Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Identified Adoption

Wow. I am actually at a loss for words. My friend was just over. Her son and my son are best friends, and she is moving with her son, and her one year old daughter to New York in a few short weeks. I've been sad for my son and to a lesser extent sad for myself that we won't be able to visit as much as we had been. Really I'm more sad for my son just because this is his best friend-anytime we do something fun, he always wants to know if this friend can come with us. He asks about him all the time when it's been a few days since we've seen him and so now I am trying to prep him for that friend leaving and us not seeing them for months at a time. He knows that A is moving to New York. He knows it will take us about 8 hours to drive to Niagara Falls to see them. But those trips will be so worth it because none of us have been to Niagara Falls, so we will plan to make it like a 4 day vacation and actually see some sights while we are there. I don't think it's really hit him yet though.

Anyway, these friends came over to hang out for a little while today. My friend looks at me and Archie and says, "I have to ask you guys a question." I'm thinking to myself, well, I know she's not asking if there is any way she can stay with us when she comes back to visit because I told her earlier today she would always have a place to stay with the kids. So what in the world does she want? Maybe she wants us to help her move to NY. Ha!

She told us that her younger sister is 12 weeks pregnant and not in a position to keep the baby and her sister knows this. Her sister has been talking about placing the baby for adoption. My friend told her she knew the perfect people, told her who we were, and that she would talk to us. My friend "C" thought that this would be great because then she could see her neice/nephew, but her sister was wondering if we would be open to her being able to see the baby. I explained that when we were planning to go forward with adoption we did want an open adoption and that it would be fine, but that honestly I had no idea how identified adoptions work, what was involved. I had no idea what we would have to expect cost-wise, and that in a month and a half we would be doing another IVF/ICSI cycle and if it worked there would be no way we could afford to adopt. I told her that most likely we couldn't afford whatever an identified adoption would cost at this point anyway, but I would look into it.

Anyone out there in blogland that can shed some info on this subject, I'd like to hear from you. "C" seems to think that her sister can just have something notarized that says she gives custody to us, but I told her it's not that easy and to be completely honest I would want the legalities iron-clad. I told her you could either go through an attorney or an agency, but that an agency may be better because they provide counseling for the mom and that is important. Help!

It's funny because a year ago I would have died to have this chance. It just so happens that this coincides with another IVF cycle for us that we are lucky to have insurance mostly covering, and so financially that is the better option for us. Go figure!

Ok people, spill it on the identified adoption. I need to know so that at the very least I can pass the info and options onto C's sister. Thanks!


  1. So sorry about your family friend moving. Wow, I don't know anything about identified adoptions. But, of course, this is something to look into. I can wait to hear more updates about this possibility!

  2. You are exactly right -- you can go through an attorney or an agency. An agency would likely give you a "cut" on the cost (Bethany will). Going through an attorney is much less expensive, but you are right about the lack of the same amount of counseling. I'm an adoptive mama (and an attorney -but not in family law). If you'd like to chat offline, email me at bacolton@hotmail.com

    ; )

  3. I think this can just be accomplished through an attorney too- you could offer counseling to the mom and pay for that yourselves probably for a certain specified period of time. This would be a private identified adoption. If the IVF does not take in NOvember- i would certainly consider this option if the sister takes good care of herself, no drug or major medical or mental health issues etc. If she has insurance would she use that insurance or would you still have to pay for the prenatal care and delivery, etc. Also I think the father of the child would have to sign off on it.