Scared

I think this is what I am feeling most these days. We have about two weeks before my next period is due, at which time I will start on birth control pills. About 3 weeks into that, I will start on lupron. I figure I should be on the stim drugs by sometime the second week in February, and be having my retrieval and transfer mid Feburary. If timing goes as it did with our first cycle (and we have some normal embryos to put back), my first beta would be about the time of our anniversary. This bothers me simply because our last cycle, we started a couple of weeks later in the year-our transfer was supposed to be on March 6th, but we were called on our anniversary (March 5th) and told that all of our embryos were abnormal. It ruined our anniversary and quite frankly, ruined a few months for us. I don't want to delay my beta, or get it too early, so I guess we'll just have to deal, and to be honest, I hope that it's going to end up being after our anniversary.

I don't know if I don't feel as hopeful this time because I found out about the hydrosalpinx, which, if I had left it could have decreased our chances at pregnancy, and increased our risk of miscarriage, but we had it removed so we could have the best shot. By having it removed, we risked my ovary and we cannot be sure how it will respond during the next cycle to the stim drugs. I just continue to pray that when it comes time for all of this, that my right ovary pulls it's weight and makes at least as many or close to as many follicles as our left does.

Finally, I haven't met with my surgeon for my final post-op appointment and I guess I get nervous that "something" will come up and delay us further. One of my friends said all I can do is pray about it and take things as they come, and she's right. But I'm a planner, and my plans at least where this is concerned always seem to get mucked up. Perhaps that's because I'm planning things as I want them to be, and not as they are MEANT TO BE. I realize this is something I struggle with-giving up that control and leaving it in God's hands. I am trying and I continue to pray for his help with this. Another friend reminded me today when she was over visiting that we can always adopt if it doesn't work, and while that is in the back of my mind, it's a huge undertaking, an enormous financial risk, and just really hard to plan. To be honest, I can't even think that far to adoption at this point, I'm so stressed out that I can only think as far as a beta. I've just made things harder on myself trying to think about when we would go to Disney, whether my OB would be ok with scheduling a c-section and doing my hysterectomy at the same time, etc. I have to just let it go, and focus on what is in front of me which is my final post-op appointment next Monday, my kidney ultrasound (I get these occassionally to monitor my kidney stone issues) this Wednesday, and my appointment to follow up on the ultrasound with my urologist next week. Then once I've gotten through all of that, it will be go time. My visiting friend asked today if we're doing the IVF/ICSI cycle for sure, and yes we are, I didn't go through surgery for no reason! It is a definite, hopefully for January start. My emotions (and sanity) are on the line and I don't even have the extreme hormones rushing through my body yet!

Please pray for everything to go well with my upcoming ultrasound (I don't want stones before I get pregnant or while I am pregnant, this is so important) this week, my last appointment with my surgeon next week, and for everything to be a "go" with this upcoming cycle in two weeks! Thanks for your support!