel better soon. Thank God for this sweet boy.

Tonight he informed me that he wants A LOT of babies. I told him he will have to just settle for one because I think we're done after this one. If a miracle happened that didn't require us to have treatment, we'd embrace that, but I can't see us going through this again anytime soon.

So, we're officially released from the RE. My first OB appointment is July 1. It's going to be a long 2 weeks!

3rd Ultrasound Results-7 weeks 5 days

I am happy to report that we have one strong bean growing in there. Unlike Jack at this point, the baby is growing a little ahead of schedule (measuring in at 8 weeks this time), where Jack was a little behind schedule by a couple of days. I think it's interesting because while I'm nauseous most of the time with this pregnancy, at this point in my pregnancy with Jack I was throwing up 5-6 times a day. I have yet to do it this pregnancy, but yesterday I came damn close a couple of times.

The baby's heartbeat is clocking in at 153 beats per minute which is perfect. We told Jack yesterday afternoon, and didn't quite get the response we were expecting given as much as he's been talking/asking about a baby, but hey, he's four. Despite not getting the reaction we expected, you could tell he was excited by the way he was bouncing off walls at our celebration dinner last night, and the questions that kept coming about the baby, the constant attempts to kiss the baby through my tummy, etc. throughout the evening. So what I will share on video of me reading the letter "from the baby", and Jack opening his first big brother gift is only the tip of the iceberg. When Archie turned the camera off, Jack was more excited. Guess he felt pressure with the camera on.

Our doc did look to see if he could see a reason for the spotting. He found an area at the bottom of my uterus where he said may be causing it, but that everything around the baby, where the placenta seemed to be starting, etc., all seemed ok and intact. So I can't be happier about that, the spotting seems to just be an annoyance vs. a problem.

Our first OB appointment I explained in a previous post, I had scheduled for this coming Wednesday expecting to be released from the RE. I will have one more ultrasound next Friday at 11:30am and if everything is good, I'll "graduate" as my RE put it, to our OB. The OB's office was closed when we left our ultrasound yesterday, so I'll have to call Monday to reschedule.

Here is the video. And by the way, after the camera was off, he did put the shirt on.

And just so you know, the cat isn't out of the bag at work yet still. I'm still not posting the news to facebook either. I figure when I throw up at work, or it becomes obvious, they'll know. Maybe I can keep it quiet at work until the first trimester is over at least. We'll see.

Not Much to Say

I've been laying low the last couple of days, just trying to enjoy THIS. I have no idea what we'll hear or see tomorrow, but I can tell you that I hope it is a little bean nestled in comfortably with that little heart just fluttering away. Part of me is afraid to go to the appointment. I'm afraid that it will replay like the first part of my L&D trip last week and that they won't be able to see things that were there a week ago. I cried on the way into work last night thinking about it, and then decided I needed to buck up and try to be optimistic.

My sister was all worried the other day because we hadn't told her and she was afraid for us that we would lose this baby. It wasn't that I didn't want her to know or to worry, I just posted on here, told Archie, my mom and a few close friends. To be honest, I thought my mom would tell her, but she didn't probably because she thought I'd told her already. I told her that I'm doing everything in my control to keep anything bad from happening, but there are things in life we can't control. I've told her that I'm very nauseous (which as much as it sucks still isn't as bad as it was with Jack, and let's face it, it's reassuring at this point when I can't feel a baby move and I don't have a bump yet), that I'm praying, I've got friends (IRL and on here!) praying for us, and we just have to trust that everything will be ok. She said she felt better after hearing me say that (probably helps that I seemed optimistic), and that she's got people praying for us too.

We got the shirt in the mail that we'd ordered for Jack for when we do tell him. I haven't written the letter to him from the baby yet. I'm struggling with this. Archie reminded me on the way out the door tonight to write it so that if everything goes well tomorrow we can give it to Jack. I know I have to write it. In a way I feel like writing it may jinx it (I know, not likely, but it can't help but cross my mind), and to be honest, if we go in tomorrow and everything isn't ok, I will think about this letter. I will think about missing the opportunity to be able to give it to Jack and see his reaction.

I vascillate between these emotions of hope and fear. I just told you about the fearful emotion, but just Thursday I told Jack that his old teacher at his old school is pregnant and showed him the ultrasound picture she'd posted on facebook. I pointed out the head and belly, and he asked where the baby's arms were. I told him sometimes with those pictures it's hard to see everything but I was sure the baby had arms. He said he wished we had a baby. As Jack hid in the pantry (his norm when I'm getting my progesterone shot), I looked at Archie and asked if we could please tell him, it would make his day. He said, "Friday." I knew it was smarter to wait until Friday, just to make sure, but in that moment, I just wanted to tell him about it.

God, I hope tomorrow goes well. It's a really good thing I'm working tonight and will be too tired tomorrow to stay awake all day worrying. I'll only have to worry myself on our way up there and into the room, then we'll know what's going on.

Update

Emotionally I'm feeling better about the whole spotting/cramping bit. It's been on and off since Thursday, currently on, and it's not getting any worse. Stress isn't good for me or the pregnancy, so at this point, I'm ignoring it unless something significant happens, and just going about my day. At home I'm still trying to lay and around chill (i.e.-be lazy) as much as possible, and at work, I'm trying not to let the screamers get me frazzled, and to sit in the chair as much as they'll allow me.

I figure it this way. Besides doing what I'm already doing, I have no control over the outcome of this. I pray that it's God's plan to give us a healthy, hopefully full-term baby in about 33 more weeks, but if it's not, then it was for a reason. I don't have to know that reason, I just have to trust that it's what was best for us right now and that He knows this.

Friday can't come soon enough. My awesome mom is going to get off work early to pick Jack up from his last day of school and take him swimming. She figures it gives her time to spend with her boy, and if God forbid we get bad news on Friday, she can keep him, give him dinner and play with him which will give us a few hours to just be together and process (get our shit together) before we bring him home. I'll be honest, I'm terrified to go Friday, but I'm really glad Archie will be with me this time.

Threatened Miscarriage

Yup, sounds ominous right? Well, I've been having some light brown spotting on and off for about the last week or so when I go to the bathroom and I can see it on my pantiliner. It's about the size of a nickel or a little larger most of the time, and it's not everyday that I see it, and on the days that I do see it, it's like one time during that day. I decided not to worry about it, brown means old, probably implantation spotting that never came out. Thursday night at work, I went to the bathroom around 9pm. Saw the quarter-sized spot on my pantiliner and thought nothing of it again. Around midnight, I started with some mild cramping, like I get before my period comes, but nothing like it is during my period. I ignored it. I went to the bathroom around 1:30am and found more brown spotting, and this time when I wiped, there was more and it was funny looking.

I went back to my room, and of course, googled it. I know, I shouldn't have done that. I read mixed things about it-it was either ok and very common, or, that it's "how my miscarriage started only to go on and turn pink and bright red". Lovely. So, what did I do, but start to panic. I called and left my nurse a message. I've not yet been released to my OB, so I couldn't call them, and I felt stupid calling the on-call doctor for the RE's practice and waking them in the middle of the night for something that if "it" was happening, they really wouldn't be able to do anything about at 2am anyway. I was hoping my nurse would call me early in the AM and I could be seen for an ultrasound to check on things.

As I sat and got more panicked, my friend came in and I lost it. I was crying and obviously upset. She suggested I just go up to our L&D unit and get checked because it would be at least another 6 hours before I could talk to my nurse, and it was only going to bother me more. She was right. So we went upstairs, and lovely friend that she is stayed with me most of the time (I had texted Archie a couple of times, but he had yet to respond to my texts). They got me checked in, drew a CBC, HCG, and a type and cross (I guess in case I needed blood). The resident came in to do an ultrasound. My friend waited on the other side of the curtain to give me my privacy. My nurse was 27 weeks pregnant and told me that of her 3 pregnancies she had brown spotting with two of them-one she miscarried, but this one was just fine. I could have lived without hearing about the miscarried one. The resident kept looking and looking and looking. It wasn't reassuring. She called the fellow in, and he looked and looked, and said, well, we see a gestational sac, but not yolk sac and no fetus. I was crying. The nurse and resident told me not to cry, it may just be too early. I told them at 6 weeks and 5 days, they are telling me that they can't see a fetus which might be ok, but to tell me that you don't see a yolk sac that was clearly there last week is not normal, and no it's not just too early. I felt like saying I wasn't born yesterday, but I just shut my mouth. My friend texted me comforting words. I still had yet to hear from Archie and I'd been in L&D for an hour and a half already.

I told them that my last ultrasound I had a completely empty bladder and since I'd been waiting for this one, maybe I just needed to relieve myself and then they could check again. The resident again couldn't find a hole in the wall and called the fellow. The resident hadn't put the ultrasound probe in far enough or angled it correctly. The fellow found the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the fetus (which resembled a grain of rice). They said they saw cardiac activity and kept saying, "Don't you see that fluttering?" They didn't have the screen pointed towards me and there was a glare on what I could see, so I told them I couldn't see anything except the gestational sac and the yolk sac. They had to point out to me what the fetus was on the picture they printed out. They said the baby's heartbeat measured about 130 bpm which is great.

The fellow explained that I am having what they call a "threatened miscarriage" and about 50% of those cases will go on to have normal pregnancies, 50% will miscarry. Great, thanks. He recommended rest, said I was doing everything I could already, said it could just be old from implantation. Our next ultrasound was scheduled for this coming Monday. I talked to my nurse at 6:30am and she said we could keep that appointment or push it back to later in the week, and if we pushed it back we'd probably be able to see more change in the fetus at that point. That's what I really want to see to be reassured that things will be ok, so now our next ultrasound will be Friday at 3:15pm. Archie finally called me at 5am (as did my mom who I'd emailed), and turns out he had left his phone at home. I told him what was going on and he sounded deflated, but didn't really say much else. He wishes I hadn't changed the appointment, but I just felt it was best. I haven't had anymore spotting, but I continue with cramping which is annoying. The cramping is mostly mild with an occassional sharper, stronger cramp mixed in there.

I'm not sure at this point when we'll tell Jack about this pregnancy. The plan had been to tell him after our ultrasound on Monday. After the other night, I was thinking maybe I'd just take him with us to the nuchal translucency ultrasound at 9-11 weeks, but that's longer than we'd originally wanted to wait. Maybe we'll feel ok with telling him if the baby is still growing on ultrasound this Friday and measuring correctly.

With our last clinic before our doctor left and went to this one, we were released to our OB's after an ultrasound with a heartbeat, usually around 8 weeks, so I had called to get the appointment made after we had our first ultrasound, and that appointment is supposed to be for June 15th. I asked my nurse the other day when I'd be released and she said they usually do 3 ultrasounds before releasing us, they just don't want a long period of time to go between the last time they see us and when we see our OB's. I may postpone seeing my OB if it means I'll get another ultrasound after the one on Friday (I'll be almost 8 weeks by then) to assure things are good. I've never seen my doc have an ultrasound machine in her office, and I think they make you go somewhere else if you need one, and since I think 8 weeks may be early for her to hear the baby's heartbeat by doppler, it may just be better for me to wait rather than possibly start to worry more at that appointment. Maybe I'll just keep the appointment with her and try to make an earlier rather than later appointment for the nuchal scan. I don't know. Any suggestions? My brain is so clogged, but I'm trying to relax and destress, I just had to get it all out.

***Edited to add that after publishing this post this morning, I had more spotting, similar to Friday. Guess I'll ignore it unless something more severe happens.***