Even Little Decisions Are Hard to Make

Here we are, mid-August. I was just going through my planner to update a new one with birthdays, etc., and came across appointments we had for interviews with different adoption agencies, and before that, appointments for trial transfers, high risk OB's, and dates to start fertility drugs. It obviously conjured up memories...no way to avoid them I suppose.

I also got my twice yearly email that the consignment sale I always go to is nearing again. Each time it comes around I think about selling my maternity clothes, Jack's clothes he has outgrown. Each time I feel pulled between making room in my house, making some money from it, and the "what ifs". What if I do get pregnant? What if I get pregnant and the baby is a boy? What if that baby is born around the same time Jack was so we could use those clothes again? And each time I decide not to sell those things.

The other morning I was laying in bed, cuddling a small warm body, soaking up his little boy smells while I waited for him to wake up. I was thinking about how "comfortable" we are right now. With only one child, we can afford to do more day trips, we can make quick (sort of) trips to the grocery store, financially we're just more comfortable. He's 3, and relatively independent. I don't have multiple kids to buckle in, keep happy during the car ride, gather up tons of stuff just to go to the store. I don't have to worry about buying diapers, breastmilk storage bags, wipes, frequent doctor's appointments. It's "nice" I have to admit. The next moment I am asking myself what the heck I am thinking? Are you serious? You've spent the last 2.5 years trying to get pregnant again. You've had one failed treatment in that time, and started and stopped the adoption process. All things that took alot of time, dedication, and emotions to get through and you are questioning if it would be "easier" and "more convenient" to just give up? You never "give up". I was mad at myself for even thinking about it. Such is the mind of an infertile I suppose.

I am 95% sure we will try another IVF cycle. If we didn't try another cycle, I'd always be asking myself, "what if". When I think about doing another cycle, I ask myself "what if?". What if it doesn't work? What if it works too well and we end up with multiples? Haha, want to talk about being financially UNcomfortable, lol. What would I do about work? Childcare? Schooling? What if we had twins in the NICU?

One of my friends told me the other day she was pregnant. I am truly happy for her. In the midst of our conversation she was talking about being sick again. I laughed because we had just covered my crazy thoughts and how being sick again wasn't even really on the list of "what ifs". If I am sick again and it's like it was before, there is a plan in place for it. I am a planner, and I need a plan. I think that is why I am so hesitant. Anyone who does IVF (Octomom included-dummy that she is) knows that there is a risk of multiples. I think that just freaks me out the most because it is the one thing I am having the most trouble planning for. It brings up things like bedrest...I'm already probably going to only have about an 8 week maternity leave thanks to being out forever for my wrist. How the hell would that work? Could I find work I could do from home while I'm out? No idea. Sure couldn't while I was out with my wrist. If I had multiples and had a c-section, I'd have to be out of work for 8 weeks at least anyway, there goes my maternity leave, and that is fine if my babies are at home, but what if they're in the NICU-it's not even like I could go back to work to save maternity leave for when they come home.

Could I sit back and not do another cycle? Well, God knows we haven't stopped trying to conceive since we started a couple of years ago...and it hasn't worked. And I'm 30 now. We know my eggs are not great anymore from the last cycle we attempted. It's not going to get any better the older I get. I think Archie and I would always wonder what if. And it's not like we'd have to put out a huge chunk of money this time that would be a significant deterrent. Just our emotions, and thoughts that are at risk if we don't do it. And as much as we've wanted it I guess we will try...now to decide about whether or not to sell the baby and maternity clothes in the meantime...

Jack is Moving On

I'm not sure who is more sad today. It is Jack's last day of the preschool that he has been attending for the last 19 months. We didn't want to send him to school at two, and while he was making progress with his speech teacher, we felt like he could use some incentive. There aren't many kids his age in our neighborhood, and we had playdates with my friends and their little ones, but our schedules are really hard to get regular dates going. So we decided to put him in preschool 2 days a week at first, and after his third birthday we moved up to 3 days a week.

He loves school, his friends, and his teachers. He loves their playground, riding bikes in the gym on rainy days, circle time, and the climber inside. He has learned so much like things I was trying to teach him before he ever started school-colors, shapes, etc., and more. According to his teachers, he is everyone's friend and that is rare.

Jack will be staying home with us for the next couple of weeks. We will be taking shifts with him again just like we do on his days off of school, and one of those weeks we will be at the beach for 5 days. He will start at his new preschool the Tuesday after Labor Day.

Last night I reminded Jack that today was going to be his last day at that school. He wanted to know why. I simply told him that he was going to go to a school that had big kids too. I think he was more concerned about these next couple of weeks where he won't be in school at all. My plan is to do some day trips, and just find some fun things to do outside the house. Maybe make some plans with friends if we can coordinate our schedules. Maybe spend more time at the pool before summer is over.

He was excited to go shopping for his new backpack and lunch bag, and to pick up other school supplies he needs. I think he will do fine in the new school. His teachers this morning kept saying that they would miss him, and that he was a very special boy. They kept telling me that if things don't work out at the other school, he's welcome to come back. And that even if things did work out and he needed to do a drop in day for whatever reason he could come back for that too. The teacher he had when he was two I think will miss him the most, and the same can be said for Jack missing her. He really likes Miss Nicole. Lucky for us she babysits, and we have her phone number in case we need her.

I just hope he makes friends as easily at the new school as he did at this one. I hope his new friends are as good of an influence as the kids at this old school were. I have some hesitations about the new school, but I did when we started at the old one too. Hopefully it will all pan out and work out for the best for everyone.

I love the conversations with Jack. He is so inquisitive, has to know how things work, why we do certain things, etc., and the other day was just full of questions for him.

The other afternoon we were looking at my friend L's babies on Facebook, and Jack asked, "Who dose babies Mommy?" I told him that they were the babies that had been in Ms. L's tummy, but that they were out now. He pondered this for a minute and then said, "Mommy, I want you to have another baby in your tummy." Me too buddy, me too.

Every night I say prayers with Jack. Every night I thank God for every minute we have with Jack, and I pray that He will give us many more days and years together. I have to pray for this because no life on this earth is guaranteed, I know that all too well with my job. Anyway, Jack turns to me after prayers and whispers, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy pick me?" I thought that was an odd question given the fact that he is our biological child, it's not like we chose him from an orphanage. I could have been a wiseass and told him that the doctor picked him because he was the best looking embryo we had. But instead I told him that we didn't pick him, that God decided he would answer our prayers by taking a little bit of Mommy and a little bit of Daddy to make him, and then put him in my tummy to grow. As always my curious child had yet another question..."What parts of you and Daddy did He take?" Hahaha. I told him that He took the best parts of both of us, like Daddy's smile, Mommy's love for animals, my pickiness, and Daddy's sense of humor. Then I told him that even if God hadn't given him to us, but had us choose from a bunch of kids, one of them being Jack, that we still would have picked him. We would have picked him because he is so sweet, gentle, kind-hearted, affectionate, and funny. He seemed satisfied with that answer.

Maybe soon all of our wishes, prayers and dreams will be answered.