An additional thought, perhaps an elaboration

So a comment that I received with regards to my last blog post referenced what went through Ginger's mind when she read the part of my last blog entry where I state "I just worry that our child will think that their life would be better if they were with their "real parents" which I think is completely normal, but will still hurt so badly. I worry that our child's first parents will feed these childish notions not necessarily on purpose but perhaps inadvertently in the process of trying to have a good relationship with our child. Kind of like trying to be their friend instead of another parent."

She posted an entry on her blog in response to what she thought about this. She is a first parent three times over, and she is parenting a child as well. She says:

"See? And in the early years (now), I think that's important - reassuring them that I know who their mom is and at the same time, reassuring their parents that I won't step on any toes if I can avoid them. I respect their role as parents. But that mean I can't take the role of a parent or authority figure. That's their role.

A friend of mine is a Big Sister with the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. It's a mentorship program that gives kids in rough spots a consistent adult in their life for one on one contact. Not a parent or authority figure, but an older friend. I think being in the "Big' role is probably like a favorite trusted teacher...not a parent at all but a little more/different than a friend. I hope desperately for a relationship like that with the daughters I'm not parenting. Sometimes that means I'll listen like a friend...and other times, it will mean I'll suggest that they go to their parents. I hope they see me as someone they can come to if they feel they can't go to their parents. I hope the daughter I'm parenting has someone like that in their life because I believe strongly that every teen needs someone like that."

I am afraid that our child's first mom will not think this way. I thought about this after I wrote the entry last night, and thought perhaps the term "real parents" in my post would ruffle some feathers. Perhaps I should have phrased it "bio parents" because we would be our child's parents, as real as they come, just not biological, and that goes for any other adoptive parents. I really should have articulated, but it just wasn't coming to me last night. I totally agree with Ginger that it is important "reassuring them that I know who their mom is and at the same time, reassuring their parents that I won't step on any toes if I can avoid them. I respect their role as parents. But that mean I can't take the role of a parent or authority figure. That's their role."
I hope that our child's first family is as mature as Ginger is with regards to this. No, this is not a co-parenting relationship, but it's also not a purely friend relationship since there is the "mentoring" that comes along with it, and the need to be mature and have mutual respect for one another's relationships with our child. Thanks for posting on this Ginger!