Even Little Decisions Are Hard to Make

Here we are, mid-August. I was just going through my planner to update a new one with birthdays, etc., and came across appointments we had for interviews with different adoption agencies, and before that, appointments for trial transfers, high risk OB's, and dates to start fertility drugs. It obviously conjured up memories...no way to avoid them I suppose.

I also got my twice yearly email that the consignment sale I always go to is nearing again. Each time it comes around I think about selling my maternity clothes, Jack's clothes he has outgrown. Each time I feel pulled between making room in my house, making some money from it, and the "what ifs". What if I do get pregnant? What if I get pregnant and the baby is a boy? What if that baby is born around the same time Jack was so we could use those clothes again? And each time I decide not to sell those things.

The other morning I was laying in bed, cuddling a small warm body, soaking up his little boy smells while I waited for him to wake up. I was thinking about how "comfortable" we are right now. With only one child, we can afford to do more day trips, we can make quick (sort of) trips to the grocery store, financially we're just more comfortable. He's 3, and relatively independent. I don't have multiple kids to buckle in, keep happy during the car ride, gather up tons of stuff just to go to the store. I don't have to worry about buying diapers, breastmilk storage bags, wipes, frequent doctor's appointments. It's "nice" I have to admit. The next moment I am asking myself what the heck I am thinking? Are you serious? You've spent the last 2.5 years trying to get pregnant again. You've had one failed treatment in that time, and started and stopped the adoption process. All things that took alot of time, dedication, and emotions to get through and you are questioning if it would be "easier" and "more convenient" to just give up? You never "give up". I was mad at myself for even thinking about it. Such is the mind of an infertile I suppose.

I am 95% sure we will try another IVF cycle. If we didn't try another cycle, I'd always be asking myself, "what if". When I think about doing another cycle, I ask myself "what if?". What if it doesn't work? What if it works too well and we end up with multiples? Haha, want to talk about being financially UNcomfortable, lol. What would I do about work? Childcare? Schooling? What if we had twins in the NICU?

One of my friends told me the other day she was pregnant. I am truly happy for her. In the midst of our conversation she was talking about being sick again. I laughed because we had just covered my crazy thoughts and how being sick again wasn't even really on the list of "what ifs". If I am sick again and it's like it was before, there is a plan in place for it. I am a planner, and I need a plan. I think that is why I am so hesitant. Anyone who does IVF (Octomom included-dummy that she is) knows that there is a risk of multiples. I think that just freaks me out the most because it is the one thing I am having the most trouble planning for. It brings up things like bedrest...I'm already probably going to only have about an 8 week maternity leave thanks to being out forever for my wrist. How the hell would that work? Could I find work I could do from home while I'm out? No idea. Sure couldn't while I was out with my wrist. If I had multiples and had a c-section, I'd have to be out of work for 8 weeks at least anyway, there goes my maternity leave, and that is fine if my babies are at home, but what if they're in the NICU-it's not even like I could go back to work to save maternity leave for when they come home.

Could I sit back and not do another cycle? Well, God knows we haven't stopped trying to conceive since we started a couple of years ago...and it hasn't worked. And I'm 30 now. We know my eggs are not great anymore from the last cycle we attempted. It's not going to get any better the older I get. I think Archie and I would always wonder what if. And it's not like we'd have to put out a huge chunk of money this time that would be a significant deterrent. Just our emotions, and thoughts that are at risk if we don't do it. And as much as we've wanted it I guess we will try...now to decide about whether or not to sell the baby and maternity clothes in the meantime...