Goals for 2011

New Year's Resolutions sounds so......well, definite, and we are human, so this year I am making "goals".

My goals for 2011 are:
-whine/complain less-this will be a huge one for me, I've gotten to be very whiny admittedly. Maybe Jack has rubbed off on me????

-be more active with Jack-whether playing with him on the floor more with cars (which isn't my favorite thing to do-I'd rather play games with him), going to the playground more, or just having more playdates, this is one of my biggies. It won't be much longer before he is starting school 5 days a week, and then our "at home" time will be much shorter-this is a biggie for me too.

-Lose some weight. If I get pregnant and am sick again, this may not be so hard (and I won't be able to guarantee my first goal). If I don't get pregnant, my big butt better be motivated to hit the gym.

-Have more "dates" with Archie in the coming year. We've let alot of that go with having a kid, and we need to reconnect. He also wants to lose weight, so maybe some dates will be going to the park together and exploring while Jack is in school.

-My biggest goal for 2011 is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. This is the one I pray most about, and the one I am getting most excited about.

What are your goals for 2011??????

Dreams

My dreams have been really odd lately, but given how I've been feeling and the upcoming cycle, I guess my brain is just in overdrive. The other day during my nap, I had a dream that my mom called me, she had gotten my labwork, and told me that I was pregnant. I wasn't far along-I wasn't sick either. It was nice, and I thought to myself (in my dream), "Man, I better enjoy this for as long as it lasts because I know from experience it may not stay this way!" I said to my mom, "Are you happy, you're the first to know this time, even before me and Archie!" I will explain this comment further below. Anyway, Archie didn't know I was pregnant at this point, and I remember thinking, "When did I start to get sick with Jack...about 5.5 weeks, so I've got a week and a half to figure out a great way to tell him the good news!" It was funny because obviously we'd gotten pregnant on our own or he would have known that I was having bloodwork done to check and see if we were pregnant. I woke up at that point.

When we were doing our IVF cycle with Jack we had our retrieval and found out that beta date would be April 20th. My mom was scheduled for hernia surgery that day, and I was working the night before. I'd heard that I could get my results within a couple hours of my labwork, so I went right after I got off of work and had my blood drawn. Well, my labwork wasn't back in a couple of hours, and my mom said she wanted to be the first to know after Archie of course. This was a problem on multiple levels. My sister was waiting with us in the waiting room, as was my grandfather and one of my aunt's. Anyway, I got the phone call I'd been waiting for from my nurse after 2pm!!! Seriously, that 7 hour wait about killed me! I tried to tell Archie before my sister found out, but he wasn't looking at the card I wrote the note on (I was hiding it behind my sister's laptop so he could see it first). So they found out at the same time. My mom was in the OR, so we couldn't tell her yet, and Archie went off and called his family to tell them, and my family could tell what the results were when they looked over. My mom was basically the last to know, she was very upset. BUT, she was soooo excited! So the whole little comment in my dream stems back to that no doubt. She swears she'd better be first to know besides us this next time, LOL. To be honest, this dream really did make me feel better and more excited about the upcoming cycle. Now I'm ready to go! What a roller coaster.

I had another weird dream yesterday during my nap before work. It was ugly and bad. Basically we were going on an international flight-me, my mom, Jack and Archie. As we were boarding the airline agents kept staring at Archie, it was weird. I asked if there was a problem and they said there wasn't. Once on the plane, they made everyone get off, and go through the process again of checking our ID's, passports, luggage, etc. We go to get back on and again they are staring at Archie. I was so annoyed, I asked if there was a problem, again they said no. My mom is leading the way with Jack to our seats with me and Archie following. We get to our seats only to turn around and see that Archie's being detained a few rows back and as I start walking toward them to find out what's going on, they shoot him! I freak out of course and run to him, turn around to look at my mom who is in complete shock only to realize that Jack is gone. We start screaming and looking for him but we can't find him and no one will tell us what happened to Archie or Jack. Jack woke up from his nap at that point and woke me up, but I was panicked. What is up with that dream?!?!? I'll take more of the pregnancy ones thank you!

As a side note, I went for a routine renal ultrasound today just to check and make sure I don't have any stones brewing before we start this cycle and (hopefully) get pregnant. I swear I am a nurse for a reason and not a radiologist because all I saw when they looked at my kidneys was fetuses inside those kidneys. I obviously have no idea what I'm looking at on those renal ultrasounds, but I think it's undeniable that I have baby on the brain, LOL.

Scared

I think this is what I am feeling most these days. We have about two weeks before my next period is due, at which time I will start on birth control pills. About 3 weeks into that, I will start on lupron. I figure I should be on the stim drugs by sometime the second week in February, and be having my retrieval and transfer mid Feburary. If timing goes as it did with our first cycle (and we have some normal embryos to put back), my first beta would be about the time of our anniversary. This bothers me simply because our last cycle, we started a couple of weeks later in the year-our transfer was supposed to be on March 6th, but we were called on our anniversary (March 5th) and told that all of our embryos were abnormal. It ruined our anniversary and quite frankly, ruined a few months for us. I don't want to delay my beta, or get it too early, so I guess we'll just have to deal, and to be honest, I hope that it's going to end up being after our anniversary.

I don't know if I don't feel as hopeful this time because I found out about the hydrosalpinx, which, if I had left it could have decreased our chances at pregnancy, and increased our risk of miscarriage, but we had it removed so we could have the best shot. By having it removed, we risked my ovary and we cannot be sure how it will respond during the next cycle to the stim drugs. I just continue to pray that when it comes time for all of this, that my right ovary pulls it's weight and makes at least as many or close to as many follicles as our left does.

Finally, I haven't met with my surgeon for my final post-op appointment and I guess I get nervous that "something" will come up and delay us further. One of my friends said all I can do is pray about it and take things as they come, and she's right. But I'm a planner, and my plans at least where this is concerned always seem to get mucked up. Perhaps that's because I'm planning things as I want them to be, and not as they are MEANT TO BE. I realize this is something I struggle with-giving up that control and leaving it in God's hands. I am trying and I continue to pray for his help with this. Another friend reminded me today when she was over visiting that we can always adopt if it doesn't work, and while that is in the back of my mind, it's a huge undertaking, an enormous financial risk, and just really hard to plan. To be honest, I can't even think that far to adoption at this point, I'm so stressed out that I can only think as far as a beta. I've just made things harder on myself trying to think about when we would go to Disney, whether my OB would be ok with scheduling a c-section and doing my hysterectomy at the same time, etc. I have to just let it go, and focus on what is in front of me which is my final post-op appointment next Monday, my kidney ultrasound (I get these occassionally to monitor my kidney stone issues) this Wednesday, and my appointment to follow up on the ultrasound with my urologist next week. Then once I've gotten through all of that, it will be go time. My visiting friend asked today if we're doing the IVF/ICSI cycle for sure, and yes we are, I didn't go through surgery for no reason! It is a definite, hopefully for January start. My emotions (and sanity) are on the line and I don't even have the extreme hormones rushing through my body yet!

Please pray for everything to go well with my upcoming ultrasound (I don't want stones before I get pregnant or while I am pregnant, this is so important) this week, my last appointment with my surgeon next week, and for everything to be a "go" with this upcoming cycle in two weeks! Thanks for your support!

Laying Shawnee to Rest

Yesterday was Shawnee's funeral services. My girlfriend B lives in Pennsylvania and worked with Shawnee at the other hospital she had left to go to when she became a nurse practitioner in neonatalogy. We met up and went in together, there were probably 20 people from that hospital, and another 15 from mine, everyone else was people she and her family went to church with, family and friends. It was a beautiful, but heart breaking service. She had a beautiful program with pictures of her, her with her kids, pictures she'd taken of flowers (she was an avid gardener and photographer), messages from loved ones, an obit that told the story of her life, a poem from the children to her, and one meant to be from her to comfort us. It was hard to sit through, what funeral service isn't, but this is probably the one that hit home for me and B the most. We're mom's, Shawnee was 33 when she passed, I'm 30 and B is 34-ish. My son just turned 4, B's daughter will be 3, and so will Shawnee's. B is pregnant and sick as anything, due in March, and to die in childbirth happens sure, but it's just not as frequent a thing as it used to be. I hope to be pregnant in the next year.

The night that we found out Shawnee had passed I remember crying on the way home from what was supposed to be a fun holiday party at another coworker's house, but with us all just finding out what happened, it turned out to be one more full of shock and disbelief. I remember holding Archie's hand and asking if something happened to one of us and the kids were still young, would the other promise to make sure that they never forgot about the other, that they knew how much we loved them, and would we talk about the other person often so that our children would "know" us-know what we loved to do, what the other could picture us saying in different circumstances, what we would have thought of different things.

The pastor said something so true in the service yesterday. He said he knows alot of us aren't really questioning God, but just wondering what would make him take her. He kept putting all of this emphasis on her being a neonatal nurse-God takes people regardless of their occupations, sure, we take care of babies, and alot of people find that to be honorable I guess, but it's just what we do. What I don't get is why he'd take HER. A young mother with young children, one who doesn't even know her really. The mother and wife in a growing family. The loyal and very loved daughter. I know he takes people who we don't think he should, I watch him take sweet little angels more than I'd like. But this pastor is right, why her, and why in the way that he did. I know Shawnee knew things were bad, I know she was scared, and I know that she knew too much, it's the bad thing about being a healthcare professional-you know what's going on. I cannot imagine what she was thinking or feeling when things started to go downhill. You know, it's not like she had a devastating car accident and was taken immediately, quickly and without suffering. It just doesn't make sense. But the pastor was right in this. He was talking to her husband during the eulogy, and he said that it was human to wonder these things. What we have to do when we're sitting there thinking (as I have no doubt her husband is) "What do I do now, how do I go on from here?" is just lean on God, tell him that you don't have the answers (and may never have them), but tell God that you need help, you can't do this alone, and just let God do what he does. That it may not seem like God is answering you when you are asking the questions, but as time goes on and you see that you are still here, you're making your new norm for you and your children and you look back at where you've come since He took her, that you will know that only God could get you through something like that. He heard you, He helped you, He did not let you down, He was there walking with you, getting you through the darkest of times. There is no way you get through something like this without Him. Ain't that the truth.

After sitting in the megachurch for a little over 2 hours, B and I both had headaches, were heartbroken and just drained. She hadn't eaten before she came because she feels awful after she does and she didn't want to embarass herself at the service, so we left while others stayed behind to go to the cemetary. We decided to have lunch at Friendly's and instead of us making it a "girls lunch" where we knew we'd both be moping and talking about sad things, we invited Archie and Jack to join us, and we ended up having a very nice lunch.

I feel like I've cried so much this week, and Shawnee and I weren't even that close. I cried two Friday nights ago, I've gotten teary at least a few times throughout the week when conversation about her came up, I cried yesterday at the service, and again last night as I prayed again for her family and friends to be able to find a way to get through this. I've prayed for her family nightly since the news, and unfortunately, I cry each time. I've cried writing this post. So while you are finishing up preparations for later this week, please keep them in your prayers. Anyone who has lost a loved one feels their loss at this time of year, but the wounds for Shawnee's family and friends are still so fresh and raw, and there are two little ones who still need to have as normal a Christmas as can be possible. Please pray for the strength for her husband to be able to get through such a major family event without his wife, his baker, his photographer, his children's mother. Thanks guys.

Update

Shawnee's best friend as you might remember me mentioning in my last post, had her little boy today, a few weeks early. He is healthy and from what I hear, beautiful, and weighing in at 6 pounds. Please pray for them both and pray that she has the support that she needs during this time, and for post partum depression to stay away as this time is trying enough for her and I believe any person in her situation having lost her best friend could be high risk. Please also continue to pray for Shawnee's family, other friends, and coworkers.

On a positive note (depending on how you look at it), my wish came true and my period came yesterday!!! Of course, having planned on hopefully starting our IVF cycle this month, I was low on supplies, so I was feeling a bit evil this morning as I went to the grocery store to pick up more things. I thought to myself, "this had better be the last time I have to buy this crap for a long time!!!" I bought enough to last me through this cycle and next, and hopefully not anything after that...is that having high hopes or what?!??!

One of my friends asked me yesterday if I'm excited about the upcoming IVF cycle. I really was a couple of months ago, but everytime I get excited, something happens-I break my arm, I have surgery, I have to wait for 2 cycles...it's hard to keep up the excitement, you know? So my answer was to ask me in about 3-4 weeks, then we can talk about being excited. At this point I would have to say that I probably feel apprehensive just because I keep waiting for something else to come up.

My final post-op visit with my doc is on January 3rd which is awful because my son's allergist appointment that I really feel like I need to be there for is at the same time across the street from my doc. My doc doesn't have morning hours to see patients, and so I have to be at his office at 1, and Jack's appointment is at 12:30, the doc is always running late, and it takes months to get appointments with the allergist so I am not rescheduling. My appointment should have been the week prior, however, he didn't have any vacancies that week or on January 10th and I'm hoping my next period will be here by the 9th, and I really need to see him before we start so I can be sure nothing is going to change his mind about us proceeding. What a mess! I plan on calling the week of Christmas to see if he has any cancellations for that Monday the 27th, and hope I get lucky so that I can also go to the allergist appointment with Jack.

Wish me luck, and please pray for Nikki and Shawnee!

Please Pray

Hi guys. Yesterday had to be a happy post because it was my sweet little boy's birthday. Today I'm here to ask you for prayers.

Friday evening we were heading to a coworker's holiday party when my best friend called. The roads were icy and I didn't answer the phone. She left a message which I got when I parked the car at the party. She said, "We got some news at work today, call me when you can." She sounded upset, so I called her back immediately. She asked if I was at the party and I told her I had just gotten there, and she asked if I'd heard the news. We hadn't yet gone inside, so I was clueless as to what this news was about. I told her no, and she proceeded to tell me that a former coworker of ours passed away that afternoon at our hospital. She was a fellow NICU nurse who had gone on to become a neonatal nurse practitioner and had been working at another hospital nearby.

I had just spoken to her recently on facebook. She was due any day with their son, and she had a 3 year old daughter who she loved so much. She was looking forward to meeting their little boy. She had been out of work since early in her pregnancy due to being so sick and just wanting to make sure the baby was ok. She must have been bored sometimes because her facebook statuses in the evenings were usually running commentary on whichever show she was watching that night (she loved Real Housewives of Atlanta). She always commented or "liked" your statuses, she kept up with everyone. When she still worked with us she was always smiling, always mild mannered and even-tempered, and always seemed to try to find the best in people. She was just a great woman, beautiful and loving mother and wife.

Friday morning at 4am, she had a c-section. She met her little boy, and quickly thereafter her husband was asked to step out as she was bleeding uncontrollably. They tried their best and then transferred her to our hospital where attempts were made, but ultimately she passed. She leaves behind her 3 year old daughter, newborn son, husband, and parents. She was an only child. Her best friend is one of our neonatal nurse practitioners (she was also one of our nurses-they went through the practitioner program together), and almost 37 weeks pregnant. This has been incredibly hard on her as well, they were so close. This should have been a happy time for them to share with their new babies and each other.

Please pray for Shawnee's family, her sweet children, her husband, and her best friend that they can all find their way through this, and that she is at peace. I know she is in the Lord's Heaven but I don't understand why this happened to such a great person, someone whose children needed her. Not that it should happen to anyone, but why her? Please pray for them.

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Jack!!!

My sweet boy's birthday is today. I had to wake him up at 8am (doesn't it suck when you could have slept in but had other things planned, he never sleeps late when we have nothing going on!!!) because he was going to an event at our church called Kids Christmas morning. The kids make crafts related to Jesus, make gingerbread houses, etc. Then he went to my mom's for lunch and to open his gifts from her since it was going to be chaotic during the party.

While he was there, I was decorating the cake that I had baked yesterday and we decorating for the pary. I used buttercream icing that I colored as black as I could get it for the locomotive and coal tender, but it ended up like a purplish grey, and the coloring for the coaches was like a light blue. I then took whip cream, dyed it a slight blue and spread it out on aluminum foil cookie sheets. I topped it with some coconut to give it a snowy appearance. I used black licorice for the tracks, Good 'N Plentys for the windows of the coaches, rock candy for steam, oreos for wheels and black shoestring licorice for the cow catcher. Jack seemed pleased and that was all that mattered to me. It also tasted delicious!

It was shear chaos when all the kids got there. They watched the movie intermittently and it's funny, we told the kids they could eat their pizza on the floor of the living room and watch the movie, and for a few minutes, it was just QUIET. This was not lost on the adults!!! We played "Pin the Name on the Train" game where the kids had to put the "Polar Express" name on the train Archie drew on posterboard, some of the kids made reindeer food, some played "Snowblowers" (think of kids blowing in one end of empty, painted black, toilet paper rolls to move a cotton ball-snow into a cup) and had a race doing that. They also played with the toys in the basement. Then Santa came on the fire engine and surprised the kids. They had a great time. I had more than one comment about "How are you going to top that next year?" I wasn't trying to win any contests for sure, but I am type A, I am a perfectionist, and I wanted Jack to have a great party because he was so excited and I fed off of that.

That said, I'm exhausted and Jack was asleep at 7:30pm!!! I will leave you with some pictures from today. Goodnight friends!

In Other News

So there hasn't been much going on for me to post about. I have finally began to spot again, here's hoping there is something coming soon, and that it only lasts a few days ;).

My computer has decided to pick up some sort of nastiness in our travels on the web and I can't figure out how to get rid of it. It started out with when I would get onto Google and bring up search results, each link I clicked on redirected me to BS sites. Now, I can't even log on under my screenname, when I try to, I get a black screen. So I am now logged in under my husband's. I've tried to follow what other sites have advised and downloading malware removal programs, however, IE keeps saying that it can't open the sites to download them from, or that they can't be found. Funny that I can go to the sites themselves, however, when I try to download, I get the same message as above. I am pissed to say the least. Life seemed far less complicated when we didn't use computers quite like we do now, you know, when I was in middle school type of deal. Heck, I remember getting AOL for the first time and thinking it was so cool. Now I hate it all.

Onto better news-our sweet boy will turn 4 tomorrow. I cannot believe that 4 years ago, I was at work thinking that he would never come, that he was just way too comfy. Now he's here and life before him is just kind of fuzzy, and I like it that way. He's having a Polar Express themed party tomorrow at our house. We've made up railroad crossing and reindeer crossing signs for our front yard, and we have a sign for the door that reads "Train Station". We invited everyone to come in PJ's just like the kids in the movie. We have some games and fun things planned. I'm hoping that when I decorate the train cake I decided to be ambitious and try to make myself that it turns out better than the cupcake bear I attempted for his first birthday. Oh my. I will have to post pictures of that hideous thing later, LOL. We'll have a house filled with about 9 kids and some adults. It should be fun and interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing the smiles on my little miracle's face tomorrow, and that will be more than enough to ease my stress.